Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken
by aejaycee
Summary: I had always believed that wild hearts could not be broken, and that belief would come to be the alpha and omega of my relationship with a one Mr. Sirius Black. Spoiler alert: I was wrong. (Blackinnon)
1. Don't Mention It

I had always believed that wild hearts could not be broken, and that belief would come to be the alpha and omega of my relationship with a one Mr. Sirius Black. Spoiler alert: I was wrong.

I woke up early to the sharp line of daylight streaming through the crack between the thick crimson curtains that were drawn around the four poster bed. I could see just a glimpse of the window responsible for rousing me and was surprised to see that the glass pane was obscured by an icy frost.

In sharp contrast to the chilly weather outdoors, I felt like I was baking, and it took me a few moments to adjust to my surroundings and realize why.

A tanned arm, covering in dark hair, was draped over me, body heat radiating through the giant tshirt I had stolen to wear overnight. Sirius was still asleep, black hair falling into his face as he snored, bare chest rising and falling steadily.

I wriggled myself up into a sitting position, struggling under the dead weight his arm had taken on in the middle of the night. There was a quick lag in his snores, but Sirius remained asleep- that was how I preferred it.

As silently as I could, I slid my legs over the edge of the bed, bare feet hitting the cold floor as the stolen tshirt fell around my knees- the perfect makeshift dress for my getaway. The wooden floorboards creaked as I shifted my weight onto them and I just now realized how cold it must be outside.

The dress I had been wearing the night before was lying on the floor in a heap. Like clockwork, I made my way toward it, doing a little dance across the floorboards to avoid the loudest ones. I could navigate this path in my sleep by now.

Cautiously, I bent down to pinch the dress up off the floor and I was greeted by a pounding in my skull, care of the Firewhiskey that had not quite left my system from the evening prior. Post-Quidditch parties were my favorite time of all: loud music, lots of alcohol, and nobody paid enough attention to notice when I got the notion to slip on up to the boys dormitory.

The sudden rush of pain caught me off guard, and a soft groan escaped my lips. This small slip up was enough; I heard a sudden stirring from the bed closest to me. Remus Lupin, sandy hair and freckled complexion visible through his own open bed curtains. His hand found his face to begin rubbing his eyes, but I had slipped out the door and down the stone steps to the common room before he was really awake.

The Gryffindor common room was unbelievably warm in comparison to the chilly wooden tower that housed the seventh year boys. The fire was roaring crimson and orange in the fireplace, sending a flushing glow over the stuffed armchairs and tables of textbooks abandoned for the weekend.

The place was completely deserted- it couldn't be later than seven in the morning and since it was now Sunday it would be hours before everyone was up and moving, especially after the events on the night before. It was the ideal situation for me, I thought, a slow smile spreading across my face as I made my way toward the girls dormitory across the tower.

My bedroom was just as stiffly quiet as the boys' had been, but none of the curtains around my roommates beds were closed. I stifled a laugh seeing how each of them had fallen asleep- it was certainly telling of their personalities.

Lily Evans, Head Girl and self-proclaimed mother of the group was sleeping upside down, with her head toward the foot of the bed, red hair splayed out around her like the halo she probably imagined she wore at all times. When she actually took a night off from being Miss Responsible, things often ended up upside down, just like she was now slumbering.

Dorcas Meadowes was curled up into herself, blonde ringlet curls still in a (messier version of) conservative bun at the back of her head, a book tucked into her arms in the same place I had filled in Sirius's. I had no doubt that she hadn't had more than a sip or two of alcohol last night, but fortunately she had been too wrapped up in her secret (she thought it was secret- she is the least subtle person I know. In her defense, she is also one of the sunniest and most positive, so I can forgive it) crush on a bookworm sixth year boy.

Emmeline Vance was last, but I didn't take too long to ponder her appearance. Straight black hair, blah blah blah. She even scowled in her sleep. I couldn't stand her, and I couldn't stand sharing a dormitory with her. Emme was snappy, rude, and far too demanding as roommates go. The others didn't mind her, but her attitude was a little much for me to want to deal with. Lily said the two of us often butted heads because we were so similar -sarcastic, stubborn and the like- but true or not, it didn't phase me. I liked me. We didn't need another me around.

I bounced lightly onto my bed, sitting crosslegged as I peeled Sirius's shirt off and replaced it with one of my own I had left waiting on the pillow. I balled his up and tossed it into my top drawer with the others- a trophy collection of sorts. It drives him crazy that I keep stealing them, but he's never gotten around to asking for them back. We were always around other people, or "otherwise occupied".

The thing about Sirius and I is that...we are friends, I suppose. Our friends all hang out together, and I've known him since I was eleven and started school. We had always been in each others lives and there was a certain level of caring and trust there. I don't know if I could call it romantic.

This "thing"...whatever it is...between us had started at the end of last term. The last big party before the of the year, I had suddenly found myself pressed up against a stone wall, his calloused hands resting on my face as his lips moved against mine. I had woken up the next day lying next to him just as I had this morning- only ten times more confused and in a slight panic.

I still remember how I bolted upright to find him already awake and staring down at me like he hadn't quite seen me before. I had opened my mouth to stammer out something awkward, he cut me off.

The only words out of his mouth were "Hey, don't mention it."

And we didn't mention it. At all.

At the beginning of this year, we just fell into a pattern- it was October now.

And still, we hadn't mentioned it.

It wasn't a secret- all our friends knew (they had to...right?), but it wasn't something that anybody talked about. I don't think they knew how to bring it up, but that suited my preferences just fine. There wasn't anything to talk about. I had been in relationships before- they could be summed up in two words: messy and unnecessary.

I snuggled up down under my down comforter and was asleep before I could dedicate any more thought to the web I was weaving my way into.


	2. Color Coded Closets

When I finally woke up, well past lunch time in that awkward pocket of the day when it's too late to do anything productive but too early to get dinner or go to sleep, I felt like complete shit. My headache had roared itself up to full speed and was punishing me for not having chugged a gallon of water when I first woke up to switch beds.

I forced my eyes open and pulled my body into a sitting position- these things really do get worse with age. Emme was gone, probably off somewhere being horrible (kidding, she had a boyfriend in Ravenclaw and they always spent Sundays together). Lily and Dor were both still present, functioning but still in their pajamas which made me feel better about not contributing to society.

Dorcas was sitting crosslegged in the center of her mattress surrounded by open books and spare bits of parchment, lazily writing in loopy cursive and preparing for the week of classes ahead. Lily was propped up on her pillows, arms folded as she watched me with an anxious look on her face.

"Morning," I said brightly, trying to ignore the pounding between my temples and the way my eyes were resisting fully opening. I pulled my pillow into my lap and hugged it, dark wavy hair falling into my face as I mustered up a smile.

"Marlene!" Lily practically barked, and with a start I realized that she had been waiting on edge for me to wake up but was too polite to take any action. Instinctively, my heart dropped upon hearing her urgency- how could it not, nowadays? More and more people were going missing every day. More students were withdrawing from their friends and their coursework as the bad news from home rolled in. Nobody looked forward to receiving the morning post anymore for fear of the dreaded black envelope being dropped onto their toast, the one that meant somebody had passed.

However, my momentary panic subsided when I saw her hopping out of bed and bounding toward me, holding two different outfits in her hands. She climbed up onto my mattress and sat crosslegged facing me, the expression on her face deathly serious and concentrated as she held up the options for my approval.

Of course, how could I have forgotten. Her big capital-F capital-D "First Date" with James Potter was this afternoon.

"Marlene McKinnon," Lily said slowly, as if this was the most important task she could have entrusted me with. "My wardrobe is in your hands."

I grabbed the two outfits away from her, knowing without even looking them over that neither would be right. No doubt Dorcas had picked them out the night before- sweet and sunny as she may be, her outfit choices were not designed to turn heads.

"When I was up and about this morning, it was freezing outside. Where is he taking you? We should make sure you're dressed weather-appropriate." I said, using my best tact skills.

"We're popping down to Hogsmeade for tea and an early dinner." Lily said, hopping back onto the cold wood of the dormitory floor and helping herself to a look through my trunk. "So you're probably right, I'm going to need something warmer."

I watched her leaf through the tornado of clothing that was my trunk, holding up sweaters and dresses and different pairs of pants for my approval. When nothing caught my eye, I made the astounding effort to pull myself out of bed as well, crossing the room to look through Lily's trunk for things she overlooked.

I began leafing through her perfectly folded and color coordinated fall outfits, taking extreme care not to let anything fall out of order...which is why I didn't notice when Lily yanked open the drawer next to my bed in search of my favorite yellow sweater- and unearthed about fifteen of Sirius Black's t-shirts instead.

"Mar..." Lily said, a funny voice to her edge that I noticed even though my back was still turned. "When exactly were you out and about this morning? I thought you said you'd just woken up."

I knew what had happened immediately and followed my first instinct: I turned and ran back across the room, launching myself onto my bed with my arms outstretched so that I could slam the drawer shut (as if that would fix anything, honestly). Lily looked down at me, arms folded and and eyebrow raised sharply in my direction.

"Honestly, Marlene." The redhead said with a huff, slowly backing off toward her own bed as if my drawer of stolen nightshirts would detonate any moment. "We all know what's going on, we just don't understand why you don't want to talk about it. It's not like the two of you hide it very well, you can just admit that you're dating-"

"We are not dating." I said very seriously, surprised by the severity my tone had taken on. "Honestly, Lil. You're one of my best friends, if I was DATING someone you would be the first to know about it."

"You're not dating him," She said dubiously, trying to study my face for signs. Dorcas continued on with her schoolwork, trying too hard to look like she wasn't hanging on every word. "Then what is going on? If it was just a random go after a party it would have ended by now."

"We aren't dating, cross my heart. We are just..." This was the conversation I had most dreaded. When it was just me and Sirius alone, everything made total sense. We had never talked about it obviously -Don't Mention It, the famous mantra- but the rules and norms of our situation seemed unwritten.

But to other people, I knew it wouldn't make sense. Especially now that Lily and James were dating. Potter did it properly, dropped off flowers and wooed her with his newfound manners, then asked her out for this afternoon.

That was how the dating scene at Hogwarts went for the most part- there were steps you followed, behaviors you partook in, and everything was cleanly labeled, just like Lily's trunk. Color coded, sorted by season, and neatly stacked into little boxes. Nine times out of ten, once outside people got involved in my relationships my love life had turned from the jumbled fun mess of my trunk into a sliced and diced societal expectation.

And people wonder why dating as a teenager is so hard

"We just enjoy hanging out together," I finished lamely. "I enjoy the company of having an adventure with someone, with no romantic feelings whatsoever."

"Is he refusing to date you?" Lily fired the inquisition onward; I could tell that these questions had been burning under the surface for a while now. "Mar, I know what he can be like, but if he's keeping you on the side as some sort of-"

"I don't want to date him," I concluded, knowing that this at least was the truth. "I'm not looking to hold his hand in the hallways and go out to tea. I don't have feelings for him, I just really like exploring this other, erm...dimension of our friendship without things changing."

Lily was unconvinced, so I tried to sum everything up with an insistent "Really!"

"Don't Mention It," had never seemed like such a beautiful phrase before. Trying to explain it would never work the way I wanted it to, so I crossed my fingers that Lily wouldn't bring it up again as I dressed her for her big First Date.

After Lily and James had been long gone -he'd met her in the common room and they'd clambered off through the portrait hole together, stammering nervously with the biggest smiles on their faces- I made my way down to the Great Hall for dinner. Dorcas and Emme had gone down already; I had been set to join them until I caught passing sight of my reflection and stayed back to tame the dark, shiny waves that had been looking more like a birds nest at the moment.

I was never one to obsess over my looks, but I also couldn't pretend that I didn't have an odd fascination with mirrors. When I was alone, I loved to lean into the glass that sat proudly beside my bed, making faces at myself and imagining how others must see me when they pass by.

My complexion was creamy but not pale, and there were a spray of freckles that bridged over my nose, upturned slightly. I hated those freckles, and yet I didn't. How could I ever hate something that was 100% made of me? They were as much Marlene McKinnon as my left arm or my tendency to speak too loudly.

The great hall was already crowded when I arrived, finding Emmeline and Dorcas sitting at the Gryffindor table directly across from Remus Lupin (bookworm), Peter Pettigrew (fat but earnest), and of course Sirius (no comment).

I dropped my bag on the floor beside the bench and slid into a spot next to Dor just as the plates began to pile high with food that was mercifully full of grease- terrible for my diet, and perfect for my hangover. (Kidding, I lack all discipline necessary to diet.)

"Afternoon, Marlene!" piped up Peter enthusiastically.

"How's your day been?" Remus followed up soon after.

Sirius gave a gruff cough by way of greeting.

I shot all three of them a winning smile and told them all about how excited Lily had been for the date we'd all be waiting seven years to see happen. The conversation picked up from there and eased into a more natural flow between everyone, adding to the grand buzz that always seemed to fill the hall.

I was busy cutting off a piece of the chicken on my plate and laughing at a joke that Peter had just executed surprisingly well, when I felt a light kick connect with my shin under the table.

I jumped just enough for it to go unnoticed by the others, looking confused as I scanned the underside of the table for the source of the startling motion. A swinging pair of black trainers were all I could see, my eyeline lifting until I was locked in eye contact with a smirking Sirius Black.

Physically speaking, Sirius's eyes were my favorite thing about him. Grey and swirling, like a storm cloud that hadn't quite let go of its rain yet. He crinkled them at me by way of greeting, swinging his leg at me again, playfully colliding with the side of my shoe.

_Hi, _he mouthed at me, the corners of his smirk twisting upward.

_Hi, _I mimicked his silent greeting, finding myself smiling as well. His long black hair was falling into his face, and he had dark circles under his eyes as evidence of the night before. Who wouldn't smile at a face like that? We were cut from the same cloth, I thought, as my awkward conversation with Lily officially left my mind. This was working, nobody had to ruin it by calling it something it wasn't.

Later that night, I sat curled up in an armchair after being regaled with every detail of Lily and James's date- we rated it as a solid 8 out of 10, with points lost for an off color joke at the expense of a Slytherin but earned back due to a surprising show of chivalry.

I held a book open in my lap, but I had been reading the same page again and again for what seemed like hours; I wasn't in the mood to prepare for the upcoming school week. I just wanted to sit here by the fire, soaking in the warmth and watching the flames make shadows dance across the hearth rug.

I heard footsteps descending the stairs from the boys dormitory and turned my head to see Sirius making a path toward me, flopping onto the couch beside me and looking at me, chin in hand.

"I suppose by now you've heard all the riveting details of the most important date of our lifetimes?" he asked, sarcasm lacing through his voice.

"I could probably give you a minute by minute analysis, but of course I've been sworn to secrecy." I replied with a laugh, abandoning my book on the coffee table, glad to have a distraction. "Can't have information getting over to the enemy camp."

"Enemy!?" Sirius cried dramatically, sitting up and clapping his hand over his heart and feigning hurt. "I have never been so insulted in my entire life, McKinnon."

"Just calling it like I'm seeing it," I said cheekily, throwing in a shrug and sticking my tongue out at him, just for good measure.

"Well how incredibly rude of you." he said, his voice again a melodramatic huff. "And here I was, about to offer you the chance of a lifetime. But no, no, just shun away my valiant efforts."

"What exactly is this chance of a lifetime?" I pressed, raising an eyebrow even though I already knew- I could read through his silliness act better than most by this point. "I might be persuaded to reconsider my attitude problem."

"I was just thinking up there," he started gesturing toward the stairs.

"Up in your bedroom, were you?"

"Yes. It's empty for the evening, by the way, did I mention that? No? It's not important anyway, the fact of the matter is this: I know how sick and tired you must be of hearing detail after detail from Lily's date rehashed. So sick and tired that you might even lose sleep, and contract some sort of deadly virus. And being the gentleman I am, I was planning on offering you a rescue mission for the night, if you will. Like I mentioned, the dormitory is mysteriously empty and I would just feel so selfish if I didn't offer you the opportunity to stay over. For your health, of course," he finished with a grand flourish, laying the entire tale out in one bantering breath.

"I am very health concious..." I murmured, tapping my chin and pretending to carefully consider it.

"I guess there's no other alternative, McKinnon." Sirius said, slapping his hands together like he had just solved some great mystery and jumping to his feet. "The hot mess express is leaving the station!"

His arms were around me before I even knew what was going on, and I found myself lifted into the air and thrown over this shoulder fireman-carry style. My long hair flew everywhere while he bounded up the stairs, as lightly as if he wasn't carrying an extra hundred and some odd pounds.

The dormitory was indeed empty, and eerily dark as the curtains had already been drawn over the windows for the night, keeping the frost out of sight and mind. He dropped me unceremoniously onto the bed where I landed with a bounce and collapsed onto my side, laughing and out of breath.

I stood on the mattress, liking the view from the lofted height. "I'm taller than you are now!" I declared grandly, bouncing up and down on the bed, hearing the old springs protesting their unhappiness with my childishness. "I don't understand why you boys get the good bouncy beds, our are stiff as rocks."

I put my most convincing pout on, but it went unappreciated because by the time I had finished speaking Sirius had already launched at my legs, knocking me back down to a laying position, the wind knocked out of me. His hands dove immediately for my stomach- my biggest regret was telling him how ticklish I was during one drunken episode.

He continued to tickle me until tears were rolling out of my eyes and I was gasping for breath. I only knew the torture session was over when I felt the warmth of his lips pressed against my neck. The mood changed in an instant and I found myself exhaling a small noise as his mouth came up to meet my ear.

"As long as we're calling things like we see them," he said, his voice dropping down to a low whisper. "You happen to look stunning today. Thanks for spending the night with me. Truth is, it's creepy as hell sleeping here alone."

Hours later, after we had laid there for hours drifting in and out of consciousness, I felt his weight shift in the dark as he propped himself up onto his elbow. I felt his eyes watching me through the blackness.

"Mar?" His voice was husky from not being used, and quiet as if he wasn't sure whether I was awake or asleep. I answered with a muffled 'mmphf', the best I could muster. "You know the whole thing with James and Lily...you don't, like...I mean you wouldn't...you don't expect-"

I rolled over to face him, even though all I could make out was a shadowed form.

"Of course not," I said with a sleepy laugh, my head falling back down to the pillow. "Don't mention it. I would ruin you," I teased, just for good measure. "Stop hogging the blanket, I'm freezing."

His responding laugh sounded forced, but I was fast asleep before I could notice.

The next morning went like the one previously- my internal alarm woke me up far earlier than anyone else in the castle and I had tiptoed across the creaking boards and back into my own bed before anyone was any the wiser.


	3. Pillow Talk

The second week of classes in October turned out to be even colder than the first. The grass was covered in a fine layer of frost even when the sun was overhead, and the lake was one giant ice cube.

Despite this, Herbology classes were still resuming in the greenhouses, leading to some frosty breath and sour attitudes. Unfortunately for me, seventh year Gryffindors got to make the trek out into the icy air first thing Monday mornings.

The sky was a solid stretch of grey and I could see my breath puffing out in front of me as me, Lily, and Dorcas jogged arm-in-arm across the lawn, trying to keep our heart rates up as we braved the cold.

The greenhouses proved to be warmer than the outdoors, but only because they provided relief from the whipping wind. The miserable weather had led to the death of many resident plants, or for some the refusal to come out of the sanctuary of their pots. Professor Sprout, appearing dejected, assigned us to a full hour of sorting the many baubles she collected from the Agrilaphia plants into different pots based on size and color- busy work that did nothing to take our minds off the plunging temperature.

Next to me, Lily was talking so fast that a white cloud was ever-presently formed in front of her lips, voice quick and low so that James, currently working at the next table with the other boys, wouldn't be able to hear her continued play-by-play analysis of yesterday's date. Apparently I was being paid back for hiding out the night before.

"...and he brought me a flower, but it was a daisy, not a lily, and I can't tell if he was being really clever by not doing the cliche thing or if he really didn't put any thought into it at all-"

"Daisies are your favorite," I pointed out, trying to work as quickly as possible hoping to be let go early. "I'm sure he picked that up while he's been following you around the last few years. I think you're overthinking it."

"Maybe you're UNDER thinking it," Lily retorted with a huff and an impatient stamp of her foot.

"Dor and Emmeline are really more helpful in the dating department." I sighed with a shrug. "Don't do it as a rule, don't discuss it as an enriching life choice."

Her retort was only a dubious laugh. "Of course you don't, Mar."

"Tell me again about what you both ordered," Dorcas piped up, grabbing Lily's attention and rescuing me.

I returned my own attention to the potted plant in front of me, fingers shaking as I tried to sort the orange baubles from the pink. I was getting careless but it was hard not to- my fingers were gripping the seeds too hard and didn't want to unclench.

"Marlene, hey," The voice came from across the table, from the mouth of Colin McKenzie, a Hufflepuff in our year. I had known him since fourth year but only in passing; due to our proximity in alphabetical order we were often paired up for class projects.

"Colin! How's it going?" I asked with the biggest smile my frozen cheeks could muster. "Are we still set to work on that potions practical next week?"

"Yeah, uh, definitely, I'll meet you down in the dungeons after our class," He was looking at me with a funny squint on his face. "What was that you were saying about not dating?" He ran a hand through his ruffled blonde hair and I blushed three different shades of red, embarrassed that he had been listening in.

"Oh, yeah I...don't. Generally. It's like...not my thing." I definitely didn't know him well enough to be talking like this. "At all."

"Oh that's..okay, yeah. Didn't know that, it's- I did not know that." The air surrounding our conversation got tangibly awkward as we both both faded off with lame coughs. Time seemed to move in slow motion and the plant project had never seemed so fascinating.

"WOW, it's cold out here!" I said, much too loudly in an attempt to sound casual. Several people working at our table snapped their heads in my direction, startled by the sudden noise. Lily snorted out a laugh next to me. "I am freeee-eeeezing," I finished off lamely, at a more normal level.

I wound up blushing further and pushing myself to finish sorting seeds as fast as humanely possible, devoting all my concentration to making my frozen fingers fly.

I was working so hard that I didn't notice right away as a heavy, warm weight fell ceremoniously onto my shoulders. Confused, my hands flew up to my arms, which were now covered by a second cloak, lined with fur and darker than my own. My body gratefully accepted the extra heat as I put my arms through the sleeves and burrowed into the fur, but my brow furrowed as my head twisted around, scanning the greenhouses for the culprit.

My eyes landed on Sirius across the room, slipping back into his place between Remus and James, shivering slightly without his cloak.

His eyes rose to meet mine and I was struck by how old he looked for a moment- dark circles had formed under his eyes and the lines in his face seemed to be reaching deeper. He hadn't slept soundly the night before, but I didn't think anything of it until now. Sirius didn't smile before he lowered his head back to his work, dark hair falling gracefully over his eyes and his callused hands working on autopilot.

We didn't speak for the rest of the week.

Classes and the bad weather dragged on for the rest of the week. By Friday, the sky overhead was closer to a swirling black than a solid gray and I was exhausted. Sirius didn't kick me under the table at breakfast and he seemed increasingly withdrawn.

Fridays meant no classes for the seventh years, but the bad weather had everybody in low spirits so there was a lot of couch-sitting and mid-afternoon-napping going on.

The Gryffindor common room was comparatively cheerful, and the fire was blazing around the clock. James and Lily were curled up together on the couch (gross), Emmeline was nowhere to be found (bonus!) and Dorcas was sitting between Peter and Remus at one of the low tables in the corner, trying to put together the finishing touches on a transfiguration presentation they had teamed up for.

I descended the stairs from the girls dormitory, yawning and stretching as I tried to convince my body to wake up from the nap it had just taken. I hadn't bothered to get out of my oversized t-shirt and running shorts that I had passed out in; I was aiming to be back in bed with a good book in the span of a few hours, if everything went my way.

Sirius's cloak was rolled up and folded over my arm and I hugged it close to my chest as I bounded into the common room and looked around. The usual suspects were all accounted for, except for the one I was on the lookout for. Before I could even say anything, Remus caught my eye and pointed me toward the boy's stairs.

With a huff, I hopped barefoot across the warm carpet, wincing as my toes made contact with the cold stone steps. The door at the top of the stairs was closed tightly, odd for this time of day. I pushed it open hesitantly, eyes adjusting to the darkness.

"Sirius," I singsonged softly, stepping into the dark room and closing the door behind me. There was a dark shadow sitting at the edge of his mattress, head in hands that lifted in my direction when I entered. "I thought I would bring this up to you."

I held the cloak out at arms length and took another step toward him, never having seen him in a mood like this and not sure I wanted to get mixed up in it. Sirius rose slowly, dark form coming toward me, reaching out and pulling the cloak out of my grasp and throwing it onto the bed.

"Thank you," he said stiffly, standing two heads higher than me and rigid. I definitely didn't feel welcome here, so I backed away slowly, blindly finding the doorhandle in the darkness. "You don't have to go, it's fine." His voice cracked slightly as I began to twist it open.

"I would, but I have to, uh...do the thing for...trans- herb- charms." I stammered out, shrinking even further toward the door awkwardly. This dynamic was not doing good things for the energy between us.

"Yeah, I get it." he said, his voice duller and flatter than I have ever heard it in my life. "Nobody wants to be around the downer." He turned on his heel and made a beeline back toward his bed, flopping unceremoniously onto the mattress. I sucked air into my lungs deeply, exhaling with a sigh before making my way over to him.

I pulled myself onto the bed next to him, rolling onto my side and running my nails up and down his back. I was completely useless in this sort of situation but that didn't mean I didn't know the fundamentals of basic human comfort. After a few minutes of this, he let out a groan and sat up at the headboard. I did the same, leaning my head on his shoulder and offering up a hand on the knee (I was making all sorts of comforting gestures today, I deserved a medal in friendship, let me tell you).

Sirius put an arm around me and ran his hand up and down my arm, sending chills down my spine. He laid his head on my head, his hair falling onto my face and tickling my nose. Normally I would have teasingly told him to get a haircut, but I didn't have the heart to break the silence.

"I don't want to talk about it," he said softly, giving me a one armed squeeze.

"Well good," I said cheekily, turning my face and planting a firm kiss on his cheek. "Because I don't want to talk about it either." A thin laugh escaped him and he hugged me tighter. I tossed my legs over his lap so that I was turned to face him. "Really though...if something's on your mind, lay it on me. I can take it."

"It's just family stuff," he said vaguely, waving his hands as if that would make it less abstract. Sirius didn't like to talk about his family life, and I had always been careful not to challenge that, even last summer when I heard the news secondhand that he had run away. I knew he had a brother at the school, but that was about it. "There is something I would like to lay on you though." he said devilishly, waggling his eyebrows at me as he leaned in and planted a kiss on my lips.

"I think you should go over that again, I'm not sure I really got it." I challenged, shifting again so that I was sitting on top of him, one knee on each side of his body. Sirius obliged by leaning into me, teeth lightly closing over my lower lip before he kissed me deeper.

I let out a soft noise and kissed him back, guiding my hands to the buttons on his shirt, carefully opening them one by one. When his shirt was open, I ran a hand over his tanned chest, resting it on his shoulder for support. His lips planted themselves everywhere: my cheek, my earlobe, the tip of my nose.

My heart rate picked up dramatically as I pressed my forehead against his, and I could feel him smiling even though my eyes were closed. He kissed me again, hands grazing down my sides and coming to a rest at my hips. He exhaled heavily and I took that as my cue to push the shoulders of his shirt down around his elbows, and from his elbows to the surface of the bed. He pulled it out from behind him and threw it to the floor just for good measure.

I kissed him on the shoulder and then in a pattern down his arm, across his chest, over his heart- I felt it beating steadily against his ribcage. Sirius's hands wove themselves through my hair, and he pulled me upward so that our lips collided again. He paused abruptly and pulled back, looking into my eyes and raising his eyebrows as a question, permission to go further (as if he needed it at this point). I nodded in return and kissed him more intensely; his hands found the hemline of my shirt, lingering for a moment before he tugged it upward, pulling it over my head and tossing it into the darkness with his.

He started at my lower back and rhythmically moved his hands north, lightly scratching my skin into swirled patterns; he traced his way up to my bra clasp and fumbled on the clip, blindly pushing into it, his lips never leaving mine though he was laughing lightly at his faux-pas. The fumbling continued as he soldiered on (being who he was, you'd think this would be a strong suit by now, but it wasn't so). His lips found my neck, grazing his teeth lightly over the skin, giving me the chills in the way he knew drove me crazy.

"You are something special," he whispered into my ear, moving his hips against mine, lips dancing across my shoulder before returning to my neck. "Marlene, you are really-"

"WHOA!" The room suddenly flooded with light as the voice sounded from behind me, accompanied by the banging open of the door.

Mood completely shattered, I jumped what felt like ten feet into the air, sputtering out nonsensical expressions while I scrambled to put as much space between me and Sirius as possible, pulling a pillow across my chest and hiding behind it.

James stood in the doorway, eyes wide and frozen to the spot like he wanted to move but couldn't remember how.

"Whoa, whoa," he said again, putting his hands up in surrender and stumbling backwards out of the room, clearly just as embarrassed as me. "I am so sorry, I'll just-"

Remus suddenly appeared behind him, coughing nervously as he realized what was going on. I felt my face flushing a dark red as they mumbled something lame about waiting in the stairway and ducked out of the room.

The moment the door closed, I began to cry.

Sirius jumped into action faster than I would have thought possible, after he got over the shock value of seeing tears come out of me for the first time in his life. I was going to town, too- my shortness of breath turned into nervous hiccups as I tried to quiet myself down.

"Honestly, I'm surprised it hadn't happened sooner," he said with a shrug, hopping out of bed to find my t-shirt for me, acting casually but lowering his voice to a calm, even, comforting tone. He gingerly dabbed my eyes with the shirt before he helped me pull it over my head. He even fluffed my hair dramatically, just for good measure. "You look lovely," he promised, planting a kiss on each tear rolling down my face, stopping them in their tracks.

"Oh Merlin, I'm sorry," I sniffed, rubbing off what makeup was left on my eyes. "I never-"

"Don't mention it!" he laughed with a wink, rubbing his hands up and down my upper arms, warming me up. He flicked me in the forehead with his pointer finger and then pushed me down onto the bed so I was laying flat. "I'm going to let those guys back in. They can't sleep for twelve hours straight if they don't get a head start on it!"

The reentrance of James and Remus was not as awkward as I was picturing. Peter had joined them by this point and I know he had heard about what was going on from the others. He craned his neck at me and squinted, and I pulled the pillow even tighter around me. Peter had a reputation for being a bit of a creep, to be perfectly honest.

"Marlene is going to spend the night, if that's okay." Sirius said nonchalantly, scanning the room for any objections, as if they were likely to come.

"As long as you keep it down," James teased, tossing a wink in my direction before he hopped into his own bed, pulling the curtains closed around him. The others followed suit, and soon the room was dark again, filled only with the sounds of heavy breathing and someone breaking off into uneven snores.

Sirius held me close to him, and I could feel him beginning to doze off. I was too alert to fall asleep, all I could think about was if things would be different somehow. Surely everyone had known what was going on between us, but this was the first time anyone had ever witnessed it firsthand. I'd always come in when the room was empty for the night (oddly enough it had happened at least once a month, a curious pattern I'd never thought about too hard), or when we had all been drinking and the curtains were drawn.

"Maybe now that they know you're here," Sirius said softly, failing to suppress a yawn and nuzzling his head into my neck. "You won't have to sneak out in the morning."

He had barely gotten the words out before I felt his breathing deepen into regular half-snores and he was gone for the night.

The sun had barely risen when my eyes opened on their own. I was still groggy, but I wriggled out from under the dead weight of his arm, trying not to get tangled up in the bed curtain as I passed through it. I had just touched the door handle when I heard an insistent cough from behind me.

Whirling around, I saw that James was sitting up in bed, evenly watching me with his arms crossed and a frown on his face.

"Good morning," I said quietly, my voice hoarse as I pushed a lock of hair behind my ear, discomfort at being caught bubbling up in my stomach.

"One day he's going to wake up before you," James said quietly.

"I'll rethink my exit strategy," I answered softly, opening the door.

"Please don't hurt my best friend." came his reply, bolstered with a maturity and level of caring I'd never seen in him before. Lily was right about him becoming an adult, slowly but surely.

"I would never hurt him." And then, on my way out, "Nobody is going to get hurt."

Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie.


	4. Harsh Words

Saturdays were a particular favorite of mine, but nobody seemed to be in anything less than a rotten mood this week. Lily and James had had their first row since they began dating the previous evening –most likely prompting him to go to bed earlier than normal, leading to the embarrassment I had recently suffered—and now she was worried that their honeymoon phase was "lost forever".

For a girl who couldn't stand this guy a year ago, she seemed to be falling quite fast, but the way conditions in the outside world were nowadays there seemed to be a lot of fast-falling going around. With a new family turning up dead every week it was like the whole lot of graduating students was experiencing a collective midlife crisis.

Dorcas was in a sour mood after being kept up late by Lily, who needed reassurance that everything would turn out fine. I couldn't blame either of them; after all, I'd fallen hard for boys (before the existence of my all-time favorite mantra, Don't Mention It, came to fruition) and I know how overwhelming it can be to think you've screwed up. However, I had long since stopped apologizing for my actions, wrong or otherwise, so I could sympathize with Dor's exasperation.

Miss Emmeline Vance, in sharp comparison to the other two, was absolutely inconsolable. So much so that I couldn't even pick out a thing about her to annoy me as she lay there whimpering sadly into her pillow; Lily told me that her Ravenclaw boyfriend of two years had broken up with her this morning, right in the middle of breakfast like he was discussing the weather. If I was a boy, I'd cut her loose too, but that didn't mean I was heartless enough to be happy over her sadness. She didn't even have the strength to complain about the state our bedroom was in (jewelty hanging off bedposts, the floor littered with worn and almost-worn outfits from the last few days) so I knew she was in bad shape.

Feeling a stroke of brilliance, I suggested we head down to lunch as a group to cheer up, but things there went from bad to worse. Not for Lily, of course, who had fallen steadily in synch with James since the beginning of the year. He was in the entrance hall when we approached, and the two lovebirds hugged it out as soon as they made eye contact. This brought on Emme bursting into tears, however, and Dorcas to furiously mumble something about staying up for nothing (quite uncharacteristic, but a side of her I was rather enjoying getting to see).

We took our seats at our usual spots across from James and his gang; none of them seemed to be faring much better than the whiny caravan of ladies I had brought in tow. James and Lily were the only ones talking out of all of us, cheerfully chattering away and holding hands over the butter dish (vomit) while the rest of us sat in stony, uncomfortable silence. Remus looked like he was about to catch the most spectacular flu- he was peaky and pale and swollen purple bags were forming under his eyes. Peter was twitchy and kept refusing to make eye contact with me (credit to the rumor mill of last night, no doubt).

I don't even have words to describe the stone wall that was Sirius's face. Though I addressed him directly when I swung my leg over the bench to sit down opposite from him at breakfast, he only responded with a curt nod and continued to stare down his breakfast. A half hour in and I had all but given up on thinking he'd look up and smile at me any moment.

A burst of hope flashed through me as I felt a light collision with my shin under the table, and I did indeed look up to find my brown eyes in lock with Sirius's grey. His jaw was set firmly and a vein over his eye was prominently making itself known. I waited, waited for the part where his face would split wide into a smile, the moment when his eyebrows would raise and he would mouth a _good morning _to me with a wink. I waited for the secret glances we would steal when nobody else was looking, the ones that signified how alike we were, how we were really a separate entity from the others, our own little team when we wanted to be.

None of those things happened.

What did happen was that he reached across the table, grabbed me by the wrist, and turned my palm skyward. For a horrifying moment I thought he was about to hold my hand, but the alternative couldn't be called preferable. Into my now open hand, with an unceremonious _clink,_ he dropped two pearl earrings, the ones I had been wearing the night before, the ones I had forgotten to take with me when I stole away this morning.

"Could you please," he started, his voice lower than usual with an unfamiliar edge. "Stop leaving your junk in my room?"

Everyone was watching us now, and I felt my chest tighten up uncomfortably. There was no reason for him to be acting so hostile, when everything had been just fine last I saw him. A scream at the pit of my stomach told me that James had something to do with this.

I curled my hand around the earrings, putting on my best poker face as I brought them to eye level. They were my earrings. They were my _favorite_ earrings, the one I wore to my older brother's wedding when I got to walk down the aisle in a too-tight chiffon gown.

"These aren't mine," I said, doing my best to make my voice sound confused. "I've never seen these before, I'm sorry." I reached across the table and grabbed his arm in the same fashion, dropping the small white pearls into his rough palms.

I lifted my chin so that we were again locked in eye contact; both jaws locked stubbornly, nobody daring to blink. I felt six pairs of eyes boring a hole into my skull, but I sighed, acting unfazed.

"They look expensive," I added at the end, spiting him just for good measure. "I'd be happy to pocket them if you aren't seeing her anymore."

A repressed gasp from Lily to my right told me that I had won her over. I didn't like to lie, but if she was convinced Sirius was down here, parading some other girl's jewelry in my face, it wouldn't be hard to win over the others with the same story. We'd seen it before, as a matter of fact. It was a tactic he'd employed throughout fifth year.

Without another word, Sirius rose and left the hall, leaving his half-eaten meal behind. I reached across the table and stabbed a piece of his bacon with my fork, air lifting it over to my own plate. It was harder than I thought being cold toward him, but he knew what he was getting into.

Whether I knew why he had suddenly decided to be childish or not, Marlene McKinnon was a force to be reckoned with. He was bound to find out sooner or later.

It was nearing dusk when I saw Remus exiting the portrait hole, flagged on either side by Peter and James like they were guarding a person of political importance from a shooter. They were shuffling out of the common room as fast as I had ever seen any of them move, like they were late for something incredibly important. Their eyes darted suspiciously around and for a moment I thought they might even be running _from _something. But nobody followed them down the stairs.

I had been expecting to see Sirius taking up the rear of their odd formation, but something almost like disappointment crumbled though me when I found he did not appear. Against my better judgment, I found my eyes wandering to the base of the staircase to the boys' dormitory.

I didn't need to check on him. He was fine. I had no reason to go check on him. He had behaved like a complete jerk at lunch.

While that train of logic was weaving through my head, my feet commended themselves to rise from my armchair and I found myself climbing the familiar staircase anyway.

I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't a towel-clad Sirius Black standing in the middle of his bedroom, bleeding profusely from an open wound on his back.

"Oh my God," It came out as more of a yelp, even though I had intended on keeping things subtle. Sirius whirled around to look at me, the accusing and abruptly shocked look on his face melting first into panic and then concern when he saw me standing there. I had to look ridiculous, I realized, wearing a t-shirt so large it made me appear pantsless, my hair gathered at the top of my head, and a stupid, shocked look plastered across my face.

Sirius kept his back deliberately out of my sight as he tried to diffuse the tension.

"Nothing you haven't seen before," he attempted a joke and a flex of his muscles, but he visibly winced and I felt my lip tremble slightly as I saw blood running down his side, soaking into the towel that covered his lower half. Had I really been mad at him a minute ago? I couldn't remember.

"What the fuck happened?" I demanded, snapping back into myself, determined not to lose face in front of him (even if it was in the presence of a gaping flesh wound).

"Nothing," he lied, badly. Was he always such a bad liar? I'd seen him spin tale after tale on a whim before- he must have been in ridiculous amounts of pain.

"Sit down," I snapped at him, marching forward and putting my hands on his shoulders, steering him toward the bed and pushing him to a sitting position. "Let me look at this."

Let me preface by saying that I had absolutely no –and I mean no, none, zilch, absolutely no- background knowledge in flesh wounds. Hell, I barely had background in how to deal with scraped knees. But something drove me to kneel on the bed behind him, trying to investigate the source of the bleeding.

And it was disgusting.

A gash five inches long was slashed through his back, up by the shoulder blade, and the bleeding didn't appear to be stopping anytime soon.

"Did you get attacked by something?" I breathed, my eyes going wide as I realized what the cut was. It could only have come from some sort of animal, a wolf or a bear, or Merlin knows what else.

"Don't be thick, Marlene." Sirius answered shortly, standing back up and taking a few long strides away from me, his voice reverting to the coldness of this afternoon. And then, turning to face me, "Is that my shirt?"

"Maybe," I answered, crossing my arms self-consciously over my chest, sinking down to a sitting position on his comforter. I still couldn't figure out the source of his cruelty; maybe this was how it felt for all his other girls when he was done with them.

"What do you have on under it?" he asked, giving me a once over. Was he serious?

"If you think we're going to hook up after the way you behaved-"

"I just told you not to be thick," he snapped before I was even done speaking, before I even knew what I wanted to say. "I want it back," came his conclusion after a drawn out silence. I furrowed my brow at him and pulled my arms even tighter over my body. Now? He was out of his mind.

"I'll give it back when you stop acting like a complete ass," I retorted, sliding off the bed and pushing past him on the way to the door. And then against my better judgment, "Go get your back looked at tonight."

"Come off it, you're not my wife." His voice was edged even harder than before; these felt like words he had been saving up for when we finally had a row.

"Thank goodness for that!" I shouted, turning on my heel in the doorway and facing him again, positively shaking with anger. His face was emotionless and his posture was still, but there were storm clouds brewing in his eyes. "How lucky for me that I don't have a life sentence of picking up after you! I feel sorry for whoever winds up with that job."

"If you don't mind, I'd like you to leave now." So polite, even when he was coming unhinged. But the sting hadn't yet been delivered. "I don't much feel like sharing a bed with you tonight. Not like you'd be here come morning anyway." I was caught off guard.

"Is that what this is about?" I asked softly, dropping my arms to my side in defeat. Gingerly, I crossed over to him. Still shaking a little, I lifted a hand and pressed it against his face, flushed warm from the argument we were having, trying to make him understand. "I didn't-"

Before I knew what had happened, Sirius had smacked my hand away so that it fell into my chest, stinging and red from the impact. He put his hands on my shoulders and roughly guided me out through the doorway.

"There's a party tonight in the Astronomy tower 'round midnight." He said, his voice still rough but no longer cruel. His words, however, were.

Just when I thought he was about to ask me to meet him, later when he'd calmed down and had time to think, the last words he spoke as he closed the door in my face were: "I'm sure somebody there is looking for an easy lay."


	5. Calm Before The Storm

It was Lily who found me, still drunk and carrying around an empty bottle of Firewhiskey like a small child totes around a teddy bear, early the next morning, during her Head Girl rounds. She said I was down in the dungeons, near the kitchens, but I've yet to figure out the how or why of that situation. I don't remember running into her, but I do remember certain highlights from her lecture on "self-destructive behavior" as we made our way through the castle. I remember thinking it was hilarious.

I also have a vague memory of Lily leading me through the portrait hole into the common room and coming face to face with Sirius, sitting on the arm of the plush couch and wringing his hands nervously like he had been waiting a long time for us to turn up.

"It's not a good time," Lily had said to him, steering me by the shoulders and trying to get me upstairs as quickly and subtly as possible. According to her, I just laughed and laughed and hugged my empty liquor bottle to my chest.

Sirius stepped toward us and grabbed me by the wrist, and in my memory of the event he sounded both far away and underwater as he said, "Just let me talk to her so I can make things right."

"No!" Lily snapped.

"No!" I remember snapping, just because Lily had and I thought myself incredibly funny.

"Marlene," started Sirius, stepping in front of me, blocking the stairs.

"Needs to get some sleep before she earns a detention," finished Lily for him, grabbing full hold of my arm and dragging me up the staircase.

What I _don't _remember is shouting "Piss off, Sirius!" and flinging the whiskey bottle down the stairs at him, but Lily tells me it happened all the same.

* * *

I woke up close to dinner time on that Sunday, to both a raging headache and a tall glass of water sitting on my bedside table. The perks of being best friends with Lily Evans were endless. The dormitory was dark, empty with all the windows drawn. It was like my own personal hangover cave, which made it about ten times harder than it should have been to crawl out of bed and get into some clean clothes.

Distorted memories from the night before floated around and blended in my head, but the general message was easy enough to discern: mad at Sirius, alcohol, etc.

The common room was also deserted, which indicated that dinner had already started. My stomach rumbled its agreement (actually it sounded more like a whale mating call), so I clambered out into the hallway and made my way to the Great Hall.

My friends were sitting in their usual seats at the far end of the table, laughing and joking—complete opposites from the downers they'd been the day before. The only exception to this was Sirius, watching me apprehensively as I sat down and piled my plate high with food.

I felt a light kick under the table, and I ignored it.

"I hear you went on quite the bender last night," James said appreciatively, leaning in for the details. He has always been encouraging of general poor decision making, and I was no exception to his rule.

"The stuff of legends," I agreed cheekily, toasting a glass to myself before drinking from it. There weren't enough fluids in the world to make me feel better.

"How did you manage to get back without getting into trouble?" Peter asked, sounding somewhat jealous. He was famous for getting caught every time he so much as sipped wine.

"I don't even remember leaving the party," I answered honestly, shrugging it off. It wasn't like they'd never been in my position.

"Wish we could have gone," sighed Remus, who was looking even sicker, if possible, than the day before. "I was up doing a research project all night."

"You look like you haven't slept much," I commented, giving him a worried once over.

The conversation reached an easy ebb and flow as everyone tucked into their meals.

_Kick_, Sirius's foot connected with my shin, a little harder than the time before.

_Kick, _I ignored him for a third time, devoting extra attention to my mashed potatoes.

_Kick, kick, kick. _I angrily opened my mouth to tell him off, but before I could Colin McKenzie, the Hufflepuff that worked at our Herbology table came walking past on his way out of the hall.

"Good seeing you last night, Marlene!" Colin called cheerfully, resting a hand briefly on my shoulder as he passed.

"You too! I had a lot of fun," I replied enthusiastically to his retreating figure, even though I couldn't remember seeing him at the party even in passing. Lily shot me a questioning look and I replied with a telling shrug.

"So you're shacking up with McKenzie now?" The voice came from Sirius, who suddenly looked livid even though he kept his voice quiet and calm. His hand was clenched around his fork much too tightly.

_Of course not, _piped up the voice in my head.

"That's not any of your concern," piped up the voice in my throat, out loud. "And since it's not a Friday night and you appear to be perfectly sober, I can't imagine why you're speaking to me right now."

"You're not being fair!" Sirius retorted, no longer keeping his voice quiet, slamming a hand down on the table. "I tried to-"

"I'm not doing this here," I hissed at him, glowering dangerously. Our friends had all ducked their heads, embarrassed by the attention that was now on our group from others in the hall, averting their eyes but plainly listening to every word.

"Fine, but can we go-"

"No." I huffed this syllable out as I began to gather my bag off the floor.

"Well you don't have to be such a bitch about it." He snapped stonily, apparently over trying to resolve the situation.

"I have a lot of work to do for class this week." I stood up, not feeling like either making peace or continuing the row in public, and began to storm off to the library for the remainder of the evening.

"Wait up!" It was James who spoke now, rising to his feet and jogging lightly after me. He patted Sirius on the back with a quiet _Sorry, mate_ as he passed, catching up to me before I reached the door. Slightly out of breath from his job, he panted out: "You promised to help me out with that charms essay."

I nodded with a sigh and we walked off to the library together.

* * *

To my surprise, James remained concentrated throughout the construction of our charms essays, asking only school-related questions and even offering me some helpful suggestions.

That fairytale ended almost immediately after James's essay was completed.

"I think he cares about you more than he lets on," James started hesitantly, gauging my reaction.

"I don't want him to care about me," I said with a laugh. "I just want him to not be a total ass. I was happy with how things were."

"Maybe he _wasn't _happy with how things were. It's not a crime to want you to sleep over and go out to a nice dinner with him."

"It's not a crime," I agreed. "But it's also not what I'm looking for. He knows that. Besides, he never asked me out to dinner." I pointed out, feeling uncomfortable with the whole situation.

"If he asked you out to dinner, would you even say yes?" James pressed on, raising an eyebrown.

"Certainly not after the way he acted last night."

James groaned and ran a hand through his hair. "I knew he would mess up."

"He didn't even come close. He called me an easy lay, and I know you had something to do with it."

"Hey, hey, no. All I told him was to tell you how he really feels."

"Maybe that's how he really feels then." I crossed my arms and surveyed his face, waiting for an answer.

"You don't believe that for a single second, do you?" James asked, smiling slightly and shaking his head. "Self-confidence was never something you lacked, Marlene the machine."

I didn't answer his question, but I did lean my forearms on the table, unsure whether I should say what I was thinking.

"With everything going on right now," I started, not sure how to phrase the paralyzing fear that was always in the pit of my stomach. "The war and all…I keep thinking that I'm probably better off not getting attached to anyone. There's already enough to worry about."

James had already gathered his things into his bag, so he was standing when he pointed out, "Just because you aren't dating him, it doesn't mean you aren't attached."

Then he left me alone for the evening, having said what he needed to, surrounded by a pile of books and rejected pieces of parchment.

Twenty minutes later, the explosion happened.


	6. Up In Smoke

_It was Sunday, October 16, 1977 at approximately 7:45pm when an unknown group of people in cohorts with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named set off an explosion in the Hogwarts library. About half of the structure was destroyed. Fourteen students and one librarian were injured, three were later found dead._

That was what the official report would later read.

I don't remember hearing the explosion, even though a healer would tell me it had been so loud that I was lucky I didn't have ear damage. What I do remember was sitting cross-legged at a table, working at a slow pace as I was planning on spending the entire night studying anyway. I remember trying to answer a multiple choice question: was it A, or could it be C?

The next thing I remember was a sharp pain in my forehead as the blast forced my head to make contact with the wooden surface of the table. There was heat, unbearable heat that made my flesh feel like it was wont to melt off at any moment.

Everything else went in slow motion. Somebody, somewhere, was crying. I dropped to the floor and tried to plan my next move, but all I could see was fire closing in, chewing through the books, using them as fuel. My lungs started to ache from breathing in smoke, and I knew I had to move.

I crawled. My eyes felt heavy and out of focus. They would tell me later I was lucky to have not gotten a concussion. I didn't feel lucky.

Somewhere, somebody was calling for help. Another voice was booming through the crumbling structure, calling out for someone named Lydia.

Shelves began to crash down, knock each other over, spreading the fire to unlit counterparts. My mom used to use that method when she lit the birthday candles on our cakes. _Oh God,_ I thought, my heart sinking sickeningly low, _I'm never going to see my family again. _

A group of figures in black hoods suddenly came charging through the library, apparently uninhibited by the smoke or flames. I tried to pull myself out of the way, but it did me no good—they crashed through on their intended path without pause. The last one to run past nearly tripped over me, but turned it into a forceful kick instead. Something cracked…something in my ribs. It was getting harder to breathe.

Staying low to the ground, I shuffled myself behind a row of bookshelves that had not yet gone up in flames, moving backwards to stay aware of the surroundings. _Where is my wand? _I thought to myself, panicking as I checked the pockets of my robes. _I need to find my- _

"Marlene!" the voice came from far away, and I found myself looking up into the ashy, bleeding face of Colin McKenzie, running toward me from across the room. "Marlene, don't move, do you hear me? Don't-"

A flash of green light shot through the fall of flame, hitting Colin square in the back.

I was blinded for a moment, and when I got my vision back, Colin was lying flat on the floor, barely three feet away from me.

That was how I saw Colin McKenzie die.

Somebody, far away, was screaming. Screaming themselves hoarse. Terrified, raspy, inhuman screams. I had a headache. Why did I have a headache? Who was screaming? Why wouldn't they stop?

With a terrified jolt I realized that the screams were coming out of me, and that I couldn't stop them.

I fell forward onto the floor, onto Colin's arm, or what used to be Colin's arm. I held his hand, and I couldn't tell if it was my imagination or not but it already felt cold.

He had kissed me last night at the party, I was sure I remembered it now. I had kissed someone last night and now they were dead. I was lying on the floor, surrounded by fire, holding the hand of a dead boy.

I couldn't breathe at all, suddenly, and I don't know if it was because of the smoke or because I was hyperventilating.

All I know for sure is that I screamed until the moment I passed out.

* * *

"She's awake," The urgent voice came from above me, somewhere miles away. Was I laying on stone? Everything hurt. "I SAID THIS ONE IS AWAKE!" the voice above me boomed, sending my head into a spiral of pain. _I'm not awake, _argued my brain, _leave me alone. _

"Don't try to open your eyes," this voice was closer, right next to my ear. I opened them anyway. It was a mistake. I was thrown into a dizzy flurry of colors whooshing past, bright bursts of green and pink and red and gold zooming in circles, all on a background of black.

"Something's on fire," I managed to croak out. I felt like I was swallowing sandpaper, my throat was on fire. "There was a fire." My eyes started to adjust and I realized I was lying on my back in the stone corridor outside of the library. Bodies were littered haphazardly all down the hall, being tended to by a manic staff of professors, nurses, older students, people I had never seen before.

"The fire has been put out," the voice next to my ear said. She was young, with straw colored hair and huge black eyes. "We're going to need you to help us put together an account of what happened tomorrow when you're feeling better." I like her voice, it was quiet and reassuring even though nothing would ever be okay again.

"Colin's dead," was the only phrase I was able to get out before my throat got too thick to talk, before my stomach dropped into my knees and I felt like I was about to lose my mind. The look on her face said that she already knew.

"You're quite lucky." Come another voice, a gruff man, the one who had originally announced I was awake. He didn't sound so far away anymore. "You had two broken ribs, but we managed to heal them while you were unconscious. They will be sore for a few days. You also suffered from multiple—Excuse me Miss, what do you think you're doing?!"

What I was doing was rising to my feet, sliding against the wall for support. They weren't kidding when they said I would be in pain; any movement felt like my limbs were on fire, my bones were breaking, my muscles would tear in two. The healers turned away, satisfied that I would stay put. There were people everywhere; bones were visibly broken, a first year girl was shaking in the corner.

A boom echoed through the hall, and I realized that they were broadcasting the search throughout the whole castle, trying to keep panic low by sharing the investigation details.

**Count is up to three fatalities… **the sound echoed and twisted off the walls, bouncing back through my head on a loop. _Three fatalities. _Why were they broadcasting this?! This was not something anyone needed to hear. This wasn't something I needed to hear. I couldn't breathe again; my chest began rising and falling shallowly, not catching any of the air it was reaching for.

**Found: body of a brunette female. Age is approximately 15 to 17 years. Appears to be in Gryffindor robes.**

I panicked. That sounded like me. Was it me?! _Don't be stupid, you're alive, _the voice inside my head chided. Was I?

I caught sight of my reflection in a broken shard of glass. My forehead was cut open, bleeding a red river down the side of my face. Some of my hair was either gone or matted back by blood. I was gray, I was black, I was covered in ash and burns. Face, collarbone, my shoulders were all flushed with purple and blue bruises, blooming anywhere my skin was visible outside of my shirt. Where were my robes? _You're quite lucky,_ they'd told me. _Lucky. _

Maybe not lucky, but I was alive. That was a good start.

"I need to go," I said softly, but nobody heard me. Looking back on it, I don't think I ever really spoke at all. I inched myself along the wall slowly, using it as support. Every part of my body screamed in protest. The man turned around and saw me moving, saw me shuffling toward the exit.

He shouted after me, hollered that the hallways were on lockdown, but the corridor was too crowded for him to get to me. Many voices followed me, but they couldn't spare any personnel to chase me down and bring me back.

I ran. I gritted my teeth, held my breath, and ignored every part of my body that was begging to be kept still. Twice, I tripped smacking my knee into the stone floor, calling blood to the surface. It didn't make any difference, I was a running corpse anyway.

I don't know how long it took me to get to the portrait of the Fat Lady, but I made it. McGonagall was standing guard and nearly fainted when I came stumbling up. I had to look like something pulled straight of a horror film. She opened her mouth to admonish me, maybe, to tell me I should have stayed put, or maybe to ask for information. No sound ever came out, but tears sprung into her eyes and she obliged in swinging the portrait open so I could pull my broken body through.

The scene I climbed into was heartbreaking, and hit me all at once in an over-stimulating blow. The entire house was crowded into the room. Groups of friends were knit tight together, holding hands across laps, sobbing into shoulders. Scarcely anyone noticed when I was first entered the room; everyone was busy offering comfort or being comforted, thinking out loud or trying not to think at all, pacing furiously or rooted to the spot.

I saw Lily before she saw me, and a lump rose suddenly in my throat. She was sitting on the couch by the fireplace, lying across both James and Remus's laps, sobbing. The boys were holding her down more than comforting her, she was shaking so hard. Dorcas and Emmeline had their backs to me but I saw them too, sitting on either side of Peter with their heads on each of his shoulders, staring into the fire, nobody talking.

James saw me first, his face a mask of panic and relief blended into one. He shook Lily by the shoulder and she lifted her head. Our eyes met across the room and I don't think I have ever felt so much love for another person surge up in my heart all at once. She tried to stand and run to me but fell to her knees instead; still crying too hard to process what was happening. I tried to run to her, planning to comfort her, but I had forgotten all the basics of movement.

I had barely taken one step towards her when I found myself being lifted up into the air.

I didn't realize what had happened for a moment, but once I adjusted I realized that somebody had come from the side, picking me up with ease but not grace. I inhaled the familiar scent of Sirius, and I wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could manage, wrapping my legs around his waist, burying my face in his neck.

I was bleeding, I was in pain, I was covered in ash. Sirius hugged me tighter still, in the middle of this room full of people. He kissed me where he could reach—the bruises on my shoulder, the nape of my neck, the ends of my singed hair. Only when I felt his shoulders shaking beneath me did I realize he was crying.

I had felt like a zombie until this moment, a detached being watching the world's more horrible play. I was still to shell shocked to soak in the tenderness of the moment, but my heart had begun pounding in my ears, I was starting to catch my breath again. I was feeling something.

I still couldn't speak, but I wouldn't have protested anyway as Sirius carried me in his arms up the staircase to the boys dormitory.

I sat motionless on his bed, feeling detached again now that he had stepped away. He moved quickly like he knew what he was doing, but I saw how badly his hands were shaking.

Sirius paced the room a few times, breathing deeply, jostling his shoulders like he was a bee trapped in a bottle. With a sudden deafening clatter, he let his fist fly into the wooden bedroom door, splintering the top layer of wood.

The noise from the punch terrified me, but I still felt trapped under the surface of myself, too far away to react. Having gotten his aggression out, Sirius then returned his attention to me.

Gingerly, he reached out for my hands and pulled me to my feet, leading me across the circular room and through a side door, the bathroom. He leaned into the shower stall and turned on the water, but he never let go of my hand. This was what holding Sirius's hand felt like? It wasn't claustrophobic like other times my hand had been in a boy's. His fingers locked around mine protectively, and his callouses felt strangely comforting. I knew this hand. My own felt so small when it was swallowed up in his.

I heard the water splashing against the stone floor of the square shower stall, and then Sirius's voice.

"Tell me if you want me to stop at any point," his voice was soft and close, and I looked him in the eye. Grey had never been such a warm color before. His hands found the hemline of my shirt, and he pulled it upward, gently, like he was afraid I would break.

There were scars forming on my stomach I hadn't seen yet, and he bent down and kissed them before coming back to my level and pulling the shirt the rest of the way over my head. He undressed the rest of me that way, kissing any part of me that made my lip tremble when I saw it.

So gently that I felt I was gliding, he took my hand again and led me into the shower, not bothering to take off his own clothes. I had never in my life been undressed with a boy and had it not be sexual, and I don't think he knew what he was doing either, but it seemed like he did as he positioned me under the lukewarm stream of water. He rubbed soap between his hands and sailed them over me, gaining confidence as he went.

Blood and dirt and ash swirled together at our feet and disappeared down the drain. I don't know how long we were in the shower for, but I do remember the precise moment I began to feel like a human again.

I could feel my hair falling back into place. The cut on my forehead had stopped bleeding. Bruises were still blooming all over my skin, but my bones no longer screamed from the impact of the water on my skin.

I looked down at myself in horror; I looked like a patchwork quilt of a person, with my new scars and burns and bruises. I knew much of that would fade with time but for now I felt like a monster. Sirius was looking too; I could feel his eyes scanning my arms, my feet, the curve where my hips because my waist. He took his hand and placed it firmly under my chin, tilting my face so that it was fighting the water to look up at him.

"You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, Marlene." And he meant it, and I knew that. I collapsed onto his chest and finally started to cry.

That night, after Sirius had helped me dry off and dressed me for bed in one of his shirts, just the way I liked, McGonagall came back and made me go with her to the hospital wing for observation.

Sirius protested and I insisted I wanted to sleep in my own bed (or his bed, but she didn't need to know that), but they wouldn't let me stay.

I thought I would never get to sleep that night, but a healer gave me a dose of something strong and I passed out before I could figure out what it tasted like.


	7. Five Weeks Later

I awoke with a violent start when I realized somebody was standing over me.

"Lily, you're smothering me," I mumbled, letting my head fall back into the pillow, muffling my complaint.

"I'm just making sure you're alive, it's way past the time you needed to wake up for class," Lily retorted with a huff. I felt bad for being so rude when she was only trying to look out for me, but her mother-dearest act had gotten old fast.

October had since ended, and November had come roaring in without warning. In time, the bruises on my body faded from sight, and so did the heavy weight of the school's atmosphere.

The funerals happened, but I didn't go. I'd heard Colin's parents were on the grounds and I was so sick to my stomach all day that I hadn't left my bed. My own family came to visit, I was told, but in the early days when I was pumped full of medication. They could have been a visiting group of circus performers for all I knew.

But as time passed, one thing was for certain: I finally felt like Marlene McKinnon again.

Whatever vulnerable, broken shell of myself was exposed on the day of the explosion had long since shrunk back inside of me (and I hoped it would stay there; you have no idea how horrifying it is to allow someone to see you that way).

"I don't want to go to class today," I whined, rolling over and checking the time on the large clock beside my bed. Shit, I really was going to be late.

"I think you've missed enough already," Lily said, but gentler now. Everybody else had already gone down to breakfast but she stayed with me, sitting on the edge of my bed. Ever since the fire, she didn't like to leave me alone even for a moment when she could help it. Which was a sweet sentiment, but it didn't make things with Sirius any easier.

"I saw Sirius last night, while you were studying," Lily said, as if she could read my mind. "He was with Lucy." _Ohhhh this again. _

"Of course he was." I tried to sound casual, but I really didn't want to discuss this with her right now. Lily, sensitive though she may be to my medical needs, continued to push the topic, completely disregarding how badly I didn't want this brought up.

"I heard a rumor that Lucy is short for Lucifer," said Lily with a lofty huff, shaking her red hair out and looking at herself in the mirror while I pulled my robes on.

"Is this a rumor _you _started?" I teased, and she laughed in return although she never denied it. "Lucy's a cute kid," I insisted with a shrug. "I'm glad they're happy together."

"She's a child," sighed Lily sadly. This was relatively true; her name was Lucy Childs and she was a fifth year Hufflepuff, all wiry blonde curls and a too-loud laugh. "And besides I don't understand what happened with you and Sirius. You were so _close_."

"Too close," I snapped at her, rolling my eyes and running a brush through my hair. "After everything that happened, after he saw me like that...it wasn't the same. Every time he looked at me, it was with these puppy dog eyes like I was this fragile thing. I went after him because he complemented my fundamental Marlene-ness. He stopped, I stopped. We stopped," and then, after a pause during which she was about to start cooing over what she assumed to be my hurt feelings. "It's not a big deal. We never even dated."

"Never even dated," Lily scoffed. "Honestly, I don't know what's wrong with that boy sometimes."

I found myself smiling at my reflection in the mirror as I applied the last of my makeup.

* * *

By the time lunch rolled around, I was ravenous. I had missed breakfast that morning in order to make it to Trasfiguration on time, and as a result my stomach had waged war on me all day long.

I practically flung myself down into our usual spot at the long house table and began filling my plate immediately. I was the last to arrive, and I didn't bother with hellos.

"Good afternoon, Marlene," James said sarcastically. "Nice to see you as well! I'm doing fine thanks for asking.

My retort was muffled by the food in my mouth and he half-laughed something that sounded like _Ladylike. _

I felt a kick under the table and I smiled inwardly.

"Who's willing to let me copy their moon chart?" I said when I had finally swallowed; by the way Lily sucked in air next to me you'd have thought I'd asked who would like to help me commit a murder.

"I've got mine," Sirius said brightly, digging around in his bag for it.

"You're brilliant," I sighed, taking it from his hands and beginning to duplicate it onto a slightly ripped piece of parchment I'd found tucked between my books at the last moment.

I felt everyone at the table scanning the two of us intensely, watching for signs and reactions. Honestly, it was maddening. There is nothing I hate more than people butting into my business. It was going to drive me up a wall.

"How's Lucy?" I asked him, without looking up, just to throw a wrench into the conversation. Lily was positively hanging on every word. Good, let her.

"Brilliant," he said casually, echoing my sentiment from before. "She's different, that one. I'm thinking it could go somewhere serious."

"I wouldn't count on that," I said automatically. Inside my head, I was beating myself up like a house elf when it's misspoken. On the outside, however, I remained calm even though I knew I'd set him up for an uncomfortable loss of words.

"Actually, every relationship I'm in goes somewhere serious...because I'm such a Sirius person! Get it?"

The girls and Remus gave a polite laugh, but James and Peter (who evidentially never got tired of this pun) almost squirted pumpkin juice from their noses. A nice distraction, at least.

I gave Sirius a slight smile before returning to my chart.

After we'd all eaten, Lily jumped up and grabbed my shoulder bag away from me, announcing that she would walk me to class. I kicked her by accident when I stood up and my apology was anything but heartfelt (not even a moment alone, could you imagine?).

We made our way through the winding corridors, chatting brightly about the ins and outs of our classmates lives. I never would have guessed it when Lily first got the position, but being Head Girl gave her more gossip than I ever could have dreamed of knowing. And I ran in some pretty shady circles from time to time, mind you.

Lily finally left me at the door to my classroom, Advanced Arithmancy, which was a pain in the butt to study for, but looked great on a transcript. Especially when you were tutoring yourself out of the book, like I had been for a few weeks now.

As soon as I saw the last swish of red hair disappear around the corning and the hallway was empty, I backed slowly out of the classroom doorway and began to step away as quietly as possible.

A feat that was not easily achieved when I was startled by a pair of hands grabbing my suddenly around the mouth and eyes.

I was dragged backwards, chest rising and falling quickly as I struggled to catch my breath through my nose, and through the door of the nearest broom cupboard.

Once the door to the narrow closet was shut tightly, I began to calm down.

"You nearly gave me a heart attack," I hissed, crossing my arms and staring my captor in the face. Sirius stared back, a goofy, lopsided grin taking up the lower half of his face.

"Well, we don't have that much time!" he retorted, lowing his voice to a ridiculous stage whisper. "I thought excitement was the whole reason for this whole elaborate scheme."

_It's not a scheme,_ I wanted to fire back at him, but his lips found my neck as his hand found the pull-chain for the uncovered lightbulb above us. The tiny room was plunged into pitch darkness, and I felt him gently press me into the shelf of cleaning supplies behind me.

Excitement, yes. This arrangement definitely worked in that department. But it was so much more than that.

The day I was released from the hospital wing, Sirius had kissed me on the top of my head at breakfast. Odd behavior, yes, but forgivable.

But then he'd tried to hold my hand in the hallway.

I remember that more vividly that anything; the way our hands bumped awkwardly against each other, fingers trying to find a niche that didn't make either of us wince, trying to ignore the pointed looks we were getting from others who passed by. He swears I was just imagining them, but who can tell for sure?

It wasn't that I didn't like holding hands with Sirius.

I did it in my sleep, when I crept into his dormitory for just a few hours by his side, in that awkward and maddeningly tiring pocket of the evening when it was safe to enter and leave without getting caught by the other Marauders.

I did it down in the Black Forest, when I led him by the hand and ran ahead, weaving him through trees and under vines until we found the perfect spot to sit, undisturbed, for a few hours of just small talk.

Yes, I rather liked holding hands with Sirius Black.

But the only thing Lily had said when I'd tried to bring it up was _Fingers laced, or cupped? _Aggravated looks from his ex-flings in the hallways. Taunts from James about how we'd soon be an old married couple.

I panicked, I admit it. I felt constricted, overstretched, and unappreciative of what we were becoming.

_Every girl in the castle wants him, _Dorcas had sing-songed dreamily. That may be true, but me and them were after a very different Sirius Black.

I told him everything, and he had tried to understand. My irrational fear that we'd get bored of each other, the way I felt like I was going to implode when Lily started analyzing what the tone he'd said "hello" in _really _meant, the way I was now expected to watch my behavior at all times in case I accidentally flirted with a passing acquaintance.

I didn't like it. I wanted out, but I didn't want to lose him.

And he had understood.

_"I want this." _I'd said to him, trying so hard to put the constrictive tightening around my esophagus into words. "_But I want it properly. I want it to grow on its own- without other people getting involved, without you having to sit around and wonder if one day I'll finally wake up and feel the same as you. It's too much pressure. I'm getting too old to just do whatever I want. It's destructive." _

And he had laughed, and shrugged, and asked Lucy Childs if she would mind very much providing a cover for us once in a while. Apparently, she'd done the same for a sixth year Ravenclaw when he got into a bit of a sticky situation with his best mate's ex-girlfriend. It all fell into place quite naturally.

"You're a million miles away," Sirius whispered in a hoarse voice, jerking me back to reality. "What're you thinking about, Mar?"

I answered him by fumbling for his belt buckle in the darkness, and he didn't dare ask another question.


	8. New Territory

I ran across the icy lawn between the castle and the Owlery, cheeks going pink and ears stinging from the cold as I listened to the satisfying crunch of the grass beneath me. I hugged a box to my chest protectively as I jogged, trying not to rip the wrapping paper with my shaking hands.

I was wearing a thick scarf and a ridiculous knitted hat with earflaps that Dorcas had given me last Christmas but my teeth still chattered as I charged through the grounds, missing summer more every day. There were only so many thick blankets I could pile on my bed before enough was enough.

The owlery was empty; even the birds had flown up as high as possible in order to avoid the cross-breezes that zigzagged through the windows. I looked around for a willing volunteer, but the owls did not acknowledge my entrance. The most they did was ruffle their wings in annoyance and avert their eyes.

Frustrated, I lifted my package into the air, waving it above my head wildly (screw the wrapping paper at this point), hopping up and down both out of impatience and the frostbite I was sure I would catch if I didn't leave soon.

"Bloody good for nothing birds," I huffed, shaking my parcel at them a few more times before crossing my arms and pouting.

I rested the box gently on the ground until I could figure out a better plan. This needed to be mailed today.

"How's that tactic working out for you?" Came a boy's voice from behind me and I jumped, instinctively grabbing for my wand and whirling around.

As I faced the newcomer, however, I didn't see any threat.

Leaning casually against the frame of the arched stone entrance was a boy a little younger than me, with soft features but a strong jawline, and dark hair that fell gracefully into his...wait a minute. There was only one person this could be.

"It's not my fault the birds don't want to work," I said crossly, still trying to look casual as I studied his face and crossed my arms tighter over my chest defensively, trying to figure out if he really was who I suspected.

"Let me try," the boy offered, outstretching his hand and taking a step toward me. Instinctively, I took a hesitant step back.

"I think I've got it under control," I said slowly, letting my eyes scan the upper perches of the turret, willing any owl to fly down to me.

The stranger gave me a half-amused look and a raise of his eyebrow, and I saw his eyes land on the package at my feet.

"Deliver to Mr. Sirius Black," he read out loud, his voice taking on a rough edge that might have been disgust but ebbed into realization by the end. "Gryffindor house, Hogwarts School…you know, I'm thinking you don't need to mail something to get it across the common room."

"Excuse me, but _I'm_ thinking it's a crime to read another person's mail," I snapped, using my foot to push the package protectively behind me. "It's a birthday gift, a little special delivery never hurt anyone."

"Right, it's his birthday tomorrow, isn't it?" his voice softened significantly, and he looked almost embarrassed to have forgotten.

"You would know, wouldn't you?" I fired back quickly, not missing a beat. I felt an unattached anger bubbling up inside of me, even though I knew this had nothing to do with me. "Being his brother and all."

The look on his face -surprise, maybe, but he looked vaguely impressed- told me that I had been right.

"There's no return address," the boy pointed out, completely indifferent to my change in attitude and disregarding my brother comment altogether.

"He'll know who it's from," I tried to sound snarky but it came out as more of a mumble. Family affairs had always been and still were a very roped off area when it came to Sirius, and I wasn't comfortable inserting myself into this part of his life at all, let alone unprepared.

"Of course," Regulus said, with what I suppose was meant to be a laugh but got caught somewhere deep in his throat. "The infamous Marlene. He's talked about you, you know. At the end of last term, before he left home."

There was something in his voice that I couldn't describe, and I could no longer tell whether he was mocking me or trying to build a bridge between us. My mind flashed automatically to the way Sirius's eyes sunk in when his family was mentioned, to that night I had found him lying on his bed alone and miserable because of them. Suddenly I didn't care much at all what Regulus's intentions were- I didn't want to play any part in this family drama.

"Really?" I replied coldly, bending down and taking the birthday present back up into my arms and hugging it to my chest protectively. "He's never talked about you."

He didn't set his jaw fast enough and I could see for a brief second that my words had stung, but I pushed past him anyway and started down the spiraling stone steps, back to the frozen lawn below. What were a few hurt feelings? He'd made it personal.

I knew Regulus hadn't really done anything to provoke me, but I felt the bubble of uncomfortable anger rising higher still in my chest. In that moment, I hated this boy who I'd just met.

I hated him because I'd seen Sirius when he thought I wasn't paying attention; I'd seen the bags under his eyes purpled a little more every time he'd had to visit home, and I felt him turning restlessly next to me at night when he revisited his childhood in his dreams.

And even though I didn't have any stake in this situation, and it wasn't my battle to fight, I had to bite my lip to push down the anger as I made a beeline for solid ground.

"You're making the right call, you know," Regulus called after me, his voice icier than the lawn as I finally reached it. "I wouldn't want to be seen in public with that pathetic scumbag either. But tell the birthday boy hello from me, won't you?"

I refused to respond to his petty insult, but I stopped short at the base of the staircase, slowly turning to face him at the top, eyes squinting in a battle with the blazing winter sun. The look of disgust was back on his face, and something else was, too…anger, or maybe pain, but it was clear he was trying to look menacing. When he saw he had my attention, he added:

"Watch your back, McKinnon. Keeping the wrong company can cost you."

It was a threat, but it made me angrier than it did intimidated.

"I saw you," I said, after a brief pause, keeping my voice quiet but strong. "I saw you in the library that night."

It was a bluff, but the look of fear I saw flit across his face as I turned and headed back toward the castle made the gamble entirely worth it.

* * *

Sirius's seventeenth birthday fell on the last Saturday of the term, at the closing end of November when everyone is overstressed and in desperate need of a party.

Last year, more than half of Gryffindor house had helped him celebrate his big day out on the Quidditch pitch, tipping back stolen bottles of Firewhiskey in the moonlight.

This year, however, because of the weather we were forced to become a little more creative.

Out of all people, it had been Remus who came to the rescue. He'd had the good sense to put an impressive set of enlarging and silencing charms on the one place where Sirius had spent more time than any during his undergraduate years: the detention hall.

I was one of the last ones to arrive at the celebration, and by the time I showed up even Dorcas was drunk, giggling and clinging to Remus's arm for support.

Lily and James each greeted me with a drink and a hug, and I downed both of them quickly, eager to catch up to the rest of the crowd.

We toasted to Sirius. We toasted to Gryffindor. Eventually we toasted to nothing at all, holding our glasses high in the air and applauding for speeches that never came, draining our glasses with more fervor than necessary.

Before I knew it, the clock was trying to convince me it was past three in the morning, but that couldn't be possible…could it?

Though the party was in still in full swing, I heard a stumble from behind me and a pair of hands snaked around my waist, pulling me backwards.

"Let's go upstairs," Sirius said directly into my ear, slurring his words slightly. I was about to whine about not wanting to miss the end of the party, but he planted his lip at the back of my neck where my jewelry clasped, and I couldn't find it in me to disagree with him. "Nobody's paying attention to us," he added, reading my mind as I scanned the crowded room for anyone who might have seen his display of affection.

Without another word, I nodded and allowed him to guide me out of the room and then, stumbling and laughing wildly, we found our way up to the tower together.

The dormitory was dark when we stumbled through the doorway, and his lips found mine before he could even swing the door shut. He guided me over to the bed, rough hands gripping my hips with more urgency than usual. He pushed me down into a sitting position on the mattress, but before he could shift his weight and pin me down, I stopped him.

"Wait, wait!" My voice was entirely too loud as I broke away from him. "I have a birthday gift for you!"

"I thought _this _was my birthday gift," he murmured in a hoarse voice, pressing his lips to my neck and sending a spiky wave of chills down my spine.

"No, it's better!" I insisted, tucking my knees in and climbing under his arm in order to disentangle myself from him. I hopped down onto the floorboards, head still spinning a little from the alcohol, and retrieved my now-haphazard looking gift from the afternoon previous. I handed him the box with a grand flourish. "Go, go go! Open it."

Sirius's eyes traveled the length between my exposed collarbone and the short hem of my dress before he exhaled through his teeth and acquiesced to my request, tearing the thin layer of wrapping paper off in one dramatic motion and tossing the lid of the box to the floor.

If he was annoyed that I'd stopped him, all traces of it disappeared from his face in an instant. He lowered his hands into the box and pulled my gift out- a now-framed photograph of me and him from a party at the end of last term.

In the frame, our cheeks were pushed close together; the tinier version of him was taking swig after swig from a bottle of Firewhiskey as I pushed him gently on the arm, laughing loudly and rolling my eyes.

"I don't even remember this picture, how did you…" he trailed off as a smile formed on his face, tilting his head to the side as he watched our tiny photographic selves bully each other playfully.

"I have my ways," I said with a smirk and a modest little shrug. Truth be told, I'd had to cut Remus and Emmeline out of the photo in order to get it the way it was now. So sue me, nobody had to know.

"This was the night we…" he didn't need to finish his sentence as he raised his eyes to meet mine, still smiling even though he was shaking his head at me. "I don't think I'll ever understand how your mind works."

"Good," I teased, taking the frame out of his hands and placing it carefully into the top drawer of his bedside table. "That's the way I like it."

His eyes returned to their path from earlier, traveling down the contours of my legs.

"Are we done with gifts now?" he asked hopefully, holding out a hand to pull me closer.

"Almost," I promised with a wink, tucking my hands behind me and reaching for the zipper of my dress. "One more thing."

My dress hit the floor in one fluid motion, and I bit my lip to keep from smiling as I saw his eyes go round, taking in the black lace that now occupied its place.

He rose to his feet and pulled me in roughly by my shoulders, lips colliding with mine like a firework explosion. I guided my hands under the hemline of his shirt, pushing it up over his chest and leaning into him, inhaling his familiar scent. His arms went skyward and his shirt had barely reached the floor before I was pushing his jeans to the floor.

I felt his arms encircle me all at once, and before I was fully aware of what was happening he'd lifted me up and dropped me beneath him on the bed. I ran my nails down his back, sighing openly as I felt his lips cross my collarbone, his long hair messy and tickling my face as it brushed over me.

And then, out of nowhere, Regulus crossed my mind.

_"I wouldn't want to be seen in public with that pathetic scumbag either."_

If I reacted to this sudden train of thought, Sirius took no notice; he was otherwise occupied biting my neck, running his fingers down the length of my ribcage.

"Stop!" I said suddenly, knocking his hand away with such little warning that he lost his balance and nearly collapsed on top of me. Startled, he didn't even protest; he just pulled his face farther away from mine and scanned my face for clues.

"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" his voice was sincere, alarmed, and the same feeling from earlier rushed to the surface. I finally realized it for what it was: guilt.

"No, of course not," I saw slowly, furrowing my brow and trying to make sense of the situation. I felt like I was seeing him for the first time, rolling onto his side next to me so that I had room to breathe. That was what he was always doing, wasn't it? Giving me room to breathe.

For the first time I looked him over and didn't see his wide shoulders or the muscles running through his arms or the way a stray moonbeam lit up his dark hair.

Instead, I saw his eyes: wide and earnest, concerned and waiting to hear what I had to say. I saw his hand reaching for me instinctively, resting on the crook of my elbow as a sign of support.

I wanted to say something incredibly poetic, something that would really stick with him for months to come.

Instead, I got nervous and gracelessly blurted out: "I'm not embarrassed to be seen with you in public."

"Oh," was all he said, taken aback and color flooding to his face; mine felt equally as hot as I turned my eyes to my thumb nail, picking at it, embarrassed. I waited for the sarcastic quip that usually followed, but he didn't seem to have one.

"I just don't want you to think that's why I don't want t-"

"Well, what else am I supposed to think?" he cut me off suddenly, sounding embarrassed. Neither of us was used to having a conversation like this, and it was evident as we sat there in stale silence, watching the other to see who would speak next.

"Why would you think that?" I asked finally, swallowing a lump in my throat and losing our game of chicken. It was apparent that Sirius was uncomfortable; he lowered his eyes to the bedspread and began tracing the pattern instead of meeting my gaze.

"I don't know," he started lamely, wriggling his shoulders and shooting his eyebrows upward. I immediately regretted pushing him to open up; now it was uncomfortable for both of us. "I guess that…when I was a kid, nobody was ever proud of me. And now….I mean, I know what I am. I fucked around this place for seven years, led on girls, shrugged off schoolwork…I don't have anything going for me."

"That's not-" I tried to cut in, but he silenced me with a pained expression.

"No, hang on…I want to try to get this out. I admit it. I don't know how to hold your hand without looking uncomfortable. I don't know what kind of flowers to buy or where to take you for dinner. I want to, but I don't know how. I never learned that. But this is the first time in my life that I want to _try _to do those things, and you won't even let me. Call yourself whatever you want- my friend, my girlfriend, my classmate...fuck, call yourself my pet fish for all I care. Whatever word you want to put on this thing we have here...you're the only girl I've ever been with that I actually respect."

I stayed silent as he continued on, even trying to breathe quietly so that I wouldn't interrupt him.

"Any time I've been with a girl before, it was for me. The pretty ones, the funny ones, the quiet ones...I was in it for myself. It was a self-esteem boost, I guess, being wanted. But look…"

He held a hand up as if he were about to put on a vital demonstration and then, still evidently drunk judging by the way his head fell a little too far, just flicked his dark hair out of his eyes and shot an uncoordinated wink in my direction.

"Merlin, you look stupid," I muttered, curling onto my side like a cat and resting my head on the cold pillow.

"YES!" he boomed, so loudly and with such vigor that my heart nearly restarted itself. He flopped down into a laying position as well, keeping his bloodshot eyes level to mine as he explained. "You tell me when I look stupid," he insisted, poking me in the side with his index finger. "You do that, and you're not afraid to, and it doesn't hurt my feelings."

I smiled in spite of myself.

"I didn't know I could feel real things for a person," he said solemnly, the air getting heavy with seriousness again. "I spent so long being selfish, and angry, and sad. But I have feelings for you- don't make that face at me, I know what you think about it." I had wrinkled my nose up in mock-disgust; I'm quite the charmer really.

"I don't know what I'm feeling," he gestured vaguely to his chest region; I guess he was looking for his heart. "But you make me feel Not-Angry and Not-Sad for the first time I can remember. And so I just thought that's something you really needed to hear."

"But if I say it back," I started, my voice shaking a little more than I hoped it would. "Then it becomes real."

"So it becomes real," he countered quietly, finally looking me in the eye again. "Is that really so terrible?"

"I just…" I trailed off. I really didn't know what the blocked feeling in my throat was, but I knew it was terrifying. "My parents used to be crazy in love. And now they hate each other. I don't want…if things between us get serious –actually serious, not whatever ignore-it-it'll-go-away dance we're doing now- and I were to hurt you, or get bored, or…vice versa," I said that last part after much hesitation, because I knew. If anyone was going to be the one causing pain here, it would be me, not the other way around. "I don't think I can handle that."

"Look," he said with a lengthy sigh, reaching up and ruffling my hair. "I'll hide out, I'll keep this charade up, I will do _whatever ridiculous things_ I have to do to make you feel comfortable so that you don't bolt. I'm not asking you for anything. But I could never hate you, and I don't think you would ever hurt me intentionally. Yes or no?"

"Yes," I mumbled, feeling my cheeks flush red again.

This was not the Sirius Black I signed up for, but I felt strangely at ease here, out of my comfort zone.

"Right. So I don't care if I have to sneak around with you until graduation, or even beyond. I know you hate this cheesy talk, and Merlin knows so do I, but I'm not going to let you sit there and think you're some pariah. We might not know how to hold hands when we walk down the street together, but you're the only one who's ever done it without ducking her head. That means something to me. Okay?"

"Okay," I whispered, chewing the inside of my cheek and trying to soak in everything he'd just told me. And then, awkwardly, I added: "Thank you, you know, for…being you, I guess. For understanding."

"Don't mention it," he teased with a wink, his goofy grin splitting wide across his face again.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Hi, all! I just wanted to take a moment here to truly thank everyone who's read either this story or my other one.

Don't get scared: this isn't the last chapter or a goodbye note or anything, and no, I'm not here to hit you up for reviews.

I just wanted to say that the fact that you've taken time out of your day to read these honestly means the world to me, and I just wanted to make sure you know how appreciated it is. You're all wonderful people.

Cheers!


	9. Close Encounters

I woke up to the sensation of someone poking me squarely on the nose.

My body resisted; the bed was toasty warm and I was in the middle of a lovely dream about flying off to Paris on my broomstick, baking in the summer sunshine. I wasn't ready to wake up yet; it was the deepest I'd slept in weeks.

At first, my eyes stubbornly drifted in and out of focus, urging me to bury my face deeper into my pillow and go back to sleep. My pillow that was much too warm and…covered in hair?

I was suddenly wide awake, eyes flying open to realize that I wasn't in my bed after all; I had fallen asleep squarely on Sirius's chest.

Sirius, who had woken up before me for the first time since the _first _time was presumably trapped under the dead weight of my body, was watching me with an amused expression on his face as he extended his index finger toward me again, making contact with my nose in the same fashion he'd woken me up in.

"Oh, good," he sighed, faking immense relief. "When I woke up and you were still here I thought you might have died in your sleep or something."

"I didn't do it on purpose," I stifled a yawn while I spoke, sitting up and running a hand through my tangled hair, shivering now that I was no longer soaking in his body heat. He looked positively giddy.

"You look ridiculous when you're asleep," he teased, sitting up straight and using the headboard as back support, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "Your nose twitches around." I narrowed my eyes at him.

"You're an abomination," I snapped, but I picked up a corner of the blanket and slid under it, tucking it under my legs like the wall of a cocoon. "I'm trying to _compromise _for you."

My mind drifted back to the night before, and all the things he'd told me. (Well, most of the things. The serious mood may have made me feel sobered up, but the headache dancing between my temples right now was telling me otherwise.)

"I don't think oversleeping is the same as compromising," he pointed out, but the bemused look on his face told me he was glad I was there. "If you really wanted to take a step in the right direction you wouldn't have passed out last night."

"I always fall asleep after we have sex," I defended myself, letting my eyes shut again as I lay my head on his shoulder.

"After?!"he laughed, a loud bark of a noise. "_After_, Marlene?"

The full memory hit me all at once and I winced, squeezing my eyes shut tighter as if that would change the past. I remembered his emotional rambling fine and well, and I remembered rolling on top of him, kissing a slow line down his chest and then…

Oh. It was the exact same spot I'd woken up in. My face went red.

"No, no, don't worry about it," he continued on, waving his hand around and smirking. "An awkward conversation was a perfect birthday gift, all on its own."

"You're the one that _basically _told me you're falling for me, so I don't think I should be the one who's on trial here," I said with an eye roll and a smile.

I had meant to be teasing him back, but he didn't laugh.

"You know...I just might be," he said after a minute of thought, raising an eyebrow as he looked down at me, gauging for a reaction.

"Gross," was all I could think to say back, and then the laugh from his side of the bed finally came, contagious and too-loud. "It's not my fault I'm so irresistible."

"You drooled on my chest last night," Sirius said with a snort, pushing his shoulder into mine. "I think I'm capable of resisting you after that."

"You're powerless against my charms," I scoffed, sitting up and crawling over to the far edge of the bed, dramatically snapping my bra strap and letting it fall to the side, pouting my lips into a ridiculously over-the-top seductive pose.

"You look like you're about to _sneeze_, Marlene," said Sirius with a smirk, but his eyes never tore away from my bare shoulder.

"Fine, have it your way, Mr. Self Control," I sighed, sliding off the bed and making contact with the chilled wood floor. I crossed the room to the open bathroom door, stopping in the doorway to toss him a playful wink. "I can use your shower, right?"

"You're playing with fire," he warned, instinctively pulling back the covers and swinging his legs over the side of the bed to follow me.

"What happened to your ace resistance?" I feigned shock, clapping a hand to my chest as I watched him drawing closer, taking exaggerated steps across the little room. "Stay back, think of the drool!"

I barely had time to react before he ran toward me, picking me up and carrying me over the threshold into the tiled bathroom without missing a beat. I shrieked and messed up his hair in revenge; he somehow managed to tickle me until tears rolled out of the corners of my eyes while turning the shower on.

I wrapped my legs around his waist to brace myself against the spray of warm water that was cascading into my eyes and making my wavy hair fall straight and flat down my back. His lips met mine as he slid the shower curtain closed in one swift motion.

Sirius pushed me against the tiles of the shower stall, the cold wall causing goosebumps to spring up all down my thighs and arms. He began slowly sliding his hands up my torso as he helped me touch down into a standing position, blowing a raspberry into my cheek and splashing water into my eyes. I shrieked again, trying unsuccessfully to slap the stream of water in his direction.

"You're such a child," he laughed, shaking his hair in all directions like a shaggy dog after a bath. When he kissed me again, I could feel the smile still on his face.

Eventually, the silly air faded into heat, and his lips moved against mine with increasing urgency. My heart pounded against my rib cage and I ran my hands through his wet hair, bringing his face even closer to mine. He pushed his hips against mine in a steady pattern and I let out a content noise as his hands found the back clip of my bra, fumbling less than usual before he let it fall to the shower floor with a dull flop.

Eyes closed, I smiled in spite of myself as his lips took their usual path: the tip of my nose and the freckles dancing across it, my earlobe in the spot that made me squirm, the base of neck in the place that instinctively made me wrap my arms around him and pull him in as close as I could.

"Should we?" I asked into his ear, giving it a playful bite.

"You _did _promise me an additional birthday gift, Miss McKinnon," he replied in a low voice, putting his hands over mine and placing them on his hips. I found the waistband of his boxers, snapping it against his skin before I pushed them down.

He kissed me harder now, starting at my shoulders and then running his nails down my arms, giving my hands a playful squeeze before resting his familiar, calloused hands on my hips.

"Okay, you win," he growled softly, running his teeth over my lower lip between kisses. "You are irresistible." He slid his thumbs under the waistband of my underwear, breathing hard as he guided them to the tiled floor with the rest of our clothes.

A small sound escaped me as I felt him push his hips against mine again.

And that was when we heard the unmistakable sounds of James Potter entering the dormitory.

"Oy, Padfoot!" James shouted, letting the door to the bedroom fly open and clatter against the back wall. "You up yet?"

"I'm in the shower," Sirius shouted back through the open bathroom door after a moment of hesitation. He had to clap a hand over my mouth to keep me from laughing out loud and we froze in place, pinned up against the shower wall with our faces close together, sharing eye contact that was half apprehensive and half hysterical laughter waiting to happen.

"What do we do?" I hissed at him, looking with panic at my shower-soaked undergarments on the floor; even if they were dry I wouldn't be able to walk around in them.

"He'll leave," Sirius tried to assure me in a whisper, but bedsprings indicated that James had flopped onto his bed as he continued to shout.

"What was with you cutting out early last night?" James demanded jokingly. "We tried to find you 'round five but you were already in bed when we got back."

"Uh," Sirius stuttered, looking to me for help; I had dissolved into silent giggles, utterly useless. "I was just...tired I suppose."

"I know that tone!" James fired back with surprising speed and accuracy. When he spoke again, his voice was closer; he had to have been standing in the doorway to the bathroom now. Boys have no boundaries, honestly. "You had a girl here last night didn't you? Finally round things off with Lucy?"

"Lucy?" Sirius asked, sounding genuinely confused. I gave him a pointed look and saw the realization dawn on him after a moment. "Oh, no, we uh...broke up. She got tiring fast."

"What are you doing?" I mouthed at him angrily, but he just smirked back. Prat.

"I think I might try my luck with Marlene again," he added gleefully, speaking louder than necessary just to put me through the ringer.

"You don't _have _any luck when it comes to Marlene, mate." James laughed, and I heard the sounds of him crossing the bathroom floor and turning on the sink faucet.

"Never know," Sirius replied, winking at me and pressing his mouth lightly against my cheek, lips cold from the water still splashing down around us. "She's a firecracker."

"Fair point," James agreed, shutting the sink off and grabbing the only towel from the rack and wiping his hands with it (great, so much for that escape plan). "She's a right bitch when she wants to be, but that _body_-"

"Oh my god, do _not _finish that sentence!" I shouted out before I could stop myself, and Sirius erupted into raucous laughter so powerful that he had to double over and fall against the opposite wall of the shower stall in order to hold himself up.

"_Marlene?" _James yelped, his voice going up an octave in surprise. "We have to stop meeting like this." He was trying hard to sound apologetic, but I could hear the sarcastic laughter laced through his tone.

"Get out!" I whined, fighting back a smile of my own as I watched Sirius try and fail to compose himself. "And leave that towel."

"I'm going, I'm _going_," he sighed teasingly. "A little warning would be appreciated in the future."

Mercifully, I heard the sound of his footsteps exiting the bathroom and creaking onto the wood of the bedroom.

"Have you seen Marlene?" Another voice came floating into earshot, and I stopped laughing immediately. _Lily. _"I can't find her anywhere."

"_Actually_, I have a story I think you'll find quite illuminating, Lils." James replied haughtily, speaking entirely louder than necessary. "Come take a walk with me, we probably shouldn't be here right now."

In the distance, the dormitory door swung shut and the only sound left was Sirius's continued bark-like laughs echoing off the tiles of the empty bathroom.


	10. Blacks in Black

The last day of term had always been a hectic affair in the past; students scrambling around the tower, desperate to scrape the last of their things together before they boarded the train to go home for the holidays. This year, however, with the threat of war looming, many parents had written to their children asking them to stay within the safety of the castle walls for the few weeks we had off- mine were no exception.

In fact, the only people I _did _know who were leaving were Lily, who was going to spend Christmas with her family at home, and James, who was going to collect her the day after Christmas in order to introduce her to _his_ family over New Years. Things between them were getting serious much faster than I ever could have imagined, but I had scarcely seen two people to just be near each other.

The evening before the train was set to depart, I spent time in the boys' dormitory, sitting cross-legged on James's bed. A haphazard pile of various necessities lay scattered around me and I was tossing them one by one to Lily, who was kneeling on the floor at the mouth of James's open trunk, staring in both wonder and frustration as she tried to make everything fit.

James and Sirius were, predictably, spending this time lounging on the beds _not _covered in James's belongings, tossing a small ball back and forth between them.

"I don't understand how one person can need so much stuff," Lily huffed, catching a shirt that I passed down to her and trying to squeeze it in between a pair of books. "Honestly, it's not like anyone's going to rob you while you're away."

"I just like to be prepared for all possible scenarios," said James defensively. "You're the one that offered to help me pack; I didn't force you into this."

"_Help_ was the key word in my offer," Lily reminded him with a pointed look. "I still have my own things to finalize as well."

"So go pack your things," James said with a moan; they'd been bickering lightly back and forth all day, and I could tell it was taking a toll on him. He lifted a hand to rumple his already-disorderly hair and tossed the ball back to Sirius. "I can manage to do the rest; I don't want to hold you up."

"You can manage to do the rest, or you're going to bully Marlene into doing the rest when I leave?" Lily's quipped suspiciously.

"I'm pretty sure Marlene can take me in a fight," James laughed with an eye roll, as if I wasn't sitting ten feet away from him. "I wouldn't bully her….much."

"Fine, fine," Lily sighed, rising to her feet and putting a hand on her lower back in pain. She leaned over the open trunk and gave me a long hug. "Are you sleeping over here or up in our room tonight?"

"Here, probably," I confirmed it with a casual look over at Sirius, who shrugged indifferently. I was still amazed at how she had reacted to James's story yesterday…meaning that she barely had reacted at all. I didn't give her enough credit for being low-key when it really counted. "But I'll see you off in the morning before you go home."

"You better," the redhead said with a small smile, squeezing my hand quickly as she pulled away. Her cheerful expression became one of playful chastising as she stopped in the doorway and pointed a finger at her boyfriend. "James, you need to pack."

"Yes, ma'am," James saluted her sharply with a roll of his eyes. He pulled himself grudgingly off the bed, but I saw the two of them exchange an unmistakable wink and a mouthed _I love you_ before Lily had disappeared down the steps.

"You two are too much for me," I said to James when she had gone, wrinkling my freckled nose at him. "You're carrying on like an old married couple."

"Yeah," James said with a nervous cough, crossing the room to me and scooping the haphazard pile of possessions into his arms and dumping them unceremoniously onto the top of the trunk, forcing it shut with much effort. "It's probably…too early to be thinking about that right?"

"Marriage?" I asked, trying not to look as scandalized as I felt. "_Yes_, it's entirely too early. Are you insane?"

"But to be fair, Marlene is probably not the person to go to if you wanted a different answer," Sirius interjected with a laugh, holding out his, beckoning me to join him.

"You're a regular dream-crusher, McKinnon," James said with a sarcastic laugh, but I could see he was a little dejected.

"It's what I do best," I said modestly, climbing into bed with Sirius who was sitting up at the headboard and still tossing the ball from the game of catch from hand to hand as if it were the most engaging thing he'd ever laid eyes on. Tiredly, James stood up and gave his trunk a light kick.

"I'm all done here, I'm going to see what Moony and Wormtail are doing down in the common room," James said, giving the room a last cursory look to ensure nothing was visibly left behind. And then from the doorway, he added: "I'm going to leave this door open. Stay away from the shower, we all use that." He disappeared with a laugh.

No sooner had James gone than a dark, chestnut brown owl showed its face at the window, hooting so suddenly that I was startled.

The large bird pecked at the glass, its beak tapping insistently against the window without pause until Sirius had pulled himself out of bed with an almighty huff and unlatched the pane, swinging it open. The owl took a grand lap around the room, sweeping its wings through the posts of all four beds until finally passing over Sirius's, dropping the letter it carried onto the mattress beside me and then ducking through the window and into the night sky just as suddenly as it had appeared.

"It's for you," I said to him in a shaky voice, even though it was obvious, taking the thin envelope in my hands and reading the front carefully.

It was from the Ministry of Magic, and there was an embossed black seal in the bottom left corner. These were the letters that had been arriving in a steadily increasing stream throughout the year, the ones that signified a death announcement. I handed it to him carefully, as though it would explode between my fingers. "I'm sorry."

It scared me to see the way his face took on a curious expression; it wasn't horrified or upset, but strangely hopeful and lit as if he had been waiting to hear good news for quite some time and it'd just arrived. I didn't know anyone in his family personally, but my father worked with his at the Ministry and if something had happened there during the work day...

"Oh," Sirius said quietly, furrowing his brow as he let the envelope flutter silently to the floor, holding just the actual letter in his hands now. The expression on his face was now consistent with other students I had seen receive them; shock and a quiet desperation for it to not be true. "It's my uncle Alphard. I actually…we were quite close."

"I'm sorry," I repeated, picking quietly at some loose lint on the bedspread because I didn't know how else to handle the situation. "Are you going to go to the funeral?"

"Probably not," he said with a sigh, his voice much quieter than usual as he sunk back down onto the mattress beside me and resumed his place against the headboard, closing his eyes for a long time. "Don't expect I'll be welcomed there too warmly. When is it? I don't want to look at it anymore." Keeping his eyes closed, he handed me the letter without a speck of dramatics or laughter.

"Uh," I scanned the letter top to bottom quickly, skimming over the formal language and looking for a mentioned date and time. "Tomorrow afternoon, in London…what's this here?"

A second piece of paper had been stuck to the back of the first and I took his shrug as permission to pull them apart and read that one as well. It felt oddly personal, reading his mail like this, but strangely comforting in a way I couldn't put my finger on.

"Sirius, you have to go to the funeral. Look here, it's a letter from your uncle's estate. It says he's left you something in his will, and you need to be there to collect it on the day."

Sirius sat up quickly, furrowing his brow as he took the papers from my hands and poured over them with more concentration than I'd seen him ever apply to a textbook. His eyes scanned line after line, searching for a loophole but he didn't appear to find one. With resignation, he sighed again and placed the letter carefully on his bedside table, where the framed photo of us he'd gotten for his birthday now sat as well.

"It says if I don't go, I forfeit it. Do you think that's true?" he asked, as if I knew the first thing about distributing a will.

"If it says it, it's probably true," I said quietly, feeling uncomfortable and trying to be tactful. Sirius was still living at James's, I knew, but he was of age now and a little gold would go a long way to put him in a better situation. "It also says you need a witness to cosign for you. If you want, I could-"

"No," he said flatly, his voice solid and cold. "There is absolutely no way I'm bringing you there. The whole lot of them are foul. I don't want them knowing you exist, much less meet you in person."

"Then why would you talk about me at home?" I asked after a moment of awkward silence, mind flashing back to the conversation I'd had with Regulus in the owlery. It had only been a couple days but it felt years away right now.

"I would _never _talk about you at home," Sirius snapped, suddenly agitated. If this was what bringing up his family did to him, I was suddenly very glad we'd never crossed this bridge. I knew I shouldn't have, but I felt a nagging twinge in my stomach- surely my feelings hadn't been hurt, had they? "That would be like drawing a giant target on your back."

"But your brother said-" I started, confusion nagging at the back of my mind, trying to piece this together.

"When did you talk to my _brother_?" Sirius spat, whirling around to face me with his jaw set in a furious line.

"I mean I didn't, really," I amended quickly, still taken aback by his sudden change in attitude. "I just ran into him the other day at the Owlery; he knew who I was, mentioned you'd brought me up once or twice last summer…" I trailed off, purposefully neglecting the threat he'd delivered and my bluff about the library fire.

"Please tell me you're joking," Sirius was livid now, and I could see the headache forming between his temples. I just shook my head slightly in response. "Well, that's bloody magnificent."

"What are you going on about?"

"He's trying to send me a fucking message, I know it." Sirius was exhaling sharply through his nose, concentrating fixedly on the bedpost in front of him. "I had planned on leaving home for a long time. Believe me, I wasn't working to build any bridges that summer. And no offense, but you weren't exactly a central figure in my life at the time It doesn't add up."

"I'm sure it doesn't-" I started in a small voice.

"Mean anything?" he finished for me, his tone dark and sarcastic. "It means someone's watching me and reporting back, is what it means."

"I'm not worried," I said, voice more confident now, trying to appease him. It didn't work.

"You should be," he snapped, the anger not draining from his face which had gone pale. "You bloody should be, because it's not safe to be-"

"To be what?" It was my turn to cut him off now. "To be in your life? To be at school this year? It's not safe to do anything anymore. You're not drawing a target on my back, I've already got one there. And so do you, and Lily, and James, and Remus, and about a thousand other people right now."

"I'm just trying to look out for you," he snapped, clearly not taking in a word of what I was saying.

"And I'm trying to look out for _you_," I snapped right back at him.

"You're putting yourself in danger," he insisted. "Or at the very least, a long afternoon of uncomfortable nastiness."

"I'm making sure you get whatever it is your uncle wanted you to have," I sighed, putting my hand on top of his as a peace offering. "I can hold my own in danger, and I can definitely handle a little bit of unpleasantness. I do deal with you on a daily basis, you know."

He gave a grudging laugh and the matter was closed.

* * *

"I look bloody ridiculous," Sirius muttered to me through gritted teeth as we walked down a London street. I gave only a stifled laugh in return; to be perfectly honest I was finally feeling the apprehension he'd warned me I should have felt from the start. The belly of the beast was an odd place to be going willingly, and I couldn't keep myself looking blase while also dealing with his wardrobe crisis.

True, his tie was done a little too tightly and it was evident that a significant amount of time had passed since he last wore his suit jacket, but he was handsome as ever as he walked beside me, taking one long stride for every two of mine. I noticed with a twinge of pride that he hadn't bothered to push his hair out of his eyes.

The actual funeral service was nearly over by the time we arrived at the building. It was a foreboding but forgettable square of red bricks sitting at the top of a shrub-lined cement path. Quite less impressive than I'd been picturing, but Sirius had just been relieved to find out the reception would not be taking place at his childhood home, and that was good enough news for me. We paused at the entrance gate, standing shoulder to shoulder, two dark haired statues silently daring the other to move first.

"We can leave," Sirius said suddenly, his voice gruff. "We really don't need-"

"We're going in." I said, solidly. I could do this, at least. I couldn't help much, but I could push him forward when he needed me to. He took a deep breath and started boldly up the path, leaving me to scurry along behind him.

Sirius's confidence seemed to fade out as he reached the thick oak front door and pushed it open. The lobby was dimly lit and paneled with dark wood and crimson carpeting. His feet remained planted solidly on the outside of the threshold, a dark silhouette standing alone in the doorway before I arrived at his side, holding him by the crook of his elbow and stepping inside in one joint motion.

There were only a few people in the lobby when we entered; stately looking men and women with firmly emotionless faces. A witch in the corner had a small black veil that dipped down to cover her eyes, but it was obvious from the moment Sirius walked in that all attention was on him. The air in the room was stuff and, even though a break from the outside cold was usually welcome, much too warm. It felt like suffocating slowly.

A wizard standing at attention by the double doored entrance to another room, presumably where the funeral services would be drawing to a close, opened his mouth as if to say something to Sirius, but no sound came out and he closed it again quickly, the first to avert his gaze. Everyone else remained in an indifferent, stone silence as if they had never seen Sirius before in their lives.

"It must be odd for you," I whispered under my breath after Sirius had pulled me into the far corner of the room, to the base of a rickety wooden staircase where we wouldn't be overheard. "Having strangers milling about your uncle's funeral." That had to be, in my mind, the only logical explanation for the silence he had been greeted with; not even anger was worse than indifference.

"I am related to every single person in this room," he said shortly, leaving it at that.

Just then, the double doors between the ceremony and the lobby swung quietly open, a small group of people making their way out and beginning to mingle in a dignified fashion with the others standing scattered throughout the room. Of this group, Regulus Black was the last to exit, eyes finding Sirius almost immediately, looking as though he had seen a ghost for the first time.

"Wait for me here," Sirius muttered under his breath, pulling himself gently out of my reach. "I have unfinished business to discuss with him,"

But Regulus was already making a beeline for us, a haggard and almost desperate look on his face.

"You shouldn't be here," the younger of the boys started, a bit too loudly, his voice sounding strained. Several people raised there heads in our direction curiously, no doubt waiting for Regulus to throw the first stone that would invite others to say what they pleased. "This is a family-only event."

Was that betrayal I detected in his voice?

"I'm your older brother," Sirius's voice was almost a growl. "You owe me the respect of hearing me out."

"You lost my respect when you left," Regulus replied, sounding both angry and hurt, and then, lowering his voice so that eavesdroppers would be disappointed. "You lost my respect when you left me behind."

Tension hung in the air between them, and suddenly I felt very much like an intruder into a side of Sirius that I never even knew existed. I was trespassing here, in this family dynamic, and Sirius seemed to have a fleeting notion of the same idea.

"We're not doing this here," Sirius sighed, lifting a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, casting a look to the small wooden staircase beside our little group. "Upstairs, Reg. You need to hear me out. Marlene, can you..."

"I'll wait down here," I said helpfully, knowing my face was red and embarrassed. "Keep an eye out for the executer of the will and all." I'd never known it was possible to thank someone with only a look, but Sirius was doing it now, laying praise and gratitude on me with his stormy grey eyes.

The two boys took a cursory look around the lobby and, ensuring the attention was finally off them, turned and disappeared up the staircase together. It struck me suddenly how similar they looked from the back.

I stood there in the corner alone, feeling smaller than I ever had in my life. As I picked at the nail on my thumb, people milled around me, some stiff and formal, some greeting their relatives warmly. Nobody cast another look my way.

I could hear phrases floating down to my from the top landing of the staircase, but all were hissed and fragmented, leaving me to piece the story together on my own.

_"...keep you safe, don't you see? We can take you with us..."_

_"...barking insane, do you know that? I would never betray..."_

_"...don't understand what you're getting into! You never..."_

_"...not my fault you're such a disappointment, don't drag me into..."_

_"...there is a difference between being a disappointment and being a real person..."_

_"...never about that, you don't know what it's been like..."_

It seemed like years before the two emerged again, Regulus streaking past me in a blur of anger I hadn't even heard coming and Sirius moments later, footsteps heavy, looking defeated and frustrated.

"Do you want to..." I trailed off when he didn't even look my way, the unspoken words _talk about it _hanging plainly in the air. He shook his head, almost imperceptibly, watching the retreating back of his brother disappear into the now-growing crowd. The double doors to the hall were propped open now, people milling freely back and forth between them; the service must have been very well-attended, and Sirius seemed relieved by this fact.

"I don't even know why I bothered coming," he sighed, the bags under his eyes growing by the minute. "I'll probably get a handful of sickles and be thrown out on my face."

"You don't know that," I said, reaching carefully for his arm. He jerked out of my grasp as soon as I made contact.

"Not here, Mar. I don't want to draw attention to..." I'd never seen him look so tired. "Please just don't move from this spot, I'm going to pop into the executer's office and try to speed things along. The letter said I needed to speak to him alone first." His eyes darted around the room at an alarmingly jumpy speed, scanning the crowd before every step he took, evidently trying to find the path of least resistance and he rubbed shoulder to shoulder with the people who'd made his life hell.

I was alone again, left to my own devices, lost in a sea of Blacks in black. I knew Sirius had cousins who were still in Hogwarts as well as recently graduated, but none of the faces I saw looked familiar as I scanned the room. Hesitantly, I took steps in the direction of the front door, feeling lightheaded and uncomfortable. I needed to get outside, just needed to...

The burst of fresh, cold air that swirled around me as I exited the building and took a spot on the stone steps outside was nothing short of exhilarating. I inhaled deeply, blinking a few times to adjust to the blazing winter sunshine that blinded me but provided no heat.

I felt relaxed for the first time all day, but that happy illusion was shattered when I heard the sharp, cold voice of a woman coming from behind me, someone who had already been out on the steps.

"Are you lost, dear?" the woman asked sharply, the term of endearment falling through her lips like an icy insult. I turned around to face her and saw a tall woman, past her prime but with the steely reserve of one much younger. Her roving eyes were furious, her skin stretched very thin over her face.

"No, I'll actually be leaving shortly," I said boldly, raising my eyes to meet hers in a reckless gesture, hoping my answer would be sufficient. Evidently, it was not.

"This is an family-only event," the woman pressed on, her lips in a very thin line. I had just heard those words from someone, but who...

"I'm accompanying a member of the family," I said shortly, trying to look more confident that I felt.

"_Which _member of the family?" she asked with eyes that were squinted at the corners, but her nostrils flared. She already knew perfectly well.

"That's neither here nor there," I said in a blase tone, trying to look bored and disinterested, even defiant. Anything but as on-the-spot and panicked and I truly felt.

"So you're the McKinnon girl," she snapped, giving me a disapproving once-over. I meant to deny it but I knew my startled expression had given it away. "I daresay I expected just as much. My husband has the pleasure of working alongside your father at the Ministry, did you know that?" The harsh, threatening tone of her voice made me seriously doubt she'd ever felt pleasure in her life, let alone let the word cross her lips before.

"I'm sorry but who-" I started, even though suspicion and knowing were brewing together at the pit of my stomach. I knew who she was. Desperately, I cast a look over my shoulder at the closed front door. Sirius didn't even know I was out here.

"Such a pretty girl," The woman who had to have been Sirius's mother, Walburga, tutted her tongue as she spoke, as if my looks were an unfortunate accident. In a move that chilled me to my very core, she reached forward suddenly and took my hand in hers as she continued her non-subtle investigation of me. "It's a pity really, such a waste of a bloodline."

I couldn't bring myself to answer her but kept my gaze evenly on her face, anger bubbling through my chest but working hard to keep my face in a steely reserved expression. Her fingers closed tighter around mine, causing pain to ripple up my arm, but I refused to react. I was frozen in place, stunned by her rudeness and unwilling to give her the pleasure of a petty argument. Her voice seemed to get more hysterical and cruel the longer she spoke.

"Listen to me closely," the woman hissed, eyes filling up with disgust. "Whoever brought you with them today is _not _a member of my family. I don't take very kindly to trespassers, especially those who have abhorred their noble heritage. The fact that you are here is a disrespectful embarrassment. You are a disgrace, and your family -which I look forward to seeing taught a valuable lesson in the future, is a disgrace."

"You're the disgrace," boomed a livid voice suddenly. I felt Sirius reach me in barely a stride, wrapping his arms protectively around me from behind, pulling me backwards. It was more like wearing a safety belt than a hug, yet I had never been so glad to have him in my corner before. "The fact that you're my mother is an embarrasment."

Walburga opened her mouth to speak, but no words exited as her jaw moved up and down silently. I had never seen Sirius look more intimidating in his life. His nostrils were flared, his eyes were wild, and a vein above his eyebrow was twitching frantically. I would have been terrified had I not been the one he was protecting.

"You will leave her alone," Sirius continued, removing me from his arms and moving me behind him, stepping in front of me as though his mother was an incoming bullet. "I'm going to go back inside, collect my gold, and then I _never _want to see your miserable, cowering, loathsome face again. Do I make myself clear?"

His mother didn't answer him. She just stood there rooted to the spot, her face a blended mask of fury, terror, and confusion, but she didn't protest when Sirius wheeled around, took me by the shoulders and steered me back into the building. His hands were shaking badly, but he moved them up and down my arms comfortingly.

"I just need you to sign on me behalf," he spoke directly into my ear, his tone struggling to sound gentle once more. "And then we can leave. There's a back door through the office, we need to get out of here fast before people can contest it..."

"Sirius, how much did he leave you?" I asked, alerted by the way every step he took was quicker, more alarmed.

He hardly looked like he dared to believe it as we finally reached the door to the executer's office and he turned to face me at last, his eyes tired but more hopeful than I'd seen in weeks.

"He left me all of it," was all Sirius said, swallowing a large lump in his through and casting one last look over his family as he shut the office door tightly and turned to the desk where the papers lay in a haphazard row. "Marlene, he left me all of it. I never have to come back here again...I'm free now."


	11. A McKinnon Dinner

"Marlene, what the hell are you doing here?" The front door to my home swung open all at once, flooding the steps with light and nearly blinding Sirius and I as we stood there, hands shoved deep into our pockets and shivering from the icy air. Once I had adjusted to the new light, I was able to see the face attached to the surprised voice that had greeted us.

Bretton, my older brother, stood in the doorway, face clouded with a mixture of shock and concern. He towered over both Sirius and I, thick eyebrows furrowed as he looked us up and down.

"Can we come it? It's bloody freezing out here," I whined, exhaling a large cloud of white breath to make my point. My nose was so cold it was stinging and though Sirius hadn't said a word since we stepped onto the property, I could feel him shivering as we stood pressed shoulder to shoulder. The house loomed promisingly before us, windows lit with bright yellow light, the dark wood-paneled walls of the high ceilinged foyer sparkling with chandelier shadows and letting heat escape toward us through the open door.

"Are you in some kind of trouble?" Bretton pushed on, but moved his massive frame out of the doorway and allowed the two of us to slip inside, gasping with relief when the warm air hit us.

"Why do you always assume I'm in trouble, Bret?" I moaned, wiggling out of my cloak and draping it over the banister, shooting him a playful look. Bretton had always acted tough but I knew he had a weak spot for my antics; he taught me everything I knew, after all.

"Because you usually _are_," he said with a slight laugh, shaking his head with amusement as he watched me hop around, trying to get warm. The smirk slipped off his face, however, as he turned to Sirius and gave him the cliche big-brother scowl and scanned him head to toe. "Who the hell are you?"

"Friend from school," Sirius said breezily, slipping off his coat and folding it over his arm. I watched him with a surge of affection; Bretton was, by any standards, a large and intimidating-looking bloke. I was never the type to bring boys home to meet the family, but having to do it in the company of someone who wasn't a stuttering mess made the whole thing less uncomfortable.

"Mom said you were staying at school for the holidays," Bretton said, easing up slightly but still regarding Sirius suspiciously out of his periphery, crossing his arms and setting his jaw.

"Change of plans," I sighed, putting on a winning smile and flashing it at him, using the best of my little-sister charm and hoping he would help cushion the blow from my parents. My mother had been insistent on me staying at the castle over the holidays, and I knew she would be upset that I'd ignored her wishes.

"Could have written and let us know," Bretton grunted, but grabbed Sirius's coat from him and tossed it over the banister along with mine, the most welcoming gesture I could have expected from him. "I'll go let Mum and Moira know to put extra places at the table."

I watched him as he disappeared down the narrow hallway that shot off the far end of the entrance hall and connected to the kitchen, waiting until I heard his heavy footsteps fade before I turned back to Sirius.

"Nice place you've got here, McKinnon," he said, raising an eyebrow as he surveyed the entrance foyer.

Of all the impressive things his eyes could have landed on, I saw that he instead stopped and admired our family portrait longest of all- a large painting that showed me enveloped in Bretton's arms, laughing, both of us flanked on either side by my mother: short hair, plump cheeks and warm eyes, and my father: proud cheekbones, strong jaw, looking more sober than I'd ever seen him in real life.

"We do alright," I said with a shrug, crossing the room and wrapping myself under one of his arms, feeling him exhale as he melted into me, pulling me close and resting his cheek on the top of my head. I'm sure that our house was nothing compared to whatever grand stone manor his family holed up in, but I could see why the warm wood and family photos would appeal to him.

"You never told me you had a brother," Sirius added after a moment of comfortable silence, pulling away from me so that he could look me properly in the eye.

"Yes, I often try not to bring my brother up when I'm in bed with someone," I laughed, sticking my tongue out at him. "I feel it would be in bad form."

"Are you just _using _me for my _body_?!" he said in a stage whisper, clapping a hand dramatically to his chest and feigning insult.

"I'm using you for your _money _now, remember?" I teased with an eye roll, pushing him lightly on the shoulder. "Try and keep up."

"Seriously though, give me a crash course. That guy looks like he wants to rip my head off. I've never seen him around school, have I?"

"You wouldn't have seen him," I said with a shrug, looking off to the hallway where Bretton had disappeared moments ago. "He's about eight years older; graduated by the time we started. As for wanting to rip your head off...Bretton is harmless, but he's also my biggest fan. I wouldn't cross him." I wagged my finger jokingly at him but I saw him don a concentrated look, as if he was putting this onto a mental checklist.

"And Moira is..."

"His wife," I said bluntly, wrinkling my nose. "They got married about a year ago. She's alright, I just...she's not who I would have picked for- Mum!"

My mother had appeared in the hallway, eyes wild and still clutching a dish rag from the kitchen, holding to her chest as she surveyed me for any visible trauma. She was about my height and had the same hair, but had long ago chopped it short so that it hand bluntly around her chin. She was beautiful once, but the strains that came along with being a wife and mother had taken their toll on her face and hands.

"What's going on? What are you doing here?" she gasped, taking no notice of Sirius standing nearby, swallowing a lump in her throat as she continued her hunt for injuries.

"It's good to see you too," I said, giving her an easy smile as I crossed to her. She wrapped her arms around me and I stood stiffly and allowed her to do so; it was the most affection I'd been comfortable exchanging with either her or my father since I was six. "Everything is fine, I'll explain it over dinner."

"I don't like not knowing where you are," she snapped at me, flustered, pulling back. Her entire face changed when she laid eyes on Sirius for the first time, mouth transforming into a twisted, unsure smile of surprise. "You brought a boy home!" was all she managed to choke out.

Her joy was almost insulting. The arrangement I preferred with boys in the past means she'd heard virtually nothing about them; I'm sure she thought I was living a loner's life, but her relief at seeing me in the company of someone with a penis didn't help my ego at all.

"It's not what you think," I snapped at her, clamming up instantly, starting to walk past her into the kitchen with a scowl on my face. I only stopped when I heard Sirius let out a polite laugh behind me and Sirius spoke up.

"It's exactly what you think," he barked out and I could picture the goofy grin on his face before I turned around to stare at it incredulously. "Mrs. McKinnon, it is an honor to meet you." He leaned forward to give her a respectful kiss on the cheek. "And I happen to be enchanted with your daughter."

"Oh, save me the dramatics," I said with an eye roll, but I couldn't stop the smile from spreading across my face. "Are you coming to eat or not?"

I turned on my heel and made my way into the kitchen, but I didn't need to look at my mother's face to guess how flustered she must be by this turn of events. Hell, I couldn't believe it myself. I loved my family with the fierceness of my whole heart, but I had never been one to share the details of my personal life with them. I wasn't the daughter my mother had been expecting, and I knew it- I didn't want to wear the dresses or catch up over coffee on rainy days, and I could see how it had put a roadblock in our relationship.

Bretton and Moira were already seated at the table, his hulking frame contrasting his five-foot-nothing petite wife dramatically when they sat side by side. Bretton and I could never be mistaken for unrelated- he had the dark hair and straight jaw we'd inherited from our father, and the warm brown eyes that my mother was so proud of. Moira, on the other hand, stuck out like a sore thumb with her wiry carrot-colored hair and translucent white skin.

In my head, I'd always pictured Bretton settling down with a young, vivacious girl who would make him laugh and take him on wild adventures around the country. Someone who would fold into our family gracefully and go out of her way to make their new home feel like an extension of my home. Maybe I was being selfish, but before Bretton married Moira I was closer to him than anyone else in my family. I had known him so well, and I had always pictured him ending up with someone who complimented him.

Maybe it was childish to dislike Moira for "stealing" him from me. I knew she apparently made him happy, but she was cold in a very different way than I was and it made it impossible to relate to her. She was older than him for starters, and mechanical. From the moment they met she controlled him: planned a wedding within months of sinking her claws into him, moved him far away from the home where we'd grown up, sat unsmiling at the dinner table while she lightly suggested they spend more "alone time" together.

Moira wasn't a bad person, but she was a prime example to add to my why-I-won't-settle-down repertoire.

"So have we found out why the Golden Girl's returned home yet?" Moira giggled as I entered the kitchen, winking at me as if we were sharing some joke (which we clearly weren't).

"That would actually be my fault," Sirius said, mocking sheepishness. I had no idea where his sudden burst of confidence came from but it was definitely helping me out tonight. "Unfortunately, I had a family funeral I needed to attend. Marlene was kind enough to accompany me."

"I told him we could stay the night here since it was too late to travel back," I mumbled quietly, sliding into my usual spot at the table and trying not to notice the starstruck way my mother was staring at Sirius. I should have been staring at him the same way- I'd never seen him employing basic manners for such a long time before. "I hope you don't mind."

"Marlene, you know we never mind!" my mother cried, smiling warmly at me in her overly trying way. "I just wish you had written first, with everything going on..." she trailed off and tutted her tongue as she pulled a chair out for Sirius and beckoned him enthusiastically to sit down. She and Moira continued to fawn over him as if he were the Second Coming, and he didn't seem to mind the attention. I could say a lot about the way people perceived Sirius, but there was nothing but truth to what they said about him knowing how to charm women. The apprehension he'd expressed to me earlier in the day seemed to be nonexistent now.

"What did you say your name was, boy?" Bretton grunted, crossing his arms after he'd piled his plate high with potatoes. Sirius's charms did not extend to the male population, it seemed. I saw straight through Bretton's tough guy act, but the fact that he was the only one keeping his head on straight during this Twilight Zone meal earned more gratitude than sarcastic comments from me today.

"Black," Sirius said, voice losing it's playful arrogance for the first time all night. I'd enjoyed seeing him squirm, but this was a sore spot I hoped to avoid approaching as long as possible. "Sirius Black."

"Oh," was all my mother had to say to this, pressing her lips into a polite line. The look that passed through her eyes as she shot me a quick glance was unmistakable. _Ah, _it plainly said, _there's the catch. This is what I expected from you. _"My husband works with your father at the Ministry, I believe. We haven't had the pleasure of meeting the rest of your family."

"If you haven't met them, you've experienced the pleasure," I scoffed, taking a bite of chicken and hoping to diffuse the tension. Both Sirius and Bretton tried not to laugh, but my mother looked furious.

"Marlene!" she put down her knife and fork to scold me, which mean she was serious. "I don't know who raised you but it certainly wasn't me, if these are the manners you have." I opened and closed my mouth mutely a few times but, fuming silently, I said nothing. Sirius, the apparent superstar of the evening, swooped in to rescue me and I couldn't help but resent him for it.

"No, she's right," he said with a gentle laugh, nervously brushing his hair out of his handsome face. "My family and I, er...don't get on very well. Different political views, I would say. I'm living with friends at the moment, but I'll be buy ing my own place as soon as I can. Tomorrow, actually, if you can spare my favorite real estate agent."

Sirius pointed at me with his fork and shot me a playful wink; my mother brightened considerably and the air around the table was instantly diffused. I sat there for the rest of the hour stewing, however, and Bretton was never won over no matter how easily the conversation ping-ponged around the table.

"So, you two got married last year?" Sirius asked at one point, leaning in towards Moira with a charismatic smirk. "From everything Marlene's said about you-"

"Marlene's never talked about us to you," Bretton said abruptly, surprising even me enough that I put down my goblet and turned my head. "You're a smooth talker, Black, you don't need to lie about my sister to make conversation, do you?"

"Oh shut up, Bretton," I snapped at him, seeing how taken aback Sirius looked; seeing him run away with his ego was something I'd gotten used to by now, but I knew how protective Bretton could get when he was in overdrive. If there was one thing I didn't want to deal with was a pissing match between the two boys I cared about the most.

"Marlene talks plenty," Sirius said casually, keeping his tone even. My mother, who had learned by now to stay out of things as far as Bretton was involved, just clicked her tongue and started clearing the table, carrying the plates over to the sink. Moira jumped up to held her, knowing that she wouldn't be appreciated on my defense and knew better than to oppose me.

"Oh, I never shut up," I said with a nervous laugh, picking at the skin on my thumb and wondering how to diffuse the awkward situation.

"I know Marlene better than anybody," Bretton said, keeping his eyes on Sirius and ignoring me completely. "And I would put a stack of galleons down on the fact that you're full of it."

"I'm always full of it," I jumped in again, half-standing and grabbing for my own empty plate and starting to clear it away.

"I'm not trying to start any trouble," Sirius said hesitantly, but in my heart I knew that was the wrong thing for him to say. Just looking at his face, it was evident. He was walking trouble. And where my mother and Moira saw his haughty smile and aristocratic cheekbones, Bretton saw right through all that.

"Bret, stand down." I sighed, walking over to the sink where my mother and Moira were pretending to not listen in. "I can take care of myself."

"I know you can," Bretton said, his voice getting warmer as he finally addressed me, giving me a small McKinnon-trademarked smirk as he too rose from the table; Sirius didn't exist to him anymore. "I made you tough. I just don't want _someone _thinking they're going to ride you off into the sunset and make you forget who you are."

"Trust me," I said with a throaty laugh, walking over to Sirius and wrapping my arms around him from behind, letting him know that the icy chill of the evening was passing. "I'm not looking for any sunset-rides. Everyone here is on the same page."

Sirius remained silent, but placed his hand on top of mine and gave it a small squeeze. If only I had known then that we were on completely different chapters.

* * *

It was past midnight when I padded softly down the long hallway from my childhood bedroom into the guest bedroom my mother had placed Sirius in, as far away from me as possible. I knocked softly on the door twice before pushed it open, slipping in through the cracked opening and silently closing and locking it behind me.

"Hey, you," I whispered, walking on my toes and avoiding the creaking floorboards as I made my way over to the edge of the bed where he laid, shirtless and drifting in and out of sleep.

"You're sneaking _in _to bed with me now, McKinnon?" he teased, his voice deep and groggy with sleep as he outstretched his arms, making a space for me between them. "I think this means we've come full circle."

"You wish," I hissed, but accepted the somersaults that my stomach now did whenever I sank into his arms. His skin was overly warm, like always, and I felt my cheek flush as I laid it in the crook between his shoulder and neck. He exhaled a soft, comfortable noise and ran his nails up and down my back a few times.

We settled into each other like pulling on a broken-in pair of jeans after a long summer of only wearing shorts; the way they just _knew _all you curves and hugged you close without ever holding too tight. I'd be wiry and wide awake all night trying to stay awake to see him, but the second I collapsed into his arms my eyes were fighting to fall asleep instantly. My whole body ached with exhaustion, so that all I was able to hear before I passed out clean was Sirius mumbling:

"I don't know how I ever slept before you came around."

* * *

Morning had come before I was ready for it; by the time birds in the yard announced daylight, I sat up to find myself alone in the guest room bed, with a dry mouth and heavy eyelids. I didn't know what time it was, but I crossed my fingers I wouldn't run into my mother in the hallway; Bretton and Moira had left for home after dinner and now that my Dad spent most of his time at the office or falling asleep on the bar of a local pub, she sometimes took to wandering the house on her own. Thrilled though she may have been too see me in the company of a boy, I don't think seeing me sneak out of his room in the morning was quite the amount of company she had in mind.

I moved silently along the hallway keeping my ears open for any sign of Sirius, but the sound that first greeted me was laughter floating up the stairs: his a loud barking noise, my mother's a raucous yelp. I swore in that moment, if she was whipping out her arsenal of childhood bathtub pictures, I would hex her into oblivion. I made my way down the grand staircase, long hair hanging in my face, long tshirt brushing just above my knees. When I reached the hallway connecting the foyer and kitchen I stopped, trying to gauge the conversation before I traipsed into the middle of it.

"...never liked being held, even when she was a baby," my mother was saying with a laugh caught halfway between fond and heartbroken. The distance between us had never seen so profound to me before, but I had never heard her talk about me when I wasn't present before either. "Some things never change, I expect."

"I've got my work cut out with that one. Not that I mind it," Sirius agreed, though there was nothing but affection in his tone. It made me uncomfortable, listening in on him opening up. Surely he was just laying it on thick to impress my mum...wasn't he?

"She has a big heart," my mother sighed, and I heard the familiar tinkling sounds of china that always accompanied her morning tea. "She just doesn't always know what to do with it."

"I think she's doing just fine," Sirius said quietly, and goosebumps danced down my arms. "You don't need to worry about her, Mrs. McKinnon. She takes care of herself well. Hell, she takes care of me half the time, she just doesn't know it."

"Well you certainly sound like you care for her as well," Mum sighed, and I could visualize in my mind the way the lines around her eyes crinkled when she smiled. Suddenly I missed her badly, even as she was in the next room.

"She's one of my best friends," Sirius finished, so quietly I almost didn't hear it. "She's stronger than anyone I've ever met."

I felt a lump rise in my throat that I didn't have a name for, and my feet carried me up the stairs, toes tripping and head spinning. I may not have a name for whatever I was feeling, but that didn't mean it was something I needed to face right now.


	12. Going, Going, Gone

"He got it!" I cried triumphantly, throwing open the front door of my house, tugging at the scarf around my neck, letting it flutter in a heap to the floor of the foyer. Night had just fallen and my cheeks were breeze-whipped and bright pink from the cold, but there was a huge smile fixed across my face. Sirius followed on my heels, closing the door tightly behind him, struggling against the strain of the wind outside.

We had spent the entire day combing London's finest real estate options for a seventeen-year-old-wizard-on-the-run. I can neither confirm nor deny that slight fabrications of Sirius's age and "clean and quiet" living preferences were involved, but the bumps in his story always seemed to be overlooked when the talk of money availability came up.

By the end of the night, we had found ourselves standing awestruck in the middle of a loft; the entire south wall was made of glass windows and we'd sat on the kitchen floor for nearly an hour, watching people on the streets below scurrying past, imagining how he would set up all the fictional furniture he hadn't purchased yet.

"Marlene, is that you?" my mother called from upstairs, her voice echoing through the hallways, muffled. Moments later, I heard the familiar sounds of her footsteps approaching- heavy on the toe, light on the heel, the sounds of jingling keys lightly floating around her. Once she'd appeared at the bottom of the stairs she drank in the sight of Sirius beaming while I hastily scooped my scarf up from the floor and smiled back pleasantly. "I take this to mean we have good news?"

"He found an flat," I reported proudly, taking Sirius's coat from him and draping it over the edge of the banister along with my own.

"They're allowing me to move in next week," said Sirius; I could tell he was trying to sound casual, businesslike about the whole thing but there was a detectable about of self-satisfaction in his voice. Ever since he'd found out he inherited his uncle's money and wouldn't have to be returning home, he had taken increasing amounts of pride in the little things that meant he was building a new life. "I'm going to head back to the Potters tonight and stay with them until I can get the papers signed. Thank you so much for your hospitality, Mrs. McKinnon. I appreciate it."

My mother and I were flustered in very different ways; she rushed across the hallway to embrace him in a prolonged hug, still smitten with his handsome face and easy conversation skills. It went without saying that he was unlike any man she'd ever met before, and her enthusiasm for having him in the house had gotten no less embarrassing.

I was still taken aback whenever I heard him using his "parent manners" as I had now come to call them in the back of my mind, and it was hard not to resent him. I'd chosen to be with him, like I'd told Lily in the past, because he complimented my fundamental Marlene-ness. We were reckless, we were sarcastic, we were hard-edged in ways that other people didn't understand. Seeing this polished, unfamiliar version of his was disconcerting and made my angry in ways that I didn't understand. I'd relied on him to he the other side of me, and seeing him acting so oddly made me feel pitifully alone even though I knew it shouldn't.

"Marlene," my mother said suddenly, and I turned to her, shaken out of my thoughts with a quick 'mmh?' of acknowledgement. She lowered her voice to a tense whisper. "I need to take care of a few things tonight, out of the house. Do you want to Floo over to Bretton's house before I leave?"

"I think I can handle one night alone," I deadpanned. She couldn't be serious, could she? I had been independent since I could walk; I would be entirely more relaxed without Moira breathing down my neck and Bretton grunting about how 'that boy' (re: Sirius Black) was bad news. Not my ideal idea of an evening, to say the least.,

She pressed her lips into a thin line and looked back and forth between Sirius and I.

"Maybe if you went to the Potter's too-" she began hesitantly. I cut her off without a second though.

"Mum!" It came out much harsher than I intended, and I saw her recoil slightly. "I can take care of myself."

"I know you can Marlene, I just-"

"I've always taken care of myself," I finished bluntly. I saw even Sirius drop his gaze to the floor, embarrassed to be caught in the crossfire of such a personal family moment, and I knew I had gone too far. I swallowed a lump in my through, on the heels of a lame apology, but it was my mother's turn to cut me off now.

"I expect you to return to school in the morning." she said quietly, and I recognized the steely reserved voice that I myself took on when I was pulling up walls.

"I already told you that I'd go," I replied, doing my best to not let my voice become a sarcastic snap. She didn't deserve that.

"No side detours, Marlene."

"Yes, ma'am." Her eyes narrowed. That should do it. She hated when I called her ma'am. She hated when I drew any attention to the ocean of distance that floated between us.

"Write to let me know when you've arrived," she sighed after a long moment. "I'm serious. I want you back in that castle where I know you're safe. And Sirius..." her tone changed to a false, brighter tone. "I hope you travel safely. You'll be Apparating?"

"It's the easiest route," he agreed with a quick nod, clearly not able to sweep the tension under the rug as easily as us McKinnon women. "I'll leave from the park around the corner as soon as I've made sure Marlene's locked the house up."

With that extra promise of safety, my mother's face finally softened and, with a final stiff hug to each of us, she was gone. After she left, residual tension hung in the air for a prolonged minute before I found the strength to open my mouth.

"That respectful virgin act of yours was something new," I snapped, refusing to meet his gaze and crossing my arms.

I knew it wasn't him that my anger was directed at, but it was hard to reroute when he was standing right beside me. He would sit there and take it.

He would take the beating for my sake. Somehow, knowing this only made me feel worse.

"Are you really trying to pick a fight with me?" he said darkly, mimicking my pose though I saw a slight smirk playing under his expression. "Are you going to throw a fit because I went out of my way to be polite to your _mother_?"

"Yes," I muttered, feeling more childish by the moment. The bemused look on his face doubled my frustration.

"You're the most ridiculous person I've ever met, McKinnon," he laughed, his smile exploding to full wattage again.

"Just send me an owl when you get to James's," I huffed. I knew I was being ridiculous. I knew it, and yet the tantrum had already started. I swallowed hard again and turned toward the staircase. "I'm sure you can let yourself out once you've gotten me locked in all nice and safe. Thank _goodness _you're here to look out for me."

I heard him calling my name up the stairs as I stalked toward my bedroom, but by the time I reached my bed I heard the heavy slamming of the front door. I flopped onto the mattress, burying my face in my favorite pillow with a small scream of frustration. The moment I had finished, lungs shrinking and empty of air, I began to feel incredibly stupid. This was so typical of me.

"Good job, Marlene," I said to myself, rolling onto my back, hugging my pillow to my chest tightly and staring at the ceilings.

"Good job indeed," came a sudden voice from the doorway.

My reaction was twofold; I rocketed into a sitting position and found myself screaming in surprise, but at the same time my hand independently found and closed around the base of my wand, brandishing it wildly and blindly in front of me.

"Are you insane?!" the voice roared, and with a start I realized that Sirius was back, standing in the entrance to my childhood bedroom.

He was leaning against the doorframe, but his posture was no longer casual; he stood rigid and in a bracing position, his own hand flying defensively to the pocket of his jacket to reach for his wand should he need it.

"I'm so sorry!" I squeaked, scrambling to my feet and letting my wand fall back onto my bedside table with a clatter. I walked halfway toward him, feeling unable to make it past the writing desk when we were getting along as poorly as we were.

"Were you about to shoot a spell at me with your eyes closed?!"

"Of course not," I scoffed, but I felt my cheeks growing hot, blood rushing to them in embarrassment. "I thought I heard you leave, I wasn't expecting you to show up at my bedroom door."

"I was _locking _the _door_, Marlene. You know...the thing that you claimed you didn't need anyone reminding you to do?" He was watching me with an incredulous expression on his face, but he still seemed more amused and worried than angry. Perhaps my luck hadn't completely run out after all. I closed my eyes and let the red blush take over my face. I heard him burst out into a bark of laughter and somehow, miraculously, a bright smile worked its way across my lips as well.

"Okay, I'm an idiot," I acquiesced, opening my eyes just in time to see him closing the gap between us, snaking his arms around my waist and pulling me into a tight squeeze. He rocked me back from arm to arm lightly; the sensation made me feel dizzy but strangely safe.

"Maybe," he added after a long moment of comfortable silence that I'd spent inhaling his scent and feeling the blissful sensation of his soft t-shirt pressed against my cheek, "Just maybe...it would be beneficial, in the future, for you to ask me _why _I do things, instead of going off on me straight away."

"Are you telling me you had a hidden agenda this weekend?" I asked, pulling away from him suddenly. I knew him better than I knew most people at this point, but I hadn't seen this coming from a mile away.

"You should know by now that I always have a hidden agenda," he laughed, rolling his eyes in a sarcastic gesture I just now realized that I'd missed seeing on his face. Gently, he took my by the wrist and led me over to the edge of my bed: a bright yellow comforter that was worn and woefully outdated, a small white teddybear sitting up by the pillows, a Valentine's day gift from Bretton I'd gotten as a child. It was the only thing I'd latched onto at that age, and the small stuffed creature had remained with me ever since.

"So would you care to clue me in on your devious scheme?" I asked sarcastically, raising an eyebrow. I saw a mischievous smile flash across his face as his eyes scanned me, and I clued in only a second before he told me.

"Well," he began slowly, reaching up to my shoulders and sliding my sweater down around my shoulders. Gently, I pulled it from my arms, letting it fall to the floor. My heart had started to beat steadily faster. He leaned in and pressed his lips to my neck, giving me a shudder of chills before he continued. "I daresay that if your mother hadn't been so _charmed_ with me..." his hands brushed my long hair out of my face and over one shoulder as his mouth found my cheek, kissing it quickly before he spoke directly into my ear. "She would never have left me alone in the house with you and assumed so readily that I would ever _go_."

"And suppose she gets home early?" I breathed softly, but I didn't care about the answer. He'd tossed his own jack to the floor by now, placed his hand along my collarbone and pushed me down into a laying position. I watched him smirking above me from my place on the pillows as he kicked off his shoes and then reappeared above me, running a hand lightly through my hair and knotting his fingers through it.

"Then," he pressed his lips to my forehead. "I'm sure I would earn some thanks for making sure that her precious," he kissed the tip of my nose- "Reckless," the point of my chin- "Daughter," finally, his lips met mine and my sigh of relief was overdone. "Was safe and not alone in the house."

"You're pure evil," I told him with a smile; it was a compliment and I knew it would touch him greatly. He made to reply, but I cut him off swiftly, throwing my arms around his neck and crashing my lips against his.

I felt him exhale as he shifted his weight to hover over me, wasting no time in sliding his hand under the hemline of my shirt, nails digging into my hips with increased urgency. He was smiling against my lips as he kissed me deeper; we became a flurry of hands undoing buttons, legs kicking off pants and boots, heavier breathing punctuated by quick bursts of laughter.

I bit down on his lower lip hard when I felt him move inside me, one of my hands clutching the blanket beneath us, the other with my fingers through his, rhythmically contracting to the slow and loud beating of Sirius's heart against my own rib cage.

He made a noise, a low growl of sorts, and buried his face in the curve between my shoulder and neck, collapsing on top of me with a comfortable drop of weight. I closed my eyes peacefully and exhaled, wrapping my arms around his neck and keeping him close, the cold sweat on his forehead melting away the longer we laid there, breathing in synch with each other.

And then, cutting through the blissful silence: "Marlene, I'm in love with you."

I didn't hear him all at once; it came to me in three separate waves. First it passed through the room peacefully as if it were the natural finale to the experience, as simple and expected as a goodnight. Then I heard the words as if they hadn't come from him; my brain worked in slow motion like a child learning to read, dissecting each syllable as if they couldn't possibly combine in the order I'd just heard them. And finally I realized it for what it was, heard it spilling out of his mouth and felt the nervous way his shoulder twitched as the words escaped him.

I should have, in retrospect, done something calming, or poetic, or empathetic. I should have kissed him, or rubbed his back, or asked him to explain.

"What?" was all I said instead, voice low and hollow as I furrowed my brow and tried to breathe. It felt like an invisible hand had clamped itself around my now-dry throat and squeezed with all its might. I coughed nervously, feeling my limbs tense up from shoulder to toe. I'm not proud to say it, but my mind immediately located all possible escape routes from the room.

To my shock, instead of getting withdrawn and moody he just laughed, gently pulling away from me and rolling to his side. Before he said anything, he grabbed his boxers from the far end of the bed and put them on. He then passed me his oversize t-shirt, waiting for me to pull it over my head and snuggle into it before he spoke again, clearly trying not to laugh at the gobsmacked expression on my tense face.

"Merlin, you did not disappoint me," he choked out, laughter impairing his ability to talk, handsome smile undeterred as I sat there looking confused. "I wanted to see how badly I could freak you out. Your voice gets all...oh, McKinnon, you are walking gold."

"Were you just trying to get a rise out of me?!" I cried, smacking him on the arm with a sudden smile.

I knocked him flat onto his back again, pinning him down with my legs on either side of him in a straddle position, trapping him in place so that I could more effectively beat him up.

However, a strange schism was happening within me. The part of me that smiled, a beaming flash of white teeth and palpable relief that didn't quite reach my eyes was soaring; the invisible hand that'd closed around my throat had freed itself and elation was pumping through my veins.

However, there was something else. Something below. It was a stabbing pain but dull at the same time. Surely I hadn't wanted him to mean it, did I? It was almost a concentrated embarrassment uncurling inside my chest. Why not me?

"So you didn't mean it then." I asked in a quiet voice, abruptly stopping my playful assault on him. He took one of my hands in each of his and looked at me for a short eternity.

"Marlene, I meant it," he said quietly after a long exhale through his teeth, smiling fading slightly. His head shook from side to side in slow motion, hair falling into his eyes again where it'd been pushed back by my own hands, the ones that now twitched in my lap- one in joy, one in horror. "But it's not what you...don't read too much into it, okay? I'm not asking for anything."

Suddenly, I became very aware that my heart was pounding loudly in my ears. I was aware of the way his eyes looked like melted steel and the way that recognizing the mole beside his left cheekbone felt like running into an old friend. Maybe there was something more to be said for the way my stomach flipped when I saw him enter a room. Maybe there was something to be said for the way I'd suddenly let him into my life farther than anyone else had ever been around long enough to go.

A strange feeling was bubbling up through my esophagus, a warm bubbling that I didn't realize for what it was at first: words.

I took a deep, bracing breath and opened my mouth.

"Sirius, I l-"

"What the fuck is going on here?"

Every muscle in my body seized up in panic when I heard the gruff, booming voice come from behind us. I didn't have to turn around to know who it was. I'd been hearing that voice since I was born; it had never, however, made me feel half as terrified as I did right now.

Bretton had practically raised me; he had seen me in too many compromising positions to count. But nothing could have prepared me for what would happen when he saw me that night, half dressed and straddling an even-less-dressed Sirius Black in my childhood bedroom.

I don't know how quickly I scrambled to my feet and stumbled away from the bed, but I am positive that it is the fastest I had ever moved in my life, or ever would move again.

Bretton was absolutely livid. The muscle in his jaw was jumping; the corner of his mouth was twitching. His face was dark red venturing on purple. And he was charging into the room like a crazed bull.

"Bretton, we weren't-" I tried to start, but my the rest of my sentence got caught in my throat. Even if he had bothered to listen to me, I couldn't lie to him.

"OH YOU WEREN'T?" He roared at me, barely pausing to throw me a disgusted look. Bretton snapped his head back to Sirius and I realized what was happening a moment too late to warn him.

Bretton either didn't have his wand on his or didn't think to use it, but that didn't stop him from grabbing Sirius -who had little to no time to defend himself- by the hair, pulling him off the bed, and slamming him to the floor. I screamed, but nobody even turned in my direction to react. Sirius's full weight slammed his shoulder into the floor; I could see it stretch out of place and recoil painfully.

"Bretton, stop it!" I begged, and something in my voice, something in the brother-sister bond that connected us, made him stop. He turned to look at me with a stony expression.

"This isn't how I raised you, Mar." his voice was gruff and laden with disappointment, and I could feel myself shrinking back against the wall. "This is our _home_. You should be showing it some God-damn respect."

"What are you doing here in the first place? You have your own fu-" Apparently the end of my sentence was of little to no concern to him.

"Mum asked me to come by," he interrupted. "She wanted me to make sure you were safe."

"I can handle things on my own!" I cried out, throwing my arms out in exasperation.

"Clearly you can't!" he countered, deadpanning his anger. "Clearly you still need someone watching over you or-"

"This doesn't have to do anything with respect," I spat at him, feeling anger pounding at the inside of my chest like a drum. "This is about you not realizing that I'm old enough to-"

"Old enough to _what?" _Bretton spat right back. "Old enough to shag any common playboy that tosses a wink your way? In the same bed where I used to tell you fucking fairy tales before bed?"

"Don't _call _him that," I cried indignantly, but Bretton wasn't done.

"This kid is trash, Marlene. _Trash_. He is a smooth-talking, trouble causing, disrespecful-"

"What is this obsession you have with respect?" I cut across him, hands shaking by my sides. "Do you want me to _respect _you for barging into my-"

"I just wish you would respect _yourself_, Mar."

"I do respect myself," I growled, lowering my voice darkly. That was a step way too far over the delicate line that guided our relationship.

"Well right now, that makes one of us."

Never, in my entire life, had Bretton said anything that wounded me so deeply. By this time, his voice was calm but his words reverberated in my ears as if he'd screamed them. I couldn't have produced a come back if my life depended on it, but luckily I wouldn't need to: as I stood there, dumbfounded and on the verge of tears, I saw Sirius getting to his feet.

"You don't get to talk to her like that," he said; his voice was calm, but I could see tangible anger filling his expression. He was trying so hard to keep things polite, to come to my rescue. But he was a time bomb, and he didn't understand how to deal with Bretton the way I did, and that was a recipe for disaster.

"_I _don't?!" Bretton wheeled around to face Sirius and my stomach dropped. "You barely fucking _know _her. You don't get a say in this _at all_, Black."

"You don't fucking know _me," _Sirius's voice was rising rapidly, gaining more edge by the moment. "I care about Marlene more tha-"

"I really didn't ask for you to speak," Bretton lashed out harshly. "Nobody cares what you have to say right now."

"I care," I cut in angrily, putting my hands on my hips as if Bretton wasn't the most frightening person I knew. My parents, I could ignore and twist and talk back to. Bretton was different. But he was going too far. "I care what he has to say."

"It's time for you to leave our house," said Bretton, completely ignoring me and turning to Sirius with a rough point toward the door. "Or do you even have anywhere to go?"

If I thought the line had been crossed before, we were miles past it now. Sirius had kept his mouth shut, had held himself back all weekend. But this was too much.

I watched in horror as Sirius stiffen and then, without thinking twice about the consequences, curled his hand into a fist and connected with Bretton's face.

Bretton recoiled, furious. I knew he was about to return the strike, but my legs suddenly moved on autopilot, jumping forward and placing myself directly between the two boys.

"Both of you stop it," I said loudly, trying to sound bold even when my voice was shaking violently. "Someone is going to wind up dead if you keep at this."

"Good, I was hoping that's how it would go," Bretton growled, and I wheeled around to face him. No more cowering, I was absolutely done with his violence and overprotective attitude.

"Go down to the kitchen, Bret. I just need a minute here."

"Like hell I'm going to leave you alone with-"

"I'M NOT ASKING YOU, I'M TELLING YOU," the words came out of me with so much fury my throat might've caught fire, but it relieved a bit of the burden that was pushing down on my shoulders. A headache pounded through my temples.

"One minute," my brother acquiesced stonily. Bretton was many things, but foolish wasn't one of them. He backed his way out of the room, keeping a steady glare on both of us all the while. Sirius waited until we heard Bretton's heavy footsteps reach the bottom of the stairs before he spoke.

"Jesus, Marlene, get your things together so we can get out of here alive."

"What do you mean, get my things together?" I asked, genuine confusion sweeping across my face.

"We can go to the Potter's together," he answered, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "I'm not leaving you here with that lunatic."

"He's my brother," I answered stonily, suddenly retreating into myself, crossing my arms defensively over my chest. "Don't call him a lunatic. He practically raised me."

"He practically murdered me on your bedroom floor, is what he did."

"Well you can't exactly _blame _him can you? Given the situation-"

"Marlene, you're not a child. I would never treat you like that, and you need-"

"I don't _need _to do anything," I cut him off, voice growing more defensive by the moment. "And you have treated me like that. Speaking of lunatics, you were the one that punched him in the face. What the fuck was that about?"

"He was insulting me," Sirius said, livid again once he realized what was going on: I still hadn't picked a side. He had always counted on me to back him up but I couldn't charge blindly into this. Not now.

On one hand I had Bretton, who knew me better than anyone on the planet. Who helped me take my first steps, whose name was my first word. He was blood, and I would bet every galleon in my vault that he was downstairs at this very moment, making me a cup of tea and planning how next to proceed with making this situation right.

And then there was Sirius, who made me feel more like myself than I ever had: a more protected version of who I thought I was, who laughed more and felt more at ease than I ever thought possible, even with everything going on. He was the one who, before we were interrupted, would have been the first person I told I loved...wouldn't he? I hadn't officially decided whether the words would come out, or if I could really mean them with my entire heart, but I suppose it didn't matter anymore.

That didn't change the fact that Sirius had only been defending me, defending his own honor. However, it also didn't change the fact that he had crossed too far beyond the line of family ties.

Nothing would change the fact that Bretton was closer to a father figure to me than my own father; of course he had a right to be upset, even to irrational levels, when he discovered what he believed to be a lack of respect, a lack of responsibility. He had taken it too far, gotten too violent, said things that were too horrible...but that was the mark of a McKinnon, was it not?

I didn't know a word strong enough to describe how much each of them meant to me.

But I knew it also wasn't possible for me to take both sides here.

"Well?" Sirius asked, looking at me impatiently. He had pulled on his pants and shoes, put his leather jacket on over his bare chest. I'd forgotten I was still wearing his shirt, baggy around me like a dress. "Are you coming?"

I exhaled slowly to my teeth and sank down onto the edge of my bed.

"I can't," I said quietly, casting a look toward the doorway where Bretton had only disappeared moments ago.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Sirius didn't bother trying to employ manners when it came to fighting with me, apparently.

"Sirius, he's my _family_."

"That doesn't give him the right to push you around! What happened to not letting anyone tell you what to do? Was that just a load of bullshit, because that's how it sounds right now."

"Oh, so you would rather I just let _you _tell me what to do. Is that what you're saying?"

"Marlene, he's barking."

"Sirius, he's my brother. He's the most important person in my life."

"Yeah, well you're the most important person in _my _life. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

There was avery pregnant pause in the room; the tension in the air could be cut with a knife. It could have been funny in any other universe: Sirius standing there shirtless under his jacket, shoes untied, asking me to choose him. But it wasn't funny.

"I think you should leave," I said in a low voice, closing my eyes to try and still the manic beating of my pulse in my eardrums.

After a long time, I opened my eyes to tell him to get going, but he was already gone.


	13. The Other Side

**Point of View: Sirius Black**

* * *

"It's going to get very loud in here!" I heard James boom as he stumbled across the floor of the pub toward our booth, doing his best to juggle four overflowing mugs of Butterbeer at the same time. Watching him approach felt like a balancing act of my own; the room had become a bright blur of sound and color, tilting too far to the left, everything too loud and simultaneously far away.

"Cheers, gentlemen!" With a grand flourish as he grabbed one of the mugs for himself, James slid into the booth next to a very red-eyed, very drunk Peter who greeted the new drinks with an impressively perky nod for the state he was in.

"To New Year's Eve...eve!" Remus shouted cheerfully, leaning across me and claiming one of the drinks for himself, sloshing the top layer of foamy liquid across the table as he lifted it in a solitary toast and brought it to his mouth. I felt a drunken, lopsided smile working it's way across my face; it wasn't often, lately, that all of us were together, in such high spirits.

"Well said, Moony," I slurred, shaking stray hair out of my eyes and pulling the last drink in toward my chest before James could get any ideas into his head about downing two at once. It wouldn't have been the first time.

"Should have toasted to you two prats finally getting here," said James, glasses askew, the smile on his face taunting but beyond glad. It was jarring to realize, all at once, how grown up we all were; sometimes I still saw us as twelve year olds running amuck and pulling pranks until I realized how much time had passed; how tall James had gotten, how ragged Remus was, how Peter had gone from being a tag-along to someone I could rely on. "SItting 'round the castle instead of coming down and spending three weeks-"

"Watching Prongsie here write about fifty letters to Evans," I cut in, laughing loudly at the indignant look that crossed his face. "Yes, it was three weeks well spent indeed."

"Sod off," James snapped, but I could see he was trying hard not to laugh. "You have your own place now, Padfoot, _you're _welcome to stop freeloading anytime."

"Your life would be unbearably dull without me," Outwardly, I scoffed. However, a sliver of insecurity began to gnaw at me just as it always did when my staying with the Potters was mentioned. It didn't matter how many time I was assured I was welcome there; I never trusted it.

"Not a bad holiday, actually," Peter interjected, seeming as always to sense when the tension was on its way. "Vance got drunk on Christmas Eve and almost took Fenwick back to the tower with her."

"VANCE?" James cried incredulously, slamming his now-drained mug down to the surface of the table. "Are you kidding me? I can't wait to take the mickey out of her tomorrow when she gets here."

"Vance is coming too?" Remus asked curiously, a confused look on his face. "I thought only Lily was floo-ing in."

"No, no," James shook his head with much more emphasis than necessary, lifting a hand to further tousle his hair. "My parents went all out for the ball this year. All their friends from Dad's office, anyone who can floo in from the school. They reckon everyone needs a bit extra cheering up this year."

"Here, here," Peter toasted, finishing off his drink as well.

"Celebrate all you want, Prongsie," I jabbed, tossing an easy smirk in his direction. "The moment Evans comes through the door, your three weeks of bachelor life with me are o-v-e-r."

"Just as well. I need someone around to keep me in line," James groaned, motioning over one of the pretty, blonde waitresses to take another round of drink orders. She tottered over to us, wobbling in her ridiculously high shoes. Drunk on the job- how fucking professional.

"What can I get you boys?" the waitress asked, looking around at us through a pair of gigantic green eyes. The tag on her shirt claimed her name was Elizabeth, but I found my eye line wandering slightly north of the plastic card.

"Let's take it up a notch," I said slowly, keeping my eye line trained blatantly on her chest. If she noticed, she said nothing. Remus, however, was boring a hole straight through the side of my face. I could feel him glaring. "Firewhiskey, all around."

The moment the waitress had stumbled out of earshot to fetch our drinks, I felt Remus punch me in the arm.

"This is why we can't bring you out in public, Padfoot." Remus complained, rolling his eyes and finishing off the bottom later of his drink before the new ones arrived.

"Sorry, Moony. Subtlety has never been my strong suit," I snorted, feeling that old, familiar, wicked grin flit across my face. There were harder bad habits to slip back into. For a moment it appeared that I would get away with it, that the moment would pass.

"And what about Marlene?" said Remus, and I felt my throat instantly go dry. There it was, the question that had somehow gone weeks unasked. Hearing her name was like a splash of cold water to the face, and left me feeling just as uncomfortable.

"What about McKinnon?" I spat, so suddenly that I surprised even myself. "Fuck her, am I right?"

The table fell suddenly silent; the only sound was Peter clearing his throat uncomfortably and a glass clinking against the waxy wooden tabletop. The tension was only broken after a long moment when James let out a sudden hoot of laughter and pumped his fist into the air.

"Where did that come from?" James asked, shaking his head incredulously. He'd never asked what had happened between Marlene and I, but then again he didn't need to. There wasn't a bone in his body that would be less than blindly loyal. He was on my side before he knew what the sides were.

Peter made as if to follow suit after James, raising his empty glass in a halfhearted celebration; he was always more useless in situations he couldn't read. Remus, however, intensified his staring at me; furrowing his brow deeply and giving me a look that was one part disapproving and two parts concerned.

"Just done," I grunted, noncommittally. It wasn't any of their damn business anyway. That was Marlene's whole thing wasn't it? Keeping other people out of the situation? I could do that for her. Not that I owed her anything now, but I could do that for her.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Remus asked, quietly from beside me. And even though I knew I shouldn't, knew it was a horrible gesture to return to his concern, I let out a loud, barking, sarcastic laugh.

"Yes, Moony." I was lashing out, but it was fine. It was always fine as long as someone laughed. "Let's all go round in a circle and talk about our _feelings_. Then Wormtail can braid my hair while Prongs mourns the loss of his manhood."

"Fuck off," James countered cheekily, smirking beneath his scowl. "Christ, Moony, it was _Marlene McKinnon_. How long were you expecting that to last?"

"Oh, don't talk about her like she's some sort of-" Remus tried to interject, but James just waved his hands in the other boy's direction.

"Mar is a sweet girl," James insisted, defensively. "How many years have we known her now? She's brilliant...but Merlin, she's _Marlene. _You know what she's about. Not exactly the type you bring home to the folks."

"Last I checked, the two of you were getting on just fine," Remus countered dryly, clearly annoyed at being left out of the loop.

"When I'm bored, I'm bored," I sighed breezily, looking up expectantly as what's-her-name the blonde waitress click-clacked her way back over to us with a tray of new, stronger drinks. "McKinnon just didn't make the cut. It's no big loss."

"Get your head out of your ass," Remus moaned, sliding one of the new glasses toward himself and taking a swig, wincing when the fiery liquid hit his throat. "You want to act tough? That's fine. But if something happened with you and Marls, ignoring it isn't-"

"Moony, he said fuck her!" James interrupted again, laughing as he too downed a sip of whiskey. "I love McKinnon, you love McKinnon, we get it. But since when do you need a reason to trust our old fleabag here? MARAUDERS UNITED, MOONY."

"Christ, Prongs, take it down a notch." I was laughing on the outside, but I couldn't find the words to describe exactly how much his support meant to me. I didn't want to deal with questions any more than he felt the need to ask them. In other words, not at all.

"Tell me that things aren't going to be awkward now," Peter asked with an eye roll, though I detected a nervous edge to his voice. Social situations were hard enough on him without being caught between two sides of a war. "Maybe learn to keep your hands off girls we need to see every day, eh?"

"I'll try to control myself, Wormy." I tossed a wink in his direction and he seemed to be reassured, but only just so.

"She's the first person I've seen you have feelings for-" Remus tried to cut in again, but the other two and I cut him off with a round of exasperated shouting until he got the memo and closed his mouth with a semi-amused eye roll.

"If you'll excuse me for a moment, gentlemen," I said, standing up to the familiar sensation of a spinning head and unsteady knees. "I'll leave you to discuss your precious _feelings _and be back in a moment."

The bathroom of the pub was by no means luxurious; one bare lightbulb swing overhead, tossing the wet corners into shadows, the tiles were held together, seemingly, by grime, and the fogged mirror had a dramatic crack right down the center.

I closed and locked the door behind me and breathed hard for a moment, trying to still the rage that had steadily been building in my chest ever since I heard her name.

Fuck her, right?

I put my hands carefully on the cold surface of the sink and continued to breathe deeply. I had gone so long without hearing her name, without hearing a fake memory of the way her crazy, too-loud laugh bouncing off the walls.

Fuck her, I didn't want her anyway.

I glared evenly at my reflection, ignoring the way my face branched off into two in the surface of the cracked glass. I wasn't paying attention to any of it, not really. Instead, I was habitually fiddling with a piece of paper in my hand, the one I'd taken to carrying around in my jacket pocket. Bloody embarrassing, but it was true.

_Not coming back to school until term starts. Things are complicated. Need to get some perspective. Just need to do some breathing. Don't write, I'll be in touch. -M _

I re-read the words, but I didn't need to. I knew what they said at this point.

She never got in touch.

It had been over three weeks now, almost four, and that was all I'd heard from her. I could do that math for myself. I may not have caught on quickly enough, but when the only answer to "how can I help?" is "stay away", the situation laid itself out pretty blatantly.

Maybe I had no real reason to be angry with her. She'd never lied to me. Never claimed to feel things she didn't. Always told me when she needed bleeding room. Even though she always needed bloody breathing room. She had every right, didn't she, to try and make things right with her family? To finally cut ties with me? It was never going to work anyway, neither of us was built for it.

Fuck her, I didn't need her.

Fuck her, I couldn't get her out of my head.

She had been about to say it back, hadn't she? That she loved me? She was going to say it, or...or let me down easy. Was that what she was doing now? Cutting the fucking chord? That's fine.

Fucking Marlene.

I didn't realize that I'd punched the mirror until I saw the blood from my knuckles dripping into the clogged-up sink. I didn't realize that I'd been shaking, jaw twitching, nose flaring. This usually worked, got all the aggression out. Not tonight.

Blood still boiling, I tore my eyes away from the mess of shattered glass on the wall that used to be a mirror and let my uninjured hand find the doorknob. I wrenched the door open and stepped back out into the noise and chaos of the pub. With an uncoordinated start, I realized that someone was now blocking my way back to the table.

"Everything okay in there, sugar?" asked Ellen or Eleanor or whatever that waitress from before was named. Her nametag was gone, so was her apron, but she was leaning against the doorframe with a casual smile on her face.

"I'm doing just fine," I answered, squinting at her, pushing my hair out of my face with the hand that wasn't bleeding so she wouldn't see it. It would be just what I needed, getting kicked out of a pub on a night like tonight. I got right to the point. "Thank you."

Across the room, I saw Remus turn and watch me with a concerned look on his face, analyzing the blonde leaning toward me. James was distracted, Peter shooting me a hesitant thumbs up. Normally I thrived in the spotlight, but tonight their extra attention was making me uncomfortable. Wounded Sirius, angry Sirius: it was nothing they needed to see. Not if I wanted them to stick around. Manwhore, unconcerned Sirius: they would believe it.

I didn't have to feel it to be it. It was like slipping into an old pair of robes.

"When does your shift end?" I asked the tiny blonde. I could get right to the point. It wasn't my best, but evidently it didn't need to be. She raised her eyebrows at me and I saw a smile cross her face.

Not Marlene's smile. But fuck Marlene.

"I'm all done for the night," she said, her voice quiet and high pitched and kind. "Do you have a place?"

"As a matter of fact, I do."

* * *

"This is...where you live?" Elizabeth-the-waitress wobbled through the front door of my loft with an uneasy tone in her voice.

"Still in the process of moving," I grunted, reaching around and trying to find the lights. I flicked the switch, but nothing happened. Bloody perfect. I couldn't use magic in front of her; I may have been seven shades done over with whiskey, but I had no idea where she was at. Had to assume she'd remember everything.

Elizabeth just pursed her lips together and stepped farther into the room, peering through the darkness at the disorganized piles of boxes that were starting to collect dust, casting eerie shadows over the spacious room. The wall of windows at the far end of what was supposed to be the living area cast a neon blue glow onto her skin, reflecting street lights and store signs from below.

I stayed in the doorway. I didn't want to go inside.

It was bloody ridiculous of me, but I hadn't been back to the loft since the day I'd moved my boxes in from James's parents house. Actually, it had been bloody ridiculous of me to choose this apartment for the reasons I did. I'd never stopped to picture where my furniture would go- should I ever get any. The location was amazing; so close to James's neighborhood that walking here hadn't been a problem. But that wasn't why I picked it.

What kind of idiot chooses a home based on the way that fucking Marlene McKinnon's eyes lit up when she saw it?

Oh, right. This one.

"At least you have a bed," came Elizabeth's voice from across the room, and I snapped my head up in surprise. Did I? Must've forgotten about that.

I felt like I was moving on autopilot as I crossed the room. It was the hardest when I'd still been living with my family. Shut down on the inside, doing anything to feel less angry. It was an easy pit to fall back into.

I was kissing her, but I don't remember what it was like. They weren't Marlene's lips.

Marlene who?

Her skin was soft, and pale, and glowed in the moonlight, but I didn't bother to compliment her. I didn't bother to say anything at all. She wasn't McKinnon.

Fuck McKinnon, right?

When everything was over, I felt collapse onto my chest, breathing deeply and swearing quietly. Her blonde hair tickled my nose and chin, and I didn't bother to brush it away. It smelled like honey and whiskey and some sort of flower, and I was surprised to find I didn't mind it.

I'd forgotten that I could do this, and feel nothing at all.

She brought her lips down and closed them over mine, and it was like receiving a shock of electricity. The reality of the situation came crashing down around me in heavy droves; it was like the whiskey curtain was pulled back for the first time all night. Elizabeth pulled back and I saw her gazing at me through the darkness, her eyes all green and moonlight and longing.

"I think you should leave," I said slowly, fighting back the horrible urge to laugh. Those were the last words McKinnon had said out loud to me, weren't they?

"Are you kidding?" the waitress asked, furrowing her eyebrows and looking like I'd just smacked her across the face.

"Door's that way," was all I said in return. It took several long moments of stunned silence for her to receive the message, and several more of her cursing at me loudly as she gathered up her clothes. But eventually, she was gone. Eventually, I was alone again.

I sat up in bed slowly, thought about going back to the Potter's. They'd welcome me; I knew it wouldn't be a problem. Being alone was the fucking worst.

Instead, I reached across the bed to where my jacket laid abandoned. And then, feeling like the idiot I was, I reached into the inside pocket and pulled out Marlene's letter again.

_Not coming back to school until term starts..._

That was as far as I got before I was shaken out of my stupor by the sound of someone pounding on my front door.


	14. Knocks and Shocks

**Point of view: **_Sirius Black_

* * *

Instinctively, I felt my shoulders tense up as the pounding on the door continued- steady at first but growing more urgent by the minute. Marlene's letter nearly tore, clenched suddenly into my fist: the paper scratching against my palms and infusing me with a sudden panic. She couldn't have known, could she, that I was laying here reading the words she'd looped out carefully by hand?

That was ridiculous. She couldn't have known. It wasn't her.

I stared through the heavy darkness, squinting against a forming headache, past boxes and sheeted furniture and mess, at the door shaking in its hinges.

And then, suddenly, I was bolting to my feet, pulling on pants, reaching for my wand.

It was Marlene, wasn't it? There at the door?

It couldn't be anyone else.

It was storming outside- she could be freezing, wet. She hadn't told me she was coming- maybe she was injured? In some sort of trouble? Was that why I hadn't heard from her in weeks?

Was she here to say she was sorry? Did I even want her to?

Fuck her, right? But no. The feeling building up in my chest was undeniable: hope.

It had to be Marlene, didn't it? It was Marlene. Nobody else would know to come here.

My fingers flew and fumbled over the locks, pulling them open with shaking hands. My heart beat insistently in my ears, deafening me to the knocking that hadn't ceased.

What was she doing here? It was nearly four in the morning.

Typical Marlene.

Selfishly, foolishly, in my head I saw a flash of something I hadn't known I wanted: her, appearing at the door and me, wrapping her up in my arms. It was absurd. I was angry at her. I wouldn't be pulled back into this, not after she'd made me look like some sort of fool.

I'd been pushing down and ignoring any memory of her for weeks now. I hadn't known how badly I'd needed to see her until I was here, desperately tearing away at the chain-link lock at the top of the door.

She came back for me. It was a horrible, embarrassing, desperate thought to have. Disgusting, dependent, and too needy. But it was the thought running through my mind nonetheless. She came back for me, didn't she? She was here.

The knocking finally ceased when I pulled away at the last of the locks. I threw the door open with more force than necessary- maybe it was the alcohol that was still pumping through my system, maybe it was the manic frenzy I'd just worked myself into. Whatever it was, it left me standing there wide-eyed as the door flew open to reveal a shock of dark hair and black clothing standing in the hallway before me.

It was not Marlene.

It was Regulus.

I stood there bound in shock for a long moment, paralyzed by both shock and his non-Marlene-ness. He was a wreck. His right eye had swollen up into a mess of blue and purple bruises. He was soaked from the storm raging outside, dripping water onto the hallway floor, dark hair stuck to his stony-serious face. We stood there, eyes locked for an eternity- his wide like a deer caught in headlights while he panted and shivered, rooted to the spot.

"I'm in trouble," he managed to choke out.

And suddenly I was falling backwards, scrambling over my feet to let him in. I don't know what came over me, but it wasn't hatred and it wasn't guilt and it wasn't frustration- the three things I most often felt in his presence. In fact, I'm not sure I was feeling anything at all as I fumbled for my wand and illuminated the room, pulled up a dusty chair from a corner.

"How did you know I would be here?" I asked as the shock of the moment wore off. He didn't answer, just pulled himself, still breathing hard and ragged, into the chair I'd produced, slumping over in a fit of exhaustion that looked all too familiar to me.

There was a long, tense moment of silence and I was caught in the perpetual dilemma of my young adult life: did I tend to him, or did I leave him be? He was soft, he was always the softer one. He had always had someone to look after him whether it was our parents telling him what to believe or me stepping in front to protect him. I'd always been the protective buffer. I wondered fleetingly who was doing that job for him now.

"I'm in trouble," Regulus repeated again, in a hollow low voice that I'd never heard him use before. It didn't fit him.

"Who did this to you?" I asked, crossing the room and rummaging through a crudely-packed box, feeling around until my hands hit the soft fabric of a towel. I pulled it out, ignoring the tinkling of breaking glass that accompanied the shift, and tossed it to him. He pressed it to a cut on his forehead with a grateful sigh. "Where did this happen? Home?"

"No, not at home," Regulus grunted, shaking his head back and forth, water droplets from the storm still dripping onto the floorboard in a steady pattern. "Have you been drinking?"

"What?" I swung my head toward him sleepily, about to deny it. He'd always ask me that, I remembered now, when I'd stumble home after a long night. Those were the only times he'd been the big brother, took care of me, gotten me upstairs before a fight would break out between my father and I or before I could stumble in to a room of honored guests. But then, with a resigned sigh: "Yeah, I have. I was out earlier."

"With Marlene?" he asked quietly, snapping his chin upward and sitting alertly for the first time, panicked grey eyes meeting mine, bloodshot.

"Fuck her, am I right?" I said, so gut-wrenchingly automatic that it felt like I would throw up. So amusing, so easy to spit out only hours ago. Now it just felt like twisting a knife. "Nah, McKinnon and I don't see much of each other these days."

"Good," Regulus spat, with so much venom that I did a double take. That wasn't like him either. "She's bad news, Sirius. Her whole family is getting tangled up in a death wish."

"What are you talking about?" I said, heart beating slower and slower with every second. He couldn't mean that...she was in league with You-Know-Who? That fucker Bretton, maybe, but Marlene? Her mother?

"The Potters too," Regulus snapped, anger and something that looked like an echo of hatred filling his face. "The whole lot of them, Sirius, you need to stay away."

"I don't understand what you're talking about," I managed to choke out, through a throat that was feeling thicker by the moment. Because I did understand. I was starting to see exactly what he was trying to get at, even through the cryptic words and the thinning layer of alcohol hovering over my brain. "What kind of trouble are you in exactly?"

I knew what was going to happen before it happened, but that didn't make the shock of the moment any less grotesque.

I knew when I saw his hand twitch hesitantly toward his sleeve. It was supposed to be a secret, wasn't it? But I was his big brother. I was always the one that kept his secrets. And he knew I'd be disgusted and he was ashamed. But I knew he was proud of it, in his own sick way.

But when he finally rolled that sleeve up and showed me a freshly branded Dark Mark blazed and scarred into his shaking arm, I didn't want to protect him anymore. I wanted to bash his stupid fucking head in.

"That's one mess I can't clean up," I said stonily, after what seemed like an eternity of staring at that snake and skull, the room spinning faster than it ought to have. "I can't...with you having that...I wouldn't be able to hide you. I don't know how."

"Clean up?" Regulus cocked his head to the side and looked so genuinely confused that for a moment, so was I. "Hide me...what are you talking about?"

The last piece of the puzzle finally clicked into place.

He hadn't come here to gloat, he hadn't come here for help. He'd come here with a job to do.

"I can't do it without you. I need you to come back with me. I'm not smart enough," he said quietly, and for the first time all night he sounded like himself: soft, and pleading, and trying way too hard.

"Clearly you're not smart enough," I snapped, gruffer than I meant to. "If this is the sort of shit you get into when I'm gone."

"Just a month ago now," Regulus said slowly, anger rising in his face when he realized just how off the mark he'd been. "Just a month ago, you said you would do anything it took to protect me. I need you to be with me on this."

"You're going to get yourself killed," I growled. I said it without thinking it. I don't think my mind could have processed something like that. Adrenaline was the only thing getting me through.

"If you don't come back with me, _you're _going to get yourself killed," Regulus was no longer pleading with me. He was threatening. "Do you know what they're up to, the lot you hang around? The McKinnons and the Potters, all of them. All the traitors are suddenly fancying themselves as soldiers. I'm giving you an out."

"If I'm such a traitor, why are you offering me an _out?_" I snapped at him, feeling patches of red quickly filling my face. I became very aware of the weight of the wand held loosely in my hand, and tightened my grip on it.

_"_Because you're my brother," said Regulus, fiercely, and I finally understood why it was him they'd sent.

He was the reason I'd stayed at home as long as I could. He was the only reason I'd ever been pulled back in, tried to stay out of trouble. He was the last tie I had to my family, and the strongest. And both of us knew that if I cut that tie, there would be no going back.

And suddenly, even though so many more pressing things were on hand, I found my mind drifting to Marlene.

I couldn't be mad at her anymore, not after standing here. In this moment, I couldn't believe that I had the insane and cruel notion to make her choose between me and her family. I hated my family with the deepest loathing my heart could spit out, and yet it felt like I was losing a piece of myself. This kind of choice didn't leave any winners. If I'd been in her shoes, I wouldn't have run away either.

If I was Marlene, I would have chosen family over anything.

But this wasn't a choice of family verses friends like he was making it out to be. It was family verses myself. Family verses my beliefs, my life, and every person that I had been able to take into my life and care about.

"You're no brother of mine," I said stonily, with a cruel, hard-edged voice I'd kept reserved for only my parents in the past. What did it matter now? He was just like them. They'd finally gotten to him.

When I was eight and him seven, the two of us had snuck out of the house. There was a Muggle carnival in town, and there was something so bright and noisy and perfect about the crowd that just called us in. For hours we stuck together, two misfit children, riding the rides and taking the charity of strangers who bought us sweets and a pair of matching balloons. When we got home later that night, our parents were furious. Sneaking away, associating with filth, pretending to be Muggles: it was degrading. It was the first time they'd ever hit me, but Regulus was just sent to his room.

They explained it to me in a way I never forgot. I was the oldest, so I was the one in trouble. My only job was protecting him, setting an example for him, taking care of him no matter what. I was the trailblazer, and if I led him down the wrong path they would never forgive me. I wasn't their child- I was playing a role in society, and I'd better learn the part quickly.

And though I'd given up the trailblazer gig years ago, though I couldn't have been called anybody's role model a day in my life, I still would have put my life on the line to protect Regulus. However furious he made me, no matter how much hatred I felt toward his ideas and beliefs and lifestyle, I had always known it was my job to protect him.

Until tonight.

While I was busy taking a trip down memory lane, Regulus was busy reaching for his wand.

I hadn't noticed he'd even pulled it out of his pockets until the beam of bright blue light connected with my chest and knocked me backwards, collapsing the air out of my lungs, sent me flying into a crude wall of dusty boxes. Years of dueling lessons, hexes, defensive spells, attack stances...all of it was wiped clean from my mind as I collapsed onto the pile of furniture and linens that I'd never unpacked. It was one thing to be ready when you know you ought to be. It was another thing, entirely, to be attacked by the person whose first word had been your name.

There was a sharp pain shooting through my elbow, but I gritted my teeth and scrambled forward, lunging at my wand which had fallen only feet away from me. I had barely closed my fingers around it before he fired at me again, then again, and then a third time. Nothing serious, nothing Unforgivable, but enough to ensure that I couldn't fire a return shot. I was on my stomach, feeling incompetent and dazed as I lurched my hand out again, feeling around blindly for the eleven inches of beechwood that I still wasn't sure I could use against him.

And then the front door, the one Regulus had been pounding on only a half hour ago, flew open so suddenly and with so much force that it nearly got thrown from its hinges.

Heavy footsteps, a flash of light, and a loud crack.

By the time I was able to pick my head up and get onto my knees, wand clutched protectively between my frozen hands, Regulus was gone.

"You don't even have anti-Disapparition charms on this place? How fucking stupid are you?" came the voice of the newcomer as they slammed the front door shut again, locking it from the inside.

"I don't stay here-" I started to fire back defensively, still disoriented, still drunk, still confused. But I stopped suddenly, practically jumping to my feet when I realized who it was. My wand rose into a protective stance, my jaw tightened up.

Bretton McKinnon was now standing in the center of my apartment, glowering at me with all the friendliness of a rabid animal about to strike, waiting for an explanation.

"You just got overpowered by a sixteen year old," he snapped at me, not even attempting to hide his distaste. "Congratulations, Black, you are twice as useless as I thought."

"Why are you...how did..." I tried so hard to come up with a sarcastic, angry comeback to put him in his place, but I had nothing. I couldn't deny that I owed him now, and legitimate questions about his presence were bubbling to the surface much faster.

"Very good, glad to see you're working on your language skills," said Bretton disparagingly. Bloke made it more than easy for me to dislike him, even when he was being helpful. "I was following him. Heard the commotion. Though you could use a hand while you _rolled around on the floor without a wand._"

"I didn't need your help," I muttered at him, crossing my arms over my chest in a crashing wave of stubbornness and embarrassment. "I could have handled that on my own easily."

"Maybe it's time you let go of that ego a little bit," Bretton snarled, suppressing an eye-roll. "I saved your ass because it's my job. And because I care about Marlene. So before you try getting all high and mighty, you can thank me instead and we can forget it ever happened."

"Thank you," I managed to grudgingly choke out, through a wall of gritted teeth and narrowed eyes. Forget it ever happened, would we? I doubted that.

"Fine," was his only answer before he walked deeper into the apartment, casting a sweeping look over the room. "Speaking of Marlene..."

I froze as he looked at me expectantly. Was this about the waitress? How closely had he been following Regulus? How long had either of them been outside the building, just observing the drunken spiral of self-destruction? But then again, I reminded myself, I didn't owe her anything. I may not have been angry with her anymore, but I didn't owe her a damn thing.

"Where is she?" Bretton pressed on when I didn't answer him, and I felt my jaw slacken with both relief and genuine confusion.

"What?" I found myself asking stupidly.

"Where is Marlene?" Bretton asked again, patronizingly slow, as if I'd never learned to speak English before this very day.

"She's...what?" I don't know if it was the shock or the fatigue or the alcohol, but I could not get my head around the question he was asking. "She's with you isn't she?"

It was the first time I'd ever see Bretton McKinnon, a hulking man in his twenties, well over six feet tall, look scared.

"She's not with you?" he was making some attempt to sound intimidating, but it was half-hearted now. He was trying to reassure himself more than he was trying to rattle me. "I contacted the school this morning to set up her Floo channel to the Potters. I know she's not there. I know she must've come to stay with you."

"Yeah, she's not at school," I said slowly, and the horrible reality of the situation began to fall into place. "She wrote me and said she wouldn't be going back until term started. I assumed she'd be in the quiets at home."

"You _assumed_?" Bretton boomed, but I didn't take his anger personally. I knew exactly how panicked he was feeling, because the same terror was starting to rise in my chest.

"I haven't heard from her in weeks," I said quietly, reaching numbly for the letter in my pocket and handing it to him. It was the best I could do. "I thought you'd have told her to cut contact."

"I may not agree with Marlene's choices," Bretton growled. "But I don't pretend that I have any right to make them for her. For the record, from what she told me after...after the, uh, last time we saw you..." the discomfort was evidently stitched all over his face. "You give her that same respect, for the most part."

"If you're aiming at an apology, I accept it." I snapped cheekily, but evidently he wasn't in the mood for joking. A dark cloud appeared over his face once more, and his hand snapped forward, shoving me roughly in the shoulder.

"That's just a drop in the bucket for you, Black. You don't have my respect until you earn it."

I averted my eyes to the floor and scoffed, but I couldn't be legitimately angry with him. It was a fair assessment, I supposed, from his point of view.

"Come here," Bretton said with a resigned sigh, grabbing me by the crook of my arm.

"What the hell are you doing?" I snapped, trying to pull my arm away though he kept a vice-like grip on it.

"Apparating," he sighed, back to treating me like I was a precocious five-year-old who asked too many questions. "Getting you to the Potter's. It's our rendezvous point for the night. I think I know where Marlene's been, but I need to get a fucking move on it."

"Who is 'we' exactly?" I pressed, but his glare told me I wasn't welcome to grill him any further. I yanked my arm away with all the strength I had left and backed away. It was childish, but I didn't care. When he didn't answer my first question, I lobbed another one at him. Having the last word was something, at least, if I'd never have the upper hand. "How do you magically know where Marlene's been?"

"Because I know her better than you do," Bretton said flatly, clearly not in the mood. He must have been confident, at least, because the worry and panic had all but eased out of his expression. I wish I could have said the same about the uneasiness in my stomach. "She had a lot on her mind, I know where she goes in those situations."

"Because of what happened between-"

"Not everything is about you," he snapped, cutting across me before I could complete the thought. "Especially not when it comes to Mar. There was more that happened the next day. She found out about my...new job, let's say. New company I'm keeping. Swore her to secrecy, we had to. That's probably why you haven't heard from her. Too risky."

"And exactly what new company are you keeping?" I narrowed my eyes at him, taking a step backwards when he lunged for my arm again, impatient to leave. Regulus's words about the McKinnons from earlier hung in my mind, screaming to be explained. "I'm not trusting you to disappear me all over the fucking planet until I know what's going on here. What are you a part of?"

"Christ, you're just as bad as her," Bretton muttered, shifting uncomfortably where he stood. "You'll find out about it sooner or later. Later, if I have any say."

"Oh, yes. You've really convinced me to tag along now," I said, tone heavy on the sarcasm and void of politeness. I didn't care anymore.

"The Order of the Phoenix," was all he said, no other explanation given, before he stepped toward me and grabbed hold of my arm again, nearly wrenching it from his socket and holding tight to the sleeve of my jacket. He turned on the spot before I could pull away.

An uncomfortable sensation and a blink later, and we were suddenly standing in the bustling kitchen of the Potter home. It had been so empty only hours ago, but it was now full of blinding light and a flurry of activity, people running every which way, rolling up scrolls of parchment and chatting loudly.

And then, from the center of everything, one voice reached me before all others:

"Sirius?"

A soot-covered Marlene was standing at the hearth of an emerald fire, face splitting into a huge smile.


	15. Mentioning It

**Point of View:** Sirius Black

* * *

It was such a Marlene move.

After I heard her call my name, face splitting into a wide grin of white teeth and pink lips, spinning from the fireplace at just the moment we needed her, that was the first thought that crossed my mind. The room, I supposed, continued to bustle around me, just the same as when I'd appeared moments ago. But I was none the wiser about it. I watched her stumble forward over the hearth, all smiles and soot and freckles, and she was the only one I could zero in on.

Once she'd stumbled forward, smiled that smile of hers, called my name, I saw the flames briefly flicker to orange before flushing back to green, and another form appeared in the fire behind her, coughing a familiar cough on its way into the kitchen. A flash of red hair appeared beside her, and I suddenly felt stupid for not realizing it sooner.

Evans.

Of course she'd been with Evans. I could have kicked myself for not thinking of it the moment I'd heard she was missing. Typical fucking Marlene, falling off the face of the Earth, retreating when she was being pulled in two different directions. Making us worry about her and then popping up just when we needed to find her, casual smile dancing across her face.

It was such a Marlene move, but also...it was my move as well, wasn't it? I never chose between family and being on my own straight away, did I? No, I went to James's house. And Marlene went to Evans's. Christ we were alike.

I should have known.

"That's good, Marlene," Bretton was booming from the doorway. I didn't need to turn around to picture his face, caught somewhere terrible between anger and relief. "Go traveling all over the god-damn country, don't bother telling me where you'll be. You could have gotten yourself..."

I'm sure that he kept speaking, but I tuned him out. Marlene didn't give him a second glance. She was smart and she had a sharp wit- she could have countered him, shut him down, thrown in a cheeky remark to diffuse his anger.

But she didn't bother.

It was my name she'd said when she'd stumbled through the fireplace, and I was the one she was looking at with those liquid chocolate eyes of hers. I forgot, in that moment, that I was supposed to be mad at her. I forgot everything, really; it all just melted away. She was safe, that was all that mattered. No, fuck that. She was smiling at me. That mattered more, as pathetic as it sounded. Whatever this hold she had over me was, it wasn't like anything I'd gone through before.

I was crossing the room to her, wrapping my arms around her little body, pulling her into a bone-crushing hug, inhaling the familiar scent that rose from the roots of her hair. I squeezed her as tightly as I could, and then pulled away again just as quickly as I'd began, looking down at her looking up at me with an stressed, earnest expression in her eyes.

She didn't look nearly as nonchalant up close. She bit her lip and then exhaled, shifted in place. I knew her well enough now to know what this meant: she was working up the nerve to say something, something she didn't want to just blurt out, something she'd probably rehearsed with Lily or in the mirror to herself.

"I can explain," She said quietly, eyes crinkling around the edges. I was confused until I remembered: remembered how angry I was at her...or how angry I should have been. The weeks without speaking, the fucking idiot she'd made me look like. But she was here now, wasn't she? I should have demanded this explanation of hers, but I didn't want it.

"I don't care," I said quietly, cutting her off mid-sentence. Her eyebrows shot upward, her gaze off to the side. She took it all wrong; she thought I was pushing her away. No, no, no.

"I can," she insisted, biting the inside of her cheek and looking up at me again with an expression that was more of an apology than words could ever string together. "I can explain everything."

"I don't care," I said again, letting a smile slowly spread across my face, taking her face in my hands and staring right into those eyes of hers so that she would understand.

I didn't care, I really didn't. I ought to have, but I didn't need to sit through a processing session of messy feelings and mixed explanations. It wasn't us. I didn't care.

And then I was kissing her, backing her right up into the stone wall that defined the fireplace. It was the real deal, the best I could do: eyes closed, lips urgent, thumb greedily running up and down the length of her cheekbone. She was kissing me back, even though Evans let out a snort from next to us, her lips chapped from the cold but smiling more and more the longer she pressed them against mine.

This one wasn't to impress her or to sweep her off her feet. It was to make her understand. And I knew she would. She was Marlene fucking McKinnon; if she didn't, nobody would.

It was the sound of breaking glass that caused us to break apart; Bretton had evidently dropped the drink he'd just accepted and was standing there with a sour look on his face, ignoring the mess and glaring in our direction with blatant disapproval. Nobody else in the room, apparently, had time to stop running about like chickens with their heads cut off long enough to notice us, but Bretton was the exception, tightening his jaw like the token big brother should. Twenty minutes ago, seeing that expression on the face of someone who could (though I hated to admit it) probably take me down with one punch would have rubbed me the wrong way, now it just made me want to laugh.

Marlene didn't even blink at him.

Instead, she rested her cheek on my chest, snaked her arms around me in a sleepy hug and let out a content noise. It wasn't that she didn't care about what her brother thought. She cared so much, I could see it etched in the lines of her face. But she just was being who she was, this girl that had such a hold over me.

She was Marlene McKinnon, and she was done letting people make her feel bad about the decisions she made.

"I am positive," came another voice suddenly, as James appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, looking about with a startled, sleepy expression on his still-drunk face. "That none of these people were in my house when we got home. I am posi- PADFOOT IS BACK!"

"That's enough," someone snapped, and I looked up to realize that Mrs. Potter had been sitting in the corner this whole time, pouring over an old book with a concentrated expression on her face. "We can't have any more teenagers running through this room. We've got work to do. Up to bed, all of you."

"Marlene, we're talking about this in the morning," Bretton sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose with a resigned expression as somebody passed him a piece of parchment that looked like a list of addresses. "I can't have you running all over the fucking-"

"I'm safe, okay?" she fired back at him, raising her eyebrows and taking a stance that was alarmingly similar to his. Merlin, I wouldn't be able to un-see that. But then, softening, perhaps realizing that at least one person needed to hear her rehearsed story about her winter at Lily's: "In the morning. I promise, B."

"This one again," James scoffed, blinking slowly at Marlene with a comically slack expression on his face. With a start, I realized that he'd heard nothing since our conversation earlier in the night. Would have been best to stop him, but letting a drunken Prongs play through was always an amusing decision. His line of vision finally swung over to his redheaded girlfriend, who'd been surveying the scene with a cross-armed look of amusement. "Lily-flower do you see this? Padfoot and McKinnon, it's too much. I can't keep up, okay?"

"Let's get you to bed," was Lily's only reply, spoken with a laugh as she ushered him out of the room, face softening at his antics where it used to get tight and stern. He really must have been growing on her. Merlin knows how.

Upstairs, the bedroom I'd come to call my own over the years was drawn into pitch blackness; Peter was curled up on a haphazard pile of blankets on the floor and was snoring soundly. Remus had snagged the couch to sleep on, but groggily lifted his head to watch Marlene and I enter, hands tangled together in a frenzied mess of fingers. It wasn't like us, the holding hands thing, but I couldn't not touch her now. Not after everything.

"This is why you should start listening to me," Remus mumbled, rolling his eyes tiredly before shifting himself to face the opposite direction, asleep again before I could fire a comeback.

"What's he talking about?" Marlene asked, and I knew she was smirking even though I could barely see her through the darkness.

"Who knows?" I laughed, even though I knew perfectly well. I watched her climb over to the bed, kicking off her shoes and burrowing herself deep under the unmade covers uninvited. Suddenly, I'd never been more tired in my life. The evening, it seemed, was catching up to me quite quickly. "Fuck Moony, am I right?"

* * *

"Wake up," was the first thing I heard in the morning, accompanied by the creaking of bedsprings and a soft weight collapsing next to me. "I brought you food."

"S'matter?" I groggily forced out, groaning as I rolled over, head throbbing as the headache settled in. I kept my eyes shut tight and tried to cling to consciousness, but my body was vehemently disagreeing. "Sod off, Prongs."

"Tell me you weren't dreaming about Potter," the voice said again, and this time my eyes flew open. Slowly, I rolled over onto my back, sure I must have been imagining things. But no. No, there she was. Grinning down at me, all crinkled eyes and freckles and hair falling into her face. Same as always.

She was still here.

Marlene sat cross-legged and grinning on the bed next to me, wrapped up in a sweater and looking, I was completely sure, much more put-together than I was at the moment. My mouth was too dry to open, but I squinted sleepily up at her.

"Sobriety is a bitch, isn't it?" she asked with a small laugh, tucking her hair behind her ears and offering up a plate piled high with bacon and toast. "Eat, you'll feel better."

"No," I muttered at her stubbornly, watching the smile falter momentarily on her face before she pushed it back to full wattage, clearly trying her best to look positive. "Not hungry."

"Since when are you not hungry?" she pressed, raising her hand to my face and lightly brushing the hair away from my forehead, her cold skin bringing me the first relief I'd felt all morning. "The faster you eat, the less you'll feel like you're dying."

"Stop," I groaned, swatting her hand away from me, still half asleep. "I forgave you already, I don't need you to play the bloody housewife until things go back to normal."

I knew she was trying to be helpful, but it was too early in my day for her to be buzzing around me like this. I knew in her own way that overcompensating was her way of telling me she was sorry, of pushing it on me even when she knew I didn't want to hear it.

Overcompensating was her way of dealing with guilt. Pushing her away was mine.

When she was silent longer than usual, I opened one heavy eyelid. She wasn't angry and she wasn't hurt; she was staring down at me with an incredulous look plastered across her face, still as a statue with those unblinking, warm eyes. Her lips froze, barely parted, as if she were going to speak, but then she pushed them into a thin line and set her jaw.

"You're not mad at me," she said with an eye roll, picking at the food she'd brought up for my breakfast and eating it herself, dropping it into her mouth with a playful flourish. "So stop carrying on with the dramatics."

"I should be mad at you," I sighed, pulling myself grudgingly into a sitting position, my hair falling gracelessly in every direction, the cold winter air attacking every inch of newly exposed skin.

Just because we hadn't had time to talk last night didn't mean that Marlene hadn't had time to steal the shirt right off my back; she was still wearing it, I could see under her sweater, and smugly, as she sat there and watched me shiver. The shirt off my fucking back, and I still wasn't mad at her.

"But you aren't," she laughed cheekily, reaching her tiny hand over and flicking me on the forehead. "We've been through this before; I'm irresistible, Black."

"But I could be, if I wanted to," I muttered gloomily, swiping a piece of toast from the plate in her lap, stubbornly chewing on it. "Four fucking weeks without so much as a letter- fuck, McKinnon, did you make this? It's good."

"Do you know me at all?" she scoffed, merrily helping herself to more of the meal she'd just insisted so enthusiastically that I eat. "Just swiped it off the table."

"You really outdid yourself this time," I teased. "Very classy, McKinnon."

"Almost as classy as taking home a pub waitress?" Marlene fired back. The toast I was holding fell from my hand and dropped along with my jaw, landing on the blankets with a muted butter-covered thud.

I looked up at her with a red, sheepish face, automatically reaching out for her hand. The acidic guilt that had been gnawing away at me surfaced so suddenly that I nearly threw up, waves of it rolling over me in a tidal wave of unfamiliar nausea. Leave it to McKinnon to make me feel this way. Merlin knows nobody else could.

"The thing about that-" I started nervously, but she just rolled her eyes again and scooted across the sheets until she was pressed beside me.

"Don't mention it?" she tried, doing her best to send a smirk in my direction. Try as she might, I saw how it didn't reach all the way up to her eyes. In that moment, I would have given anything in my possession to never have to see that half-faked smile forced onto her face again.

"That excuse isn't going to work forever, is it?" I sighed nervously, reaching out for her cold hand and lacing her fingertips through mine, tracing swirled patterns across her skin with my thumb.

"I don't think we're that lucky," she murmured back, resting her head in the crook of my shoulder, pressing her lips quickly to my neck, sending a flurry of chills through my chest.

It was like flipping a switch on, the way I tensed and relaxed all at once when she kissed me like that. Suddenly I was everywhere all at once: pushing her backwards onto the bed, knotting my hands through her dark hair, moving my lips up to hers with the intensity of four lost weeks.

The plate of food clattered to the floor with a loud bang and a flurry of spilled bacon and bread crusts, but neither of us bothered to acknowledge it.

"I missed you," she whispered, her lips still pressed against mine, the corners of her mouth twisting upward into a wry smile. She pushed her hips against mine, raked her nails across the skin of my back, leaving red trails that branched down from my shoulder blades.

"You fucking better have," I murmured back, moving my lips down to her collarbone, inhaling the familiar scent of her skin, the way her rib cage caved in under mine when exhaled.

Fuck, this girl had a hold on me that I didn't know how to describe. It was intoxicating, as bloody cheesy as that sounded. Shagging other girls had always been a blur to me: rough, angry at times, a way to beat the frustration out of the way. An occupation to distract me from everything else going on. But Marlene was one step ahead; she created a quiet inside me that I'd never been lucky enough to feel before. I didn't need to use her as a placeholder; she made me feel really, truly better just by being around. Marlene knew how to rattle a headboard, knew how to get my blood to boil, but she uncurled something deep inside myself that calmed the storm I couldn't run from.

If that was love, or addiction, or whatever you wanted to call it...it was something I knew I would never find again. It was the first time I didn't mind looking foolish or acting like I swore I never would. It was worth it to know that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. And that light had a smattering of freckles and a laugh that was too loud and a birthmark on the small of her back that looked like a maple leaf.

It was unequivocally Marlene.

I could go on for days about that fucking mysterious smile of hers, or her sarcastic eyes, or the way she screamed my name when I tickled her. But Merlin, in that moment she rocked herself sideways and pushed me hard on the shoulder, knocking me onto my back with a victorious exhale, and it wasn't exactly her smile that had my attention anymore.

She threw a leg over me, pinning me down with that mischievous smirk on her face, bringing her lips down to my chest and planting a kiss over the spot where my heartbeat was going crazy.

Like I said, she was pretty enchanting, but I was seventeen years old and Marlene McKinnon was pinning me down, tugging the hemline of her shirt over her head.

I watched her take it from me -the upper hand- and for the first damn time in my life I didn't feel a compulsive need to take it back from her. I didn't need to fight her for control, not Marlene. When she took the lead it was a peculiar unburdening, not a power struggle.

I let my eyes sink shut and I heard her let out a satisfied noise, running her teeth lightly over my bottom lip, her long hair falling everywhere and then some, hands working their way down to the zipper of the jeans I'd passed out in.

"Do we have time for this?" I asked, voice still thick with sleep and adrenaline, muffled as I spoke into the arch of her neck, kissing her collarbone quickly.

As if answering my question, the doorknob began to rattle insistently across the room, shaking the entire door in what I knew to be Prong's typical fashion.

"Oi, Padfoot, why is the door locked?" James shouted, never ceasing his rattling of the stuck knob, throwing his shoulder against the door in defeat. "Come flying with us, we don't need to be ready for hours."

He lacked picking up on some of the more standard social cues, my best friend did.

"He's busy at the moment," Marlene shouted, lifting her face only inches from mine to call to him. I watched her with gratitude and appreciation and wide eyes as her hands slowly found the clasp at the back of her bra and undid it. Tempting me, daring me to contradict her. Yeah. Like that was likely to happen.

"I'll catch up with you later," was all I managed to choke out to him, letting my eyes close again as I felt Marlene exhale happily and bite playfully on my earlobe.

"Are you serious?" James hollered back, throwing his weight against the door again in mock-frustration. I heard him slump against the thick wood of the frame in defeat. "Is this going to be something I have to deal with now? You don't even try to bloody hide it anymore."

"Sod off," Marlene laughed, turning her face, flushing scarlet, briefly to the locked door before looking back at me, freckled nose hovering just above mine, eyes blinking playfully at me through the wall of shadows her hair cast around us.

"Oh, excuse me, do you _love _each other now?" James prodded sarcastically, kicking at the door with the heel of his shoe. He knew which buttons to push.

I waited for Marlene to tense up and balk, even at the joked prospect of that word being tossed around. I waited for her to pull away, sputter some nonsense, pick a fight. I waited for Marlene to be Marlene.

But it didn't happen.

"You know what..." she whispered to me and me alone, forgetting seemingly all about Prongs throwing a tantrum out in the hall, her eyes locking into mine in an intense swirl of chocolate and affection. "I think we do."

"Do we?" I murmured back, feeling so ridiculously foolish for the way it was suddenly so much harder and easier to breathe, all at once. I ran a thumb along her cheekbone, from the twisted-up corner of her smile to the mole that marked her temple.

"We do."

It was barely out loud, but it didn't need to be. Marlene pressed her lips to mine one more time, and it was enough. She could make me look like a fucking fool as much as she wanted to. I was hooked.


	16. Orders

**Point of View: Marlene McKinnon**

* * *

The bedsheets were tousled and fanned out around me like a white cloud of cotton, unhinged from the corners of the mattress and threatening to fall off the sides. The covers had been kicked away altogether, tossed to the floor somewhere in the middle of the reunion. All that has survived and stayed was a half-stuffed feather pillow, pushed up feebly against the headboard.

And then there he was, laying next to me: trying to catch his breath, eyes closed and swallowing hard, body radiating pure heat even through a layer of cold sweat that had formed on his brow and chest. But even though he looked like he was down for the count -black hair falling into his face, chest rising and falling in deep gasps- he managed to lift his hand and hold it out to me, beckoning me back to his side.

I rolled over to him, tucking myself into the nook between his bare torso and his arm, which was closing protectively around me and pulling me close before I'd even settled into place. I laid my ear against his chest, eyes fluttering between open and closed, listening to his heart pumping blood through the rest of him, lazily tracing swirled patterns down his rib cage with my finger.

"That tickles," he managed to say, his voice hoarse and gruff and sleepy and everything about him that I had missed. "Knock it off."

"Sorry," I said, even though I wasn't, slowly stopping my tracing and letting my hand fall away. I pressed my lips to his chest in its place, planting sleepy, sweaty kisses wherever I could reach without moving. He wasn't the only one out of breath here.

"Don't get any ideas," Sirius said softly after a long minute, even though I felt his shoulder twitch under me, saw the mischievous smirk forming on his face. "I think the third time might have been the charm. You're going to be the death of me, McKinnon."

"I am completely fine with that," I sighed, letting my eyelids sink shut, trying desperately to pull me back to sleep. I would have, honestly, drifted out of consciousness had it not been for Sirius, pulling himself away from under me with a frustrated groan, rolling to the edge of the bed and then standing up onto the creaking floorboards.

"I'm just trying to save my own skin here," he said with a light laugh, crossing the room as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. I watched him walk away from me, the way the muscles all through his back shifted smoothly when he moved, the way the scratches I'd left down his back glowed a rosy pink as they faded away.

"Come back," I whined with a playful pout, patting the now-empty pillow next to me with dramatic emphasis. But it was over: he was pulling his Quidditch jersey over his head, stepping into a pair of boxers.

"As temping as that sounds," he sighed, pushing his hair out of his face and fumbling tiredly with the buckle of the belt he was putting on. "Let's try to remember the last time we pushed our luck with your brother under the same roof."

That was enough to get me moving. I managed to convince my body to carry itself out of bed, wiggle into the shirt and pants I'd abandoned on the floor, pull my sweater tight around me to ward off the cold. It was adequate at best, but it would do. We had to get ready for the ball in a matter of hours anyway.

A soft knock sounded from the door, decidedly gentler and more hesitant than James's had been earlier.

"I refuse to open this door," the voice on the other side of the wall said: Lily, teasing and warm. "But we need both of you to come downstairs. I think something big is happening."

It was enough to get my attention and I waited just long enough for Sirius to secure his belt before I opened the door.

"What kind of big thing?" I asked the redhead, who was leaning against the wall patiently. She surveyed me with a slightly smug expression on her face; she had known, long before I did, how I felt about Sirius.

She'd been the one, during those weeks I spent at her house, pressing me to send him just one more letter, pay him just one visit. But she was also the one to give me all the time in the world when I needed it. Lily truly was the most fiercely kind person I'd ever met.

Sirius exited the room behind me, snaking his arms affectionately around my shoulders, resting his chin on the top of my head. It was new, different, definitely not what I'd signed up for all those months ago when I'd found myself waking up next to him. But, ignoring Lily's quizzical and pleased looks, as I found myself sinking comfortably into his embrace, I realized that I didn't mind. I didn't mind at all. There was no thick hand slowly clamping down on my throat, no claustrophobic need to pull away.

It was one thing when he was doing things like that because he thought he had to, like the holding hands in the hallway at school. But this was something else entirely. This felt like the most natural thing in the world. Call me crazy or what have you, but it was the first time that I felt sure enough to lean on something without worrying it would wobble out beneath me.

I didn't believe in forever, but I believed in this. In us.

"Bretton's having a row with James's mum." said Lily quietly, pointing to the staircase with her chin. "About whether or not we ought to be told what's going on. About what they're working on."

It was like someone had lit a fire at my heels. I was disentangled from Sirius and clomping downstairs to the kitchen before I could stop to think about it properly. I'd found out, of course, all those weeks ago. About the Order of the Phoenix. About what they were doing. About why my mother was never home anymore, what was so special about those rolls of parchment Bretton kept in a locked drawer.

I wanted in.

I knew Sirius was following close behind me, his footsteps echoed far less frantically than mine but he was there, right by my side by the time I skidded to a stop in the kitchen. The only one who could even keep up with me.

James, Remus, and Peter were already seated around the table, looking riveted and confused as they watched the argument unfold. Sirius silently fell into a chair, as gracefully as possible in his frame- it went for everyone without saying that this was not a good time to interrupt. Hesitantly, I took a seat on his lap, perching on his knees while his arms automatically found their way around me again. Four weeks suddenly seemed like an eternity. I didn't even want to be a seat away from him. (Okay, enough sappy talk. I was going to make myself throw up.)

"...because they are children, Helena, that's why!" Bretton was shouting, red in the face, the muscle in his jaw twitching manically.

I remembered back to when I was younger; I could never imagine him yelling like this, fighting so easily. Now it seemed like it was all i saw. When they say war changes people, they aren't just talking about injuries or experiences. I'd had to watch him descend into this angry, bitter brute and I had no idea how to help him get back to who he was.

I guess there was a line I hadn't seen him cross. But all I knew was that I'd give anything to have him back to himself for an afternoon, making me tea and telling me and Moira all about the last Quidditch match he'd seen.

"They're all of age," Mrs. Potter replied firmly, refusing to raise her voice even when he was going off the deep end. She'd clearly been spending time with him, if she knew how to handle him so well. "They're all of age and you know as well as I do that Dumbledore has marked them. He's going to ask for them to join just as soon as they graduate-"

"Then he can wait until they graduate." Bretton snapped, his voice breaking off to a quieter tone before he spoke again. "At least we know they'll be alive that long then."

At this, I felt Sirius's head snap to attention; clearly, not was he was expecting to hear blurted out in the middle of the Potters kitchen.

"Excuse me, but since when are we all about to kick the bucket?" James interjected hotly, giving his mother an assaulted look.

"That's what's likely to happen if she gets her way," said Bretton, tossing a significant look at Mrs. Potter.

"They are clever, capable, and of age," Mrs. Potter sighed, clearly losing patience by the minute.

"Yes and they'll be very daunting on the battle field," Bretton scoffed. "Come, dare if you will: face our army of investigative teenagers."

"I want to help," I said immediately, giving my brother and James's mum a confident stare down. It was like they'd just realized the lot of us was there: staring around at us watching them as if we had sprouted extra heads. "Like she said, I'm of age."

"I'm in as well," Sirius piped up, his voice loud and too close to my ear.

"Yes we were just looking for someone with your specific skill set," said Bretton sarcastically, rounding on Sirius with an ugly look. "Gets beaten in duels by sixteen year olds, knows his way around the girls dormitory. You'll be a model soldier, Black."

"Sirius," I cut in, emphasizing his first name with annoyance. "Comes from a family with ties to the other side of the war-"

"Yes, Marlene, very convincing-" Bretton tried to cut me off, but I returned the favor, raising my voice patiently.

"He knows how they work, how they think. His information is probably better than anything you can dig up with research."

Bretton didn't answer me. He knew I was right.

"James can hex nonverbally, with his eyes closed," Sirius piped up, turning to face his best friend across the table.

"Remus," James joined in, catching on to what we were up to. "Knows just about everything about dark creatures and defense."

"Peter is loyal," Remus said seriously, peering out at the room through a swollen pair of tired eyes. "And great at overhearing things, blending into the crowd."

"Lily is amazing at potions and healing," Peter said nervously, clearly hating that all eyes were on him for a change, blushing scarlet at the compliment he was giving to the redhead who now stood in the doorway, beaming.

"And Marlene," Lily finished off the circle with an affectionate smile. "Has been through an attack before. She's persuasive and brave. You'd be lucky to have her."

"You'd be lucky to have any of us," I said quietly, crossing my arms as Bretton and Mrs. Potter surveyed the lot of us carefully. Eventually, my brother made an odd grunting noise and shrugged his shoulders.

We'd won this one.

"Dumbledore will handle all the specifics when you all get back to school," Mrs. Potter said carefully, trying hard to compromise the situation. "But we are fighting this war. We are standing up against You-Know-Who, and it isn't going to be safe. That's the main point I wanted to make today. If you commit to this, you won't be able to have normal lives. No jobs, no kids...not until the war gets done. You need to understand that."

"What do you mean no jobs?" Lily interjected politely, crossing the room and taking a seat. She had been planning, I knew, to complete the necessary training to be a healer after we left Hogwarts. It had been her dream since second year potions class.

"And no kids?" James piped up close behind his girlfriend, a frustrated look taking over his face.

"We have a small fund set up to assist those who work for us." Mrs. Potter said, treading carefully. "You will have jobs...technically. Everyone here will be working full time. Just in...more unconventional positions. Duelers go on missions, researchers set them up. There's those who do have normal lives, Ministry personnel for instance, who pass information to us. And then, of course, baiters. And by no kids, I mean no kids. It's too risky, bringing babies into the thick of this. If it isn't stress, it'll be battle that ruins families. We don't need any more orphans around here."

"What was that, about baiters?" I jumped in. Moira had mentioned something about it weeks ago, when I'd first found out. She'd refused to say anything else on the subject, but I had to say something to keep the conversation away from a place that would put more dejected worry lines into James's face.

"Nothing you have to worry about," Bretton said, but gently now. "They bounce around temporary jobs, cut all contact with us at headquarters. New names, new towns, for months at a time before they come back between jobs and join us again...it's not the life we're looking at any of you lot to take on."

"They work on unearthing suspected death eaters," Mrs. Potter added, clearly relieved that everyone was getting along finally. "Getting them to confess so we can track them. It's not safe and it's not healthy and it's very close proximity. We won't be putting any of you there."

"You're not doing that, right, Mum?" James asked, looking at her with a mix of concern and panic.

"I think you'd notice if I up and left for months at a time to pretend to be somebody's secretary, James." His mother said with a small, sad smile. She didn't want this life for him, but she needed his help so badly- the conflict was apparent on her face. "I promise you. We're keeping as safe as possible."

"So if we aren't baiting," James said, clearly eager to shift the attention away from his mother being in a constant danger he hadn't known about. "What exactly are we doing?"

"The grunt work," Bretton said with a laugh, shaking his head. "Researching spells, leaked plans, attack strategies. Learning defense. Reporting to places where the dark mark has been cast up. Saving people, hiding them. Protecting each other, more than anything."

For a long moment, nobody spoke.

"I'm in." Remus said, shockingly the first to break the silence. We all turned to look at him in his shabby robes and I suddenly felt a rush of affection and impressiveness.

"I am too," Lily said, her hand finding James's over the surface of the table, gripping it tightly in a show of solidarity, their fingers lacing together until their knuckles were both white.

"Same here," Peter squeaked, looking older and more beaten down then I'd ever seen him.

Sirius and I didn't say anything. We didn't need to.

I remembered back to fifth year, to the career counseling meeting I'd had with McGonagall. I'd squirmed and shifted and pointed at different pamphlets, but she knew it as well as I did: there was nothing I could commit to. Me. Big shocker.

But this...this was something I could do. _Protecting each other, _Bretton's words swirled around in my head. _Protecting each other, more than anything._

I felt Sirius tighten his arms around me, as if the battle were here in the kitchen, as if he was afraid I would float off into space and leave him to make this journey alone. His breath was hot on the back of my neck, and the callouses on his hands felt familiar and comforting against my skin.

_Protecting each other._

Yeah, I could do that.


End file.
